hi there.. im not new to AA or to this forum just havent been back to the board yet.. Im pretty angry and annoied.. its been a week since i had a drink im pretty disgusted.. seems like my body knows the hour when i typicaly have a drink and i become and automatic asshole to everyone around me. I dunno how many times i told my husband FU yesterday. I got him so stressed he finaly bought a bottle of Vodka got drunk and i couldn't muster the strength to take more then two shots. Hes holding onto me for dear sweet life and i cannot manage in my brain to be kind to him till ive had my tempertantrum over with. I been going to meetings everyday reading the book. I hope this S*** gets better. thanks for listening.
It wont get better without you taking radical action. If your husband is that quick to enable you, that's something to discuss with him and work out a plan ahead of time. If you want to change bad enough, you will gut it out and take suggestions given in AA. Suggestion #1, don't drink.
Next get a sponsor and start working the steps. If you want to stop verbally abusing your husband and grow up, this is how to do it. We all went through detox here. I was cranky and emotional. Even well after detox, I had "breakdowns" here and there for a good year or so because I just did not know how to cope with feelings and with life without drinking. Regardless, I knew AA was working and I was not about to sabotage myself before seeing how much more it could work to better my life. That is still how it works for me 1 day at a time.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My sponsor made one thing clear early on: You have to make sobriety an ongoing commitment. If not, your chances are limited. He would say something like: "There are so many factors to consider this time around; so many variables that can either make or break our sobriety. We can almost be guaranteed a successful recovery, but it must start somewhere and with someone". That's how he described sobriety to me.
Maybe it's through recovery programs like A.A. that we can get a fresh start, or maybe through forums like this one? Maybe it's a change in circumstances or a louder wake up call, who knows? It's just too tempting not to consider, but to try it again without a structured support network would be foolish. I want to believe anything is still possible; that I've made enough change in both my daily life and my thinking to give lasting sobriety a fighting chance. But then again I'm not alone in that regard. That's why I have A.A. They're not alone either.
It is a selfish program you know, selfish in a good way I mean. I'm not talking pie here, even though I do like pie by the way -no comments Roger; I mean, selfish in your psyche, selfish in your approach, selfish in all things alcohol related. Filtering everything thru your other half is just as bad. You may want to start to balance your current struggles with some forgiveness -for past deeds done or undone. It's a starting point if not more.
I wrestled with that idea myself, as a way of avoiding my inner woes. It takes more than courage to deal with all that other stuff; the stuff I just avoided. That's why acceptance is so important. Acceptance, trust, open-mindedness and forgiveness; these are the virtues of a good recovery program. The rest are just bridges we need cross. I have no intention of going back, but I'm starting to understand why I drank myself into oblivion, time and time again. I was lacking spiritual direction for one, not to mention my guilty conscience. These associations, or lack of, were the sole reason behind my numerous relapses, but not today. It will take a lot of courage dear, but the payoff is always worth it. So for now start with the first step Jacqueline, and then take baby steps from there. The rest you'll learn along the way.
Welcome back
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 3rd of December 2012 02:55:49 AM
thanks for that reply pink.. Yes i know i can be quite the tyrant. anyways i know i need to grow up I hate what im doing otherwise id not be searching for help. I think getting back on this board was a good idea.. allows me a place to put my feelings in a healthy manner thats not damaging to the ones i love. I know this is not realy me its the monster i created from drinking. My husband and I talked about it this morning about not giving into me and eventhough i was so dreadful today he didn't give in. Acutaly, i dont realy know if i wanted a drink or just to be a selfish spoiled child that couldnt get her way so i wanted to make everyone else misreble. Yes i do have a sponser sadly shes got terminal cancer and is going into hospice which is sad for alot of reasons esp because i felt like i finaly found one i could relate to that gave me good advice. Im about bushed.. but i think ill try and stay up see what you fine folks have to say.. read some posts and try and hit the nine o clock meeting. I SERIOUSLY need some tools! p.s looks like i got another day sober under my belt.
Welcome back to MIP and congrats on another day sober. Working on the alcoholic mind is what the AA program is all about. I think this forum helps to get the mind in the right place and focused on recovery.
We really need to work to stay in the right frame of mind, asking God to keep us sober and asking to do his will is a good simple start in the AM. The 24 hr message is also posted here every AM and is great to read.
