Welcome to the MIP board. Hope you stick around and participate.
I'll start by saying I spent my first 16 yrs in sobriety in a part of the country that didn't do all the chips or any celebrations. They would ask at the beginning of the meeting if anyone had a anniversary that month. If so, you stood up said your name and date then sat your ass back down... no clapping, chips cake etc. Just to help give new people some hope that you could have years of sobriety. So I'm not a big fan of anniversary celebrations in general.
I agree that your sober date should be your first day "sober", I wouldn't celebrate my anniversary 3 weeks early. Personally, I wouldn't get "twisted" over a sponcee celebrating one day early. I would nicely tell him how you feel as his sponsor, then let it go. The guy has obviously done something right to stay sober 2 yrs and 364 days....maybe a leap year was in there ??
I really don't see much positive in personal celebration, it can be a chest-pounding practice that can be harmful if anything, the credit needs to go to AA and God. I couldn't find a homegroup in GA that doesn't celebrate and they aren't going to change for me. I just tell my sponcees to keep things in perspective about celebration and have tolerance.
I would think that making a big ordeal over this would create more harm than good...if we read the first tradition this would be wrong, wrong, wrong.
Tradition One: Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon AA unity.
Put the group interests ahead of individual opinions. Sobriety celebrations aren't mentioned in the Bbook, the traditions are.
Just my take,
-- Edited by Rob84 on Tuesday 27th of November 2012 01:26:02 AM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I am working with a sponsee. He has decided [without consulting his sponsor, which would be me] to 'celebrate' his 3 year sobriety date one day early. He is planning to do this at our local homegroup with a celebratory AA meeting; cake, guests, the whole 9 yards. Now guys, I am NOT the 'AA' gestapo, and strive NOT to be a controlling sponsor, but I believe in my heart of hearts this is WRONG. Wrong , wrong, wrong . My belief is, he hasn't earned it yet and you don't celebrate EARLY just because it's more 'convenient' to do so. If so, why do we even have sobriety dates? I discussed this concern to another member, whom then confides in me that he actually drank on the day he celebrates his sobriety. Again, this is me, my humble opinion - but I'm friggin entitled to it: Wouldn't that be celebrating your last drink - as opposed to celebrating your first full day of total sobriety?? It's not the 'making of the decision' to stay sober [as my confidant stated] but the actual day you DID stay sober, right? To me, total abstinence from any mind altering substance in a one 'day period costitutes a sobriety day. Not thinking about it or deciding to do it. Hell, I 'decided' not to drink 15 times BEFORE I actually abstained and did it. And [my definition] of a sober day is the period of waking up and going to bed within a 24 hour calandar day WITHOUT drinking and/or drugging. Ok, guys, feel me on this: By this mentality, what if I'm going to Europe 3 weeks before my actual sobriety date, and want to celebrate my anniversary with my standing homegroup early before I leave. So this would be OK??? No, not in my book.
I would never celebrate a sobriety date early. N E V E R. In my thought processes, it simply hasn't been earned yet.
Guys, I am really getting twisted up about this. I'm tempted to sever it with my sponsee and also my homegroup. It's NOT the amount of time early, but early AT ALL in my book is WRONG. Furthermore, I don't even understand how anyone in AA could possibly see this as 'OK'. Is it me - guys??? PLEASE weigh in with your thoughts and comentary, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks
I don't know my precise sobriety date so I have probably been getting it wrong for years, but I don't know whether early or late. To me, the celebration is an expression of gratitude to those that have helped me stay sober. If I can't be there on the day, or the event occurs on a different day than the group meets, I don't see a problem with going to the nearest available date. Afterall I'm in this game to stay sober for good, I live life one day at a time and the book tells me that if I stay in fit spiritual condition today, I have as good a chance as anyone else of permanent sobriety. I can't recall if the Book has anything to say on correct celebration of sobriety dates, but it does ask us to bear witness to God's power. Celebration of 3 years sobriety by someone who was a hopeless case, even if it is a day or two early, certainly does that.
