Trying weekend!!

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Trying weekend!!

joby · Member

With out going into to much detail, I'm having a very trying weekend. My son (19, in college) made a very "unwise" decision Friday that could have caused legal issues. He was with his cousin, my wife's sister's son, and they did something very stupid. I am having great resentment towards my son, for making a stupid choice. Resentment towards my wife for not letting her sister know, and resentment towards the other boy, my nephew. I know that I need to let go of this resentment, but I feel like I am eaten up with it. I have continued to pray for God to help me release this resentment. I love my son more than life it's self, but I am so dissapointed in the decision he made, and to top it all off, he is getting ready to leave to go back to school. Went to a meeting Fri nite, Sat nite and leaving for another in a bit. Hope I have not rambled to much, I just feel hurt and emotionally confused. Thanks for any advice!!

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

joby wrote:
With out going into to much detail, I'm having a very trying weekend. My son (19, in college) made a very "unwise" decision Friday that could have caused legal issues. He was with his cousin, my wife's sister's son, and they did something very stupid. I am having great resentment towards my son, for making a stupid choice. Resentment towards my wife for not letting her sister know, and resentment towards the other boy, my nephew. I know that I need to let go of this resentment, but I feel like I am eaten up with it. I have continued to pray for God to help me release this resentment. I love my son more than life it's self, but I am so dissapointed in the decision he made, and to top it all off, he is getting ready to leave to go back to school. Went to a meeting Fri nite, Sat nite and leaving for another in a bit. Hope I have not rambled to much, I just feel hurt and emotionally confused. Thanks for any advice!!

joby wrote:

. . .The one main problem that I am dealing with right now is that I am having serious issues dealing with the guilt. The guilt of living the last 30 yrs of my life as a functioning drunk. Like every other alcoholic I have lied, decieved, and been irresponsible as a husband and a father. I have a 19 yr old son, who has turned into a fine young man, and performing very well in college, and I realize now that only God, could have lead him in the right direction. . . I have a loving wife that has been my back bone for 23 yrs. I am very grateful for the many wonderful things that God has provided me. I am having difficulties right now dealing with the guilt of the time I have pi**ed away over the past yrs. I know that this takes time, and I also know that it will take time for my family to understand that I am not the man I used to be . . .

http://www.skysite.org/guilt.html

Guilt and resentment are states of mind that destroy love and create suffering. They seem to be caused by what happened but they're not. They are caused by how you relate to what happened.

Fortunately, since you created them, you can also release them. Use this section to learn how.

Guilt

When you have guilt, you reinforce the feelings of being not okay. You lose your confidence and self-respect. You feel undeserving and you hold yourself back.

The key to releasing guilt is to recognize that we all go through life doing the very best we can with the extremely limited skills and awareness that we have at the time.

Unfortunately, the awareness that we have is seldom enough. As a result we make mistakes. Sometimes we make big ones.

Making mistakes is part of the human process. This is how we learn. Every time you make a mistake you learn a little more about life. You then become wiser and more aware.

Five years from now you will be much wiser than you are today, but the wisdom you will have five years from now doesn't do you any good today. This is true because today, you don't have it.

Likewise the wisdom that you have today didn't do you any good back when you made your mistake. This is true because back then, you didn't know what you know today. You only knew what you knew.

To see this in your life, go back in time to the moment you made your mistake. Notice that at the time, you had a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that you acted totally consistent with where you were at the moment.

If you knew then what you know today, you could have acted very differently, but you didn't. Even if you thought you knew better, you didn't know the consequences like you do today.

So here is the big question: Are you willing to forgive yourself for not knowing? Are you willing to forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware? You might as well. If you look, you did the very best you could with where you were at the time.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive yourself for acting consistent with your limited awareness and forgive yourself for the damage that you caused as a result of your not knowing.

Allow yourself to be human.

Resentment

When you have a resentment, a major part of you closes down. You become bitter and less able to express your love. You lose your aliveness and your joy for life. You put up walls of protection and you make your life more difficult.

Letting go of a resentment is not for the benefit of the other person. Letting go of a resentment is for you.

When you resent someone, you are saying very forcefully, that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. You forcefully blame the other person so you don't have to look at yourself.

If you looked at yourself, you would have to experience all the hurt from what happened. You would have to feel all the hurt of being not good enough, not worth loving or some other form of not okay. To avoid this hurt, you resent.

The first step in releasing a resentment is to be willing to feel this hurt. Look under the resentment and find the hurt. Find the feelings of being not good enough or not worth loving that you are avoiding. Then be willing to experience them. Cry if you can. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, you no longer need the resentment.

Read the sections, Heal Your Hurt and Find And Heal The Inner Issues That Run Your Life.

The next step is to notice that the person you resent has a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that this person has a very limited awareness and acts totally consistent with his or her limited skills and ability.

Now notice that if this person was wiser and more aware, then he or she would be able to act very differently, but the person isn't wiser and more aware. This person only has the limited awareness that he or she has.

Notice that this person is doing the very best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Notice how much this person suffers as a result of his or her limited equipment.

Now ask yourself, Are you willing to forgive this person for not being wiser and more aware? Are you willing to forgive this person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability? Are you willing for forgive this person for the damage that was caused?

Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness is a choice. Let go of your resentment and get on with your life.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Joby, I hope I'm responding within the right context. If I'm understanding right, you have about 3 months sobriety now right? While you do not get a break from being a parent, even when your kid is over 18 and even though you are in early recover, I do suggest that you try your hardest to keep the focus on you.