I always wanted to be judged by my intentions not my actions......guess what? We are judged/known for our actions. Today we are responsible for our actions.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Rob thanks for the post any information and help is greatly excepted here. I was at church on sunday and you made me think of this scripture the preacher was reading "faith without works is dead" kind of fits into the intentions thing. I have to channel all this pissed off i have right now into something or many things that are healthy. Your saying at the bottom of your reply says life is what happens when your busy making other plans. My husband used to say that to me all the time because im such a high energy person. Always on the go. Im an RN and ive always worked big hospitals in high stress enviroments usualy charge nurse. I walked off my job last week blew everyones mind. I knew if i didn't stop the stressful enviroment that my drinking would get worse and it was already way to bad. I got another job the next day its slower dont know how im going to respond to it its typicaly a job for nurses who are near retirement not for one in their thirties. I'm hopeful though.
Hi Jacqueline and welcome back. My first and greatest sponsor said "they don't make a pink colored Big Book for women, they have to use the same one we do". It was a little more kryptic than that but you get what I'm saying. You make yourself sound like the big bad wolf but you're just a garden variety drunk like the rest of us and will have to (if you desire to get sober) work the steps like the rest of us did. This is the "easier and softer way" that we're always looking for. Please give yourself to the simple program and allow it time to work. Glad to have you back. What was your previous screen name, if you don't mind me asking.
When I 1st came back to AA, I found I had to wrap myself up in the program ... I felt safe at the meetings, kinda protected from 'things' ... I know, life happens, but I learned I didn't have to 'drink or use' to deal with them ... I learned there was not a problem out there that a drink or drug wouldn't make worse ...
I'm glad to see you now have a 'lower stressful' job, but that will not cure anything ... oh, it'll help some, but working the program is the best form of recovery I know ... I used to make MOUNTAINS out of 'mole hills' and it caused everyone around me to suffer right along with me ... not a good approach to life ... the AA 'way of life' so exceeded my expectations, I never thought life could ever be so good and rewarding and HAPPY ... I always thought I had been doomed, but I was wrong ... AA showed me how to love life without alcohol, and for that, I am eternally grateful ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yeah when i started AA i asked if my big book came in pink and with scented paper.. Kidding. Reguarding your post i think i need to be hard on me right now esp because i cannot keep comming down with a big case of the F***it's. I was great at work.. my kid makes straight A's .. i went though the motions of taking care of the house payin the bills,laundry,cooking etc.. but on an emotional level at home ...the expression bottled up comes to mind cause thats where i put it all. Pretty soon things started changing .. i wasn't running anymore or doing yoga.. My drinkin times shifted .. i felt anxiety getting up to go to work. .. Even right now i was up till 3 am last night thinkin about all this stuff. I still cannot sleep right now. My last id was something silly bertha or something because i wasn't sure about putting my real name up on a website. sorry if im rambling
thats what im looking for that peace that people keep talking about. i think i should calm down and not expect an overnight cure. ty for the uplifting words.
Actually, you can expect to start feeling better in as little as a couple weeks to 30 days. You sound like an overachiever type, perfectionist. We can get real manic and run along accomplishing tons and then we get burned out, get resentments over the loss of self. Learning how to be a human being instead of what John Bradshaw calls a "Human Doing" requires some work. Realized that you are loved for who you are period. Those things that you do are great things, but it's the real you that those close to you are interested in.
Welcome Jacqueline! Glad to have your hear with us. The others have outlined it pretty well. My experience matches there's and yours can to if you give yourself to The Program. Don't give in- get going................ Action= results. Willingness without action is fantasy.
Jacqueline - regarding the worrying and not sleeping - That got better for me over the first year, but I had some problems. I just told myself that I knew I could function on little sleep because I was used to functioning on little sleep PLUS a bad ass hangover. Worrying about not sleeping will keep you awake even more. Just try and do relaxing things when you find yourself awake. If the anxiety or insomnia gets totally unbearable, you might want to seek outside help, but that probably will not be necessary.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm going to reply to you and Dean both at the same time. Yeah Dean i dont know that im a perfectionist my husband used to call me a workhorse. I wake up at five am nearly every day not because i cannot sleep its because i dont wanna waste a day. Seems like at a certain hour of the day has gone im left with the sense of Is there anything else to do? I even restented my husband for being able to sit on the couch and stare at the television. I think how the F*** does he do that for hours. Alcohol made me lazy... and although i needed to be lazy i was going about it the wrong way. I think all my weaknesses and character flaws i put in the bottle then drank it. Your right about the burn out thing. I'm eaither all or nothing.. theres no happy medium in me. I hope to find that though this program. Things i can be thankful for today.. I still have a job,family and some place i can go to for help with this monster. thanks