Hi, and Welcome. In the area where I live, sobriety b-day celebrations vary from person to person. Some of the folks in my homegroup have a facebook thing going on, and so a lot of them post it on there. That in turn leads to some big "to do's", with cake, balloons, cards, the whole nine yards. Personally, I don't participate, but if I happen to be at a meeting where there is a celebration, I extend my congratulations and leave it at that. I have met folks who go about to every group in the area and announce their b-day and collect a coin, folks who announce it all month long, folks that announce it at one meeting and call it good. I have been at meetings where the person opens their share with their sobriety date and their name. I didn't understand that until one lady who does it said that her sponsor taught her that it is important to show the newcomer the program does work. Her sobriety date is 9/09/01, and to me personally, that speaks volumes about how this program can work, at any time, if someone truly wants it. In the end, the only person's sobriety I can ultimately be responsible for is my own, and how I define my sobriety needs to be between me and my HP. I have met folks in AA who don't drink but do drugs, and consider themselves sober, and folks in NA who drink but don't do their drug of choice, and consider themselves clean. I don't agree for me personally, but again, a personal choice. I like what Rob said "I really don't see much positive in personal celebration, it can be a chest-pounding practice that can be harmful if anything, the credit needs to go to AA and God." At the same time, acknowledging your sobriety date does give hope to the newcomer. On my one year sober day, there was a gentleman who celebrated 22 years. I remember him saying that he had to remember not ot get so many years that he forgot about the days. Makes sense to me. All I really have is today. In my opinion after reading your post, although you feel as strongly as you do about all this, it's seems to be renting a lot of space in your head. Is it worth it? And, oh, by the way, what does YOUR sponsor say??? (sorry, I couldn't resist) Hope all works out for you and your sponsee. Take care & Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Personally, I don't have a problem with it. If he/she was celebrating a month early then I would say something. We've actually had some people celebrate a month later -for various reasons of course, but not for one day. Like Mike said: "The celebration is an expression of gratitude", so from that standpoint it can't hurt.
Thanks guys. I guess I am stuck with the 'principal' of the thing. And he DOES know his sobriety date. I'd bet a paycheck he won't drink, but that's not the point. Anyone?
I suggest you read the pamphlet 'Questions and Answers on Sponsorships'. I also suggest that you talk to your sponsor about your feelings on this topic.
I must admit, I've celebrated my anniversary a day or two early over the years at my homegroup. We just give out coins. I've also celebrated birthdays, wedding anniversarys, 4th of July, Christmas, graduations, etc.,etc., both early and late. We don't celebrate the date, we celebrate the occasion.
I'd bet a paycheck he won't drink, but that's not the point. Anyone?
I think it is the point. It took me a long time to get away from doing/arguing about things because of "general principal". Falls under "do you want to be Right or do you want to be Happy?"
I am working with a sponsee. He has decided [without consulting his sponsor, which would be me] to 'celebrate' his 3 year sobriety date one day early. He is planning to do this at our local homegroup with a celebratory AA meeting; cake, guests, the whole 9 yards. Now guys, I am NOT the 'AA' gestapo, and strive NOT to be a controlling sponsor, but I believe in my heart of hearts this is WRONG. Wrong , wrong, wrong . My belief is, he hasn't earned it yet and you don't celebrate EARLY just because it's more 'convenient' to do so. If so, why do we even have sobriety dates? . . .
I would never celebrate a sobriety date early. N E V E R. In my thought processes, it simply hasn't been earned yet.
Guys, I am really getting twisted up about this. I'm tempted to sever it with my sponsee and also my homegroup. It's NOT the amount of time early, but early AT ALL in my book is WRONG. Furthermore, I don't even understand how anyone in AA could possibly see this as 'OK'. Is it me - guys??? PLEASE weigh in with your thoughts and comentary, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks
Have you factored in the impact of 2012 being a leap year?
I don't see the big deal in celebrating it a day early at this point in his recovery. I don't think I would make that choice, but it doesn't make the choice a wrong one.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I personally like Rob's take on this issue .... makes a lot of sense to me ... 'our common welfare should come first' ... and to repeat what's been said already, I'd express my feelings to him on the issue and let it go ... no real reason to make a big deal out of it whether it's to the group OR whether it's to yourself internally ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
At my home group anniversaries are pretty low key. You get a sponsor or friend to say a few words about you and present you with your chip (for 1 yr and above). We don't do cakes or celebrations or things like that. I'm kinda puzzled as to why you, as his sponsor are reacting so strongly to the whole thing. In the grand scheme of life, I'm pretty sure there are a million more important things than eating a little cake a day early.
