We've all been there at one time or another, and with very similar questions as well. In fact, it was part of my ongoing routine, the seesaw battle with recovery I mean. That was before the bottom dropped out, literally. I'll spare you the details Chaya, but the conclusions were almost certain. And that's when the real dilemma began.
Instead of taking the recovery route, like most normal people, I suffered thru these ordeals time and time again, always with more questions than answers. I considered staying out there, accepting this as my destiny somehow, and either wash up or burn out whatever came first. This was my routine for over 25 + years.
However, it's no way for us to stay sober, the on and off battle with recovery I mean. I would only be fooling myself if I believed that. Sometimes, it takes a while to figure these things out. But time is what I had. In oder to make these commitments work, I needed to become more invovled. I had to reevaluate my condition 'first' and then move on from there. And that's where the steps came in. They held a vital key to overcoming these relapses, particularly the first step. It was the only step that gave me the courage to carry on.
It's a journey dear, and there are no short cuts either -humiliating as that may be. With continued persistence, however, and a positive outlook on our future, it can get better over time."Becoming entirely ready", as the sixth step says, does not mean to 'hold on' or 'cling forever to our past' -the same past that caused our numerous relapses. No, it means be ready for change.
The restless ambivalence that says 'give up before the miracle happens' is just a copout as far as I'm concerned. We can't have these 'freebies' again without any further consequences, something I know all too well. All that will do is lead us to slaughter, once again. Once we have more people in our lives to be accountable to -sponsor included- we wouldn't continue on with this deception without feeling the slightest bit guilty.
So keep working on it Chaya, whatever method you use. It will feel right again even if it hurts. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 25th of November 2012 01:10:16 AM
I'm struggling. Really struggling. Tearfully opened up about it at a meeting tonight. I want so badly to make it to 30 days but it feels like its been forever. I need to change what I'm doing because it's not working. I'm not fully giving myself to the program. I don't have a strong enough sponsor to guide me and that is my doing. I am afraid to commit because I'm afraid it won't work. I've trapped myself in this fear. Something has got to change. I have got to change. It's just so much harder than it looks.
((((Chaya)))) We don't rough ourselves up in recovery. We learn to sit still...very still...and quiet our fears; most of which are not real and say the serenity prayer and then listen to the quiet. Don't get dragged back into your head cause that is a very dangerous neighborhood to be without the support from your/a sponsor and the fellowship. You don't need permission to get another sponsor. Get the "Just for Today" pamphlet out and start memorizing it. We only live this program "Just for Today". I'm also in support. ((((hugs))))
When I am struggling it is because I am "fighting it" and the BB says we need to cease fighting everyone and everything. Reading Acceptance on pg 449 4th addition or 417 5th addition helps quiet the struggle. I promise you, it will work if you let it! We say to ourselves, "what if it doesn't work?" Why not say, "what if it does work?" Hang in there!!
Hello Chaya. Hang in there and buy time, these feelings will pass. Just focus on staying sober today and try and find new ways to enjoy your life. That's what it's about. I filled in my time, in early recovery with simple stuff like taking walks in parks, riding my bicycle, doing little hobbies, listening to music, taking naps... Like Jerry said, learn to be still. As alcoholics, we're so used to stimulating ourselves, up and down, and all the drama that goes with that. Take away the trips to mental disneyland and the drama, and we don't really know what to do with ourselves. What we come to find out is that life without alcohol is pretty easy. Chill out and let sobriety happen.