David i realy liked your writing.. The more i go to these meetings the more i realize this is a complex problem. Its not particularly one thing like I just like to drink (and i do) I heard in a meeting this week that a man says " we have to find what drives us to drink and work on that not that little bit of wiskey in a glass gets us drunk". I know step one.. I'm powerless against the booze ...it blots out the sun for me and i find everything else in life joyless right now. I'm trying to think is that because my brain receptors are still coated with its toxins or am i just clinicly depressed. Ive tried AA three times now I know it works because everytime id start up in it id do well. Then the pressure of workin and family and responsibility took over and my husband was pushing me not realizing i couldnt "just quit". after awhile id start to drink again stop going to meetings. I think dean hit the nail on the head "im not superwoman". Typing things here is easier for me then having the words come out of my mouth. I have a hard time saying " you hurt me" "I'm hurting today" I push though and shove it all in a bottle and mask it with anger. .. Step two is came to belive that a power greater then ourselves can restore us to sanity. I have a faith not to get religous but i belive in god and i know he can do all things. Maybe i just dont want to step back and let someone else take the wheel. For all ive done lately a homeless man could take over and do a better job then myself. I think god wants me to search more and im trying.. Anways, on a much lighter note who doesn't like pie cept people that have done prison time and prob kick puppies in their spare time! Keep the good advice comming i have to finish painting my kids room for her Bday that comming up. see you fine folks soon
Welcome to MIP! A lot of good things shared here. I had a lot of trouble staying sober for quite awhile. I liked to drink. I played the revolving door a lot. It's not that I didn't want to be sober...I just didn't want to stay sober...and I did not want to be an alcoholic. It didn't happen for me until I wanted to stay sober more than anything else...Husband or no husband, kids or no kids, job or no job...that I finally just ceased fighting and followed instructions. First things first. What I found was that it really didn't matter what I wanted or didn't want...I AM an alcoholic and when I but alcohol into my body I have an allergic reaction. I cannot afford to romantisize the drink or drinking. They suggested I go to a lot of meetings and not drink in between. They suggested that I change my playmates and playpens. They offered me all the support I could use...I just had to accept and make up my mind that I wanted to take their suggestions. I lost my best friend alcohol the day I realized that I wanted to stay sober more than anything and I became willing to go to any lengths to do that. And it doesn't matter how many years of sobriety I have, I still have to do everything that the newcomer has to do. Yes, it gets easier...but it's like planting a new tree...it takes awhile for the new roots to take hold and start growing. Easy does it and let your roots take hold.
I was an angry person when I got sober too. I found tolerance and love in the program. In the rooms it was easy. Out in the world, not so much. I had to practice, practice, practice, being the person I wanted to become. I used the serenity prayer a LOT! I read Acceptance (pg.449 or 417) a LOT! As I knew better I did better. One day at a time, one situation at a time...baby steps. When you take the alcohol out of the alcoholic...you have ic left over...now that can mean yucky...or I see! Your choice. Live and let live.
It's like going down Main Street, America....you know that if you keep going south it is going to take you to Mexico...if you don't want to go to Mexico turn around or go east or west. The choice is that simple. Get off on Broad Street...or the Happy Destiny Highway. WE look forward to seeing more of you here!!
how do you relax? i tried everything book reading,exercise,working.day trips.. at three my kid comes home then its homework and watching her play outside cook dinnner then by like five im like ok what do i do now? maybe a meeting but i have her and the language there is terrible I only take her now on sundays after church till bed time...theres no snooze button on me less i drink.
Pic thanks for your reply i needed to hear that someone else was angry like i am. Im trying today is hard.. ill be back in a few gonna do dishes and get dinner ready.
I just wanted you to know that in my first 30 to 90 days of recovery, I almost went bonkers ... sleep was damn near impossible and I could not turn my brain 'off' for sh!t .... I cleaned and cleaned and did every conceivable project I could find JUST to try and keep my 'THINKING' under control ... I went to two, sometimes three meetings a day to give my brain food for thought .... after a while of enduring this, I found that my 'thinking' began to change and things got better, gradually, to the point that sobriety was enjoyable rather than a 'pain in the a**' ...
Try to stay the course ... it becomes harder and harder to stay sober went we break down and drink again ... you are in the recovery process, just keep on keeping on ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My experience matches Pappy's. Imagine that! We all share a common problem with a common solution. I came to a point where I just let go and believed in The Process(Steps etc.) and listened to what others had to say and did what they told me to do. In spite of myself and my crazy thinking at times. Things/I got better. It worked. The Program works. The Promises materialized. I changed and so did my thinking, feelings and actions. Now, it's maintaining that Spiritual connection that same way I got it. By continuous action.
Keep at it! Your worth it! It will get better! Give time- time. T= things, I= I, M= Must, E= Earn or Things I must endure.
John thats exactly right my thinkin is off the chain along with my natural restless spirit. as you can see it is three am and im UP searching for something to calm me enough to go back to sleep.