My own 2 cents...I remember early on in a meeting on a Monday night I stood up to announce the anniversary of the day I stopped using(drinking). The actual date wasnt until that thursday but I announced in that homegroup and on way up to get my coin a now close friend yelled out,no coping short.He later explained that the general idea was not to celebrate until your actuat date of stopping. He also related it to celebrating your belly button birthday early etc., it was his idea and that particular homegroups(each group is autonomous unless it affects others). I learned thru the years,for me ,that its really about my quality of recovery and not the actual minutes,hours,days etc.WE really work a process of Just For Today,24 hour periods so I keep that in !mind..I know for me again,although the actual day I stopped using all drugs(alcohol) was my day of surrender,but my body was not free of the poison for awhile after,it took time to leave my system..And only YOU really know the actual date you stopped and others take your word for it,so for me personally I know on December 2nd each year I celebrate my anniversary.I remember that day vividly,it was actually my fathers birthday,who had died a year and a half before. Some may not actually know the date and may do their best to find a common date as far as the best of their ability to remember.For me,celebrations are about the newcomer,sharing how I did it year after year(a day at a time) and what the program ,fellowship and the guidance above all,from my Higher Power whom I choose to call God helped me move forward... As a sponsor and sponsee relationship If I was feeling any type of situation that was causing me anxiety etc I would share it and leave it at that. WE DO BECOME VISIONS OF HOPE, EXAMPLES THAT THE PROGRAM WORKS AND OUR JOY IN LIVING FREE FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION IS AN ATTRACTION TO THOSE STILL SUFFERING .WE help.our sponsees thru the 12 steps by sharing our own ESH, thats all WE really have, no Big I's or Little U's, one helping another in a loving and caring manner to the best of our abiities...Again quality not quantity is the importance here, WE probably all know some who WE may think use their TIME as a badge of rank etc...Just For Today I will not use any mind altering mood changing substances, especially alcohol, its all I have,yesterday is gone and tomorrow not promised,each day makes weeks,months years,decades etc,but its still only today I have and that truly is by the grace and mercy of God....WE have sobriety dates for a reason but we have daily recovery staying free of that first one, contingent upon a fit spiritual condition and some daily work and a trust in our Higher Power...I like the statement below,"maybe he just likes cake!!!!!!!that puts a little less rigidity in it all.... I like cake too.............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
AMD, like i said before, technically of course you're right. And of course you're doing a good job of practicing your principals. I like the saying "what keeps you sober might get me drunk" (and visa versa). But someone's D.O.S. is a personal thing and imo we shouldn't challenge someone on it. It's probably time to let it go and turn it over.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 27th of November 2012 11:23:30 PM
To bail out on a sponsor/sponsee relationship and a home group over something so trivial would point to the problem being you. My sobriety date is October 1st. I wait until the end of the month in most groups to get a medallion. This year that wound up being 30 days later (Halloween) in my Wednesday group. Anyhow, If my sobriety date was September 30th, I would have a hard time deciding whether or not to celebrate at the end of the month with other September celebrants. Personally, I don't see a problem with it. The anniversary celebration is the last week of the month "for people who have anniversaries during that month." Hence, I feel it is okay to take a medallion if it's during a weekly meetings, your anniversary is in the month being celebrated and it just happens to fall a day or two later.
I do know people who will not do that. I don't know if I would. I would consider that jinxing myself I guess....This is why I've never been tempted to take a coin on meetings that fall at the end of September, even though, time wise, those celebrations are much closer to my actual anniversary date. That would be whack though because the group actually says "Congrats to all the September Celebrants" pretty much and that would make me a liar. It would not make your sponsee a liar because he is a "November Celebrant" and wants to celebrate his anniversary during the month it occurs with the folks that he ordinarily does.
This is your issue. Not his. There are much greater "principles" to abide by in AA here. For example, love and tolerance - unity.... Some folks flat out lie about their sobriety dates. I remember getting all upset about a person I knew who progressed to a year sober when I flat out knew they came into AA after me (this was in my first year). My sponsor told me "That person has their own issues. Mind your own sobriety time and not others'"
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I hear you all - and thanks. I was stuck at the 'honesty' principle I guess, and this just doesn't seem honest...to me, that is. No offense to anyone.