Right now you have a primary purpose which is to stay sober. Your son's choices and such will result in his own consequences. You are just now coming out of a fog and lots of things are going to hit your nerves really hard and challenging life experiences will seem to come at you like crazy. In reality, you are now just sober for them and you probably used to use these things as excuses to drink.

Nobody works the program perfectly. Add to that: Nobody works the program near perfectly at just 3 months. Hence, the slogans of "first things first" and "keep it simple" have got to become your mantras. Let your son learn from his own mistakes. You have 1 major purpose right now. Stay sober. If you stayed sober today, you have done great.

You are in early sobriety. Your mind wants chaos. It wants resentments so that you can have a reason to drink. The longer you will stay sober, the more you will let go of things and stop hitting your head against a figurative brick wall regarding things you have little or no control over.

This is not to say that you should not have legit concerns or worries about your son and some anger and disappointment at times. That is part of your human experience. It does; however, mean that you turn it over quicker, recognize threats to your sobriety, and ultimately your serenity and then move foward from there.

So my suggestion is to keep the focus on you. Defer to your wife on giving "talks" to your son if need be. You need to stay sober and gain coping skills....not tackle other people's problems. Stay busy with your meetings, sponsor, steps (hopefully you have those things going on).

Of course you love your son but #1 priority is to stay sober. If you don't do that, you wont have a life to even spend with your son regardless of his choices and whatever goes on in his life.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

joby wrote:
With out going into to much detail, I'm having a very trying weekend. My son (19, in college) made a very "unwise" decision Friday that could have caused legal issues. He was with his cousin, my wife's sister's son, and they did something very stupid. I am having great resentment towards my son, for making a stupid choice. Resentment towards my wife for not letting her sister know, and resentment towards the other boy, my nephew. I know that I need to let go of this resentment, but I feel like I am eaten up with it. I have continued to pray for God to help me release this resentment. I love my son more than life it's self, but I am so dissapointed in the decision he made, and to top it all off, he is getting ready to leave to go back to school. Went to a meeting Fri nite, Sat nite and leaving for another in a bit. Hope I have not rambled to much, I just feel hurt and emotionally confused. Thanks for any advice!!

All I can say is that my Father in heaven was disappointed in the stupid things I did too ... but I know He has forgiven me and continues to allow me to make my own mistakes ... I pray to do His will only in my life, but let's face it, I can still get 'brain farts' just like anyone, I'm just glad my Father's love supercedes any of the dumbest things I can come up with ... He forgives me my errors when I try to make things right ... it's very hard, but I try to exhibit that same kind of love with my sons ...

God Bless,

Pappy

Chaya · Senior Member

Joby, I was dealing with a lot of resentment tonight towards my niece. It seemed so crazy and sick to resent a child so then I felt guilty, but still so pissed off. I tried to pray but I didn't want to let go of my anger. That told me something really important. I tried again and then I felt sad and hurt. I didn't like it so I got myself revved up and angry again. I sat in the car with her for almost an hour just stewing. I had to remind myself that resentments can kill someone like me, like us. It seems small but it adds up to be a great reason to drink. I might feel justified for my resentments as im sure you do too. Tonight I had to ask myself how important is it? Is this resentment important enough to threaten my sobriety? I love all the other posts. They are really helpful to my situation tonight. Im glad you brought this up, Joby. It's exactly what I needed to read.

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

I agree with Mark on this one. You need to keep the focus on yourself and not your son. The legal troubles are his responsibility, and yours is to remain sober. The rest is up to the legal system to decide. We'll pray for a healthy outcome.

Picaposie · Senior Member

We have all been given freedom of choice. That was their choice and now they must pay the consequences...just like we had to do. I would pray for them and focus on a positive guidance to help them with the consequences. Your problem is to stay sober through it...because without sobriety you are of no usefulness to them. I hope the week goes better for you, my friend! Hang in there.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Great post and responses. For me, this is what recovery is all about. The mental twists/spiritual malady that precedes that first drink.

Expectations of other= premediated resentment. We set ourselves up for disappointment. I've expected many things from my kids and got what I deserved- disappointment. Your son has his own higher power and it's not you. I've learned in The Program, I have to stop playing God and get back in the part designated for me. A very small part. That to be of help to others sometimes we need to stay on the sidelines and watch the game. In the meantime, we can take care of the only person we have control over and that's ourselves. In doing so, we'll be ready for when the players come off the field looking for guidance and direction. It will now be their choice to ask for help. Willingness........ Prior to that, we may be doing more harm that good.

I look back at 19 and around that age and I did a lot of stupid things I'm not proud of. It was part of growing up. Part of my journey. Step 10 in the 12 & 12 touches on this subject:

" Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up. Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. "

True love and tolerance- to accept people for who they are and not who we want them to be. To allow them to make choices and receive the appropriate consequence of their choices. To live and allow other to live also.

joby · Member

Thanks fore all the help, all very good points. I quess I need to clarify my thread a bit. In the end there were no legal ramifications, I guess what had me all worked up was that the choice that was made could have led to legal problems. I completely understand all of the responses about not trying to force my will on my son, and that his problems are his responsibility and not mine. But, he is still my son. I honestly do not fell that my sobriety was in jeopardy, never had the desire to drink, did realize that if I had benn drinking things would have been worse. In closing, I realize that I am far from being healthy, my reaction reassured me of that. I told him before he left to go back to school yesterday that I love him with all my heart, and just want what is good for him. I prayed for God to help lead him in the right direction and to help my son realize what God's will is for him. I'm just trying to be a father. I love this site, and put great faith in the responses to my threads and those of others, THANK YOU ALL! I feel better today!!