"I'm afraid to commit because I'm afraid it won't work" and then people will know I'm a failure. Once again. The first part of the sentence is a quote from your post Chaya, the rest are my words. That is how I would of written it, had I written it. I know that fear of failure well, not just in sobriety, but life in general. It was a constant companion to me for most of my adult life. Today I am learning to trust in a HP that I don't understand, can't see, touch, or feel. And sometimes, that belief and the hope and strength it gives me are all that I have to keep me from that next drink. 30 days is a good goal to aim for, and a huge milestone, but how about focusing just on the here and now. Keep reaching out, and if your current sponsor doesn't work for you, ask someone else. Talk with other women in the program. In my home group we have a solid core of women who support each other. Keep coming here. Someone asked me a bit ago if I felt like staying sober was a chore. Honestly, for the first year or so and the many ups and downs that came with it, it was at times. Today, if I can awake and go to a place of gratitude to start my day and visit it often throughout, it is not. It's how I live. The peaks and valleys are still there, that's called life. How I deal with life has changed, and sobriety and recovery are truly gifts to be grateful for. ((((hugs)))) & Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I know that feeling. You just have to gut it out and make it through today. The next 24 hours can be and probably will be entirely different. Do not self-sabotage.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Chaya, You are in good company, this is familiar territory for most of us. In fact Bill Wilson suffered from the exact same thing in the early days of his sobriety. This is what he did:
"I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going."
In todays terms, when you are having a bad time of it, head down to your AA rooms and before long you are sure to find someone who is having an even rougher time. Spend some time with them, talk to them and encourage them and pretty soon you will be "amazingly lifted up and set on your feet".
I am so grateful for you all. I got up this morning, did my morning prayer, and went to a meeting. It was one of the best I've been to. Next, went to my Al-Anon meeting. That too was exactly what I needed. I made a list of the things I want to accomplish today. I decided that I will stick to that list-no more. Sobriety is my number one priority and than means pacing myself and having realistic expectations of myself. It also means that I need to be kinder and more loving towards myself. For today, I am letting go. I'm going to get ready to head out for another meeting now. Love, Chaya.
Chaya, if you're in your first 30 days (or returning within 30 days) maybe skip the al-anon meetings for awhile and just focus on your AA recovery. I remember leaving a good number of Al-anon meetings feeling worse then when I entered. Might just want to "keep it simple" for 6 or 9 months till you're comfortable in your sobriety before taking on another program.
All the 'follow-up' posts here are excellent ... There were soooo many things going on in my head that first 90 days, I thought my head would explode .... I think Dean summed it up best when he stated to just 'Keep it Simple' ... don't even try to figure things out right now, just take today for what it brings and just don't drink ... You've heard it before, 'there's not a problem in the world that a drink or a drug won't make worse' ...
As much as we all hate change, that's what we must do if we want to get better ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Chaya: I can identify. I was in and out of AA and rehabs so many times. Aaaahhhhh the big "C" word. Well for me in the end it was either commit or be committed,as in loony bin. I played a lot of games with the suggestions. Try the program the way you drank-one meeting at a time. If the meeting your at doesn't work for you try another one down the block. AA,my sponsor told, me is not a magic wand. I can play games at any meeting with anybody but it was always me who paid the pound of flesh. Either way drinking or sober there is a price. I keep getting high and the pain is a never ending carousel. I get sober and my mistakes become my biggest assets-if I'm willing to learn from them. As far as picking the right sponsor you'l know you've got a winer when he or she sees right through you disease and share a recover principal with you. For me I found recovery in "The Steps". They gave me a backbone instead of a wishbone. You can also have more than one sponsor. I had three from different groups. The reason was how was I to know I wasn't being lied to??? Well unlike the comic book world I lived in I never had a sponsor tell me anything that was gonna hurt me,unlike my so-called drug fiend friends. There is absolutely nothing in "The Big Book" or "The Steps" that will ever drive me to do anyone anywhere including myself any harm. Just keep on keepin' on. I was heard at a meeting once that in the rooms there's a wrench to fit every nut. Hey it got me to my next meeting. Right now it may seem crazy but for me the dung heap I crawled out from under was my biggest asset. It showed me what would kill me-mentally and emotionally,and it was the best fertilizer in the world to start nurturing the new life that would grow from it. Good Luck-John L.
Thanks everyone! Heading to my first women's meeting tonight and stayed in contact with other alcoholics today. Almost had a moment today where running away would have been my first thought, but I instead picked up the phone and called my mom and called a therapist. I went home, made dinner, paid my bills. I'm going to just keep doing the foot work and believe that the promises will come true.