My sober date is what it is, i celebrate it on the same day each year and it was the first complete day i did not drink. It's March 12th. I don't think it matters if it was a leap year, I don't think it matters what time of day i got up or went to bed, or if I 'just like cake' or want to celebrate it early when it's conveniently for -whatever- reason. And to set your original date as a day you drank on really seems out there to me. But reading these responses I am not so much that I cannot admit that I am wrong. I asked for responses from responsible and sober AA members, and I have gotten them. I thank you for this.
My last thought, which brought on the comments about leaving my group, etc: This scares me guys, and sounds like just ME. What are we telling the new guy? That "it's a honest programmost of the time?" Guess I'm old school, whatever. I clung to that as I grew, led by mentors much wiser than me who swore I'd be drunk again if i didn't get honest. I have, I am. I'm trying to pass that to my sponsee. Trying
Your right about the honesty of what our program is about. And what the truth is should never be made something its not. 24 hrs is 24 hrs, not 23 or 25. I also know that intense seriousness is a sign of spiritual illness. I got sober cause I thought it was a good idea, not because someone told me it was. I got honest because i thought it was a good idea not because someone told me so. And both of those, and other things i picked up along the way, was because of the pain i got from doing those things..drinking, dishonesty, ect...and because of the example of those that came befor me. One of the best things i was told in the begining was i could do what ever i wanted to do and i could do it as long as i could stand it. Kinda like screwing a porcuipine, when the pain exseedes the pleasure, we stop. As is said in our lititure ( not quoted ) my greatest teachers in AA have been intence pain and intence love. We learn to love people even when their wrong. Chips and cake are not really part of AA anyway, not really. Be an example of love and tollerence that stands firm in the truth.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
I discussed this concern to another member, whom then confides in me that he actually drank on the day he celebrates his sobriety. Again, this is me, my humble opinion - but I'm friggin entitled to it: Wouldn't that be celebrating your last drink - as opposed to celebrating your first full day of total sobriety?? It's not the 'making of the decision' to stay sober [as my confidant stated] but the actual day you DID stay sober, right?
In the early years of AA in Ohio (and NYC) it was the convention to celebrate the day of the last drink.
Bill W. did it. Dr. Bob did it. Thousands of others did it.
I hear many people still do it.
-- Edited by Tanin on Wednesday 28th of November 2012 08:57:35 PM
Once I remembered my date and forgot the year...celebrated my "big deal" 25th a year late. For some reason a number of people were just too-too amused. Oh those aging, damaged brain cells!
But someone's D.O.S. is a personal thing and imo we shouldn't challenge someone on it. It's probably time to let it go and turn it over.
I heartily agree. Why on earth would someone challenge or deprecate a stated sobriety ldate/length?
I was on a forum a while back where a mod deleted a member's post stating he had a year.
Seems that some of the forum's "respected members" were "resentful" about the man since they questioned whether he truly had a year. Much ado about nothing, IMO. What was gained by the respected members?
Some people in AA are funny about sobriety dates/length. The less said about them, the simpler things will be.
I'm not much of a stickler about exact dates because I don't dare. I know I woke up in Stockton CA and went into the detox on either the 19th, 20th, possibly even the 21st. The first few days of detoxing are a total blur. So I call it June, I knew the month, and celebrate with others. My brain was so wet by then, I'm surprised I remember the month! Me, I'm just as happy that I wake up sober in the morning, so if I have today, I'll celebrate every damned day. I suppose it's a matter of personal conscience.
??
. My belief is, he hasn't earned it yet and you don't celebrate EARLY just because it's more 'convenient' to do so. If so, why do we even have sobriety dates? I discussed this concern to another member, whom then confides in me that he actually drank on the day he celebrates his sobriety. Again, this is me, my humble opinion - but I'm friggin entitled to it: Wouldn't that be celebrating your last drink - as opposed to celebrating your first full day of total sobriety?? It's not the 'making of the decision' to stay sober [as my confidant stated] but the actual day you DID stay sober, right? To me, total abstinence from any mind altering substance in a one 'day period costitutes a sobriety day. Not thinking about it or deciding to do it. Hell, I 'decided' not to drink 15 times BEFORE I actually abstained and did it. And [my definition] of a sober day is the period of waking up and going to bed within a 24 hour calandar day WITHOUT drinking and/or drugging. Ok, guys, feel me on this: By this mentality, what if I'm going to Europe 3 weeks before my actual sobriety date, and want to celebrate my anniversary with my standing homegroup early before I leave. So this would be OK??? No, not in my book. 
