Welcome to M.I.P. I understand your frustrations dear, especially with all the added uncertainty nowadays. It's a scenario that's strikes fear in the heart of recovering alcoholics everywhere and not just you: What to do when our circumstances change?
It may seem like an impossible task for us -to see that supposed 'light' at the end of the tunnel, but without the ongoing encouragement I so desperately need, it may actually prove more difficult this time around. That's why our 'sober connections' are so important. They provide me with real time answers to some of life's most challenging questions, and not just for support purposes either. They've become my eyes, ears and voice of reason when I need them the most -even though it took me over 25 years to realize that. It's a sober choice I haven't regretted since.
I use to do a lot of traveling for work, which usually put me on edge. In fact, I felt those usual vibes again while attending a publishing seminar about 11 years ago. I was on a business trip for one of my previous employers in a ghost town somewhere in the Midwest, and with very little to do. There was no place of refuge, just my thoughts and some stuffy hotel room. Then came the moment of dread; should I hit the bars with my colleagues or stay trapped alone in some room.
After 2 days challenging those subtle notions, I started circling around the idea of a drink. One vodka and tonic wouldn't be that bad, or so I thought. Two wouldn't be half bad either. And then I reasoned; you're only an alcoholic if you drink like one. So I picked up a few bottles, used a pen to mark the allowable nightly volume, and rationed my intake as only an alcoholic could. In an alternate world, this could've worked out fine, but not for this alcoholic. I exhaled in disgust at the end of every drink, but I still stuck to the playbook like only a true patriot would. By the third day, though, it became more than just a casual drink, or two. I was hooked again just like in the past. By the fifth day; it became my lonely obsession. My colleagues made a frequent show of ordering iced teas at dinner as a gesture of dry solidarity, but I smirked away the irony just like I did a hundred times before -only to quell those cravings back in my room. And by the end of the week, the pen lines became irrelevant.
After a week of nonstop drinking, I had another decision to make; cave in to that obsession yet again or give recovery once last shot. I choose the later, but not without a fight. I suffered two more relapses that were just as painful, not to mention embarrassing. But at the risk of this sounding more like a copout rather than a sign of solidarity, I can honestly say it sort of felt both good and bad somehow, like it was meant to be. Maybe this was just my way of coming clean, relapses and all -which, by the way, is how my journey began; in the light of past mistakes.
There's something so compelling about sobriety that always made sense to me, yet time and time again I found myself knee deep in path of self destruction. I debated giving recovery one last chance, and cringed at the thought of my wife saying 'you're not serious about sobriety anyway', but I couldn't give up trying. Sitting there scratching my head with two days sober and only three weeks left before my next trip, there seemed some value in acknowledging the truth even though honesty was never one of my strengths . I had to recognize the slipperiness of my current slope and then make the necessary changes before I gave up altogether. I fought so hard to get sober this time around, and after 11 years sober I can honestly say it was worth all the effort. My marriage was saved, all those past hurts started to heal, and the best was still yet to come.
Even In the midst of some uncertainty nowadays, I still remember the day of my last escapade. It was the day I finally came clean, about everything. I'd rather seek the warm embrace of sobriety anyway, than to ruin what I've already gained for the sake of another drink. That's always going to be a given. But the challenges never seem to subside. Yes, sobriety is a lot of mixed feelings that some of us have a hard time dealing with, but the chances of landing on solid ground again are greater when were still sober. So why change a winning formula.
The only way to remedy this situation is by doing the legwork, like you already have. The rest is up to our higher power to decide. It's only through the workings of our higher power that we come to believe, anyway. So why question those intentions now. Remember: "In every adversity there's a seed of equal or greater benefit", awkward as that may sound. The key, however, is to 'wait' for that seed to bloom. It started with sobriety and where that leads only time will tell. I hope it has a happy ending just for you. Onward
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 25th of November 2012 02:00:46 AM
I'm an alcoholic named Ame. I've been a recovered alcoholic in AA for over twelve years. Today has been plodding and rough. I have a surgery coming up and find myself thinking of the free high coming. I feel bored and panicky by turn. Panicky when I think about lack of money/lack of a job right now. Bored as I did laundry. I don't have the gas money to drive to a meeting tonight; I already have plans to go tomorrow. For now, here I am on this forum, asking for help from strangers. I can't seem to find the forest for the trees! My kids are too loud, my husband too short on words, it's cold out, and I'm bored silly trying to find a job in my field. Yesterday, the only thing missing was wine---an unusual thought, as I never learned to drink wine or any other booze the right way. Today, ah, if only I had some opiates to keep me chill and comfortable, not so damn seeking-something. Thanks for letting me share.
Welcome... so glad you reached out here. This is a great group and won't feel like strangers for long. I hope you get to a place of gratitude soon. We are alive and free from prison or mental wards... I always start there... hugs to you.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Welcome to the MIP board. I hope you have a successful surgery, make sure the Doctors know your history. Getting out of self and working to help others is one of the best ways I know to get out of boredom.
Keep the faith and give of yourself and keep coming back!
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
In additon to making sure my health practicioners know my history-especially important for anethesia--I make sure I have my AA/recovery support system all aware and "on duty" to help me with the transition through any really necessary pain meds and back out to ongoing sobriety. I guard against isolation and secrets, which of course are a self-set up. Best wishes--the risk of provoking a relapse process is no less at a couple of decades sober, without our constant vigilence and maintaining our spiritual-condition for the daily reprieve.
Hi Ame, ... Welcome to MIP ... Thanks for sharing ... Now, is a great time of year to do a 'gratitude' list ... there are many who don't have the blessings that we enjoy right now ... my prayers are with you on your upcoming surgery ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I definitely have had that thought about opiates. It's disturbing. I'm definitely going to have to have another person dispense those if I need them. I cannot even take 1 tylenol....I have to take 4. It's still a pretty sick and busted part of me. It scares me frankly.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome Ame! Glad to have you hear with us. The fear which causes the mental obession of an Alcoholic. It goes beyond just drinking or thought there of. I can relate. The thought of pain killers would scare me too. Been there done that. I wasn't entirely honest with myself or anybody else. This was prior to fulling committing myself to The Program. Lesson learned in The Program- Tell my Sponsor and others in the fellowship about any surgery or need for mind altering substances. By telling someone else, it diminishes the power of the obession. It also involves God- through the use of others. This way I'm not fooling myself or anybody else. Throw The Program at it! Always works if we work it.
Breathe..........First thing is your responsible enough to realize your going to take care of yorself. That way you'll be in a better place to handle all those things that annoy you today!!! I know. For me my sponsor use to say "John if you work this program the way it's written,things might not get better but you will." He was right. I got sober at 27 and wanted everything the day before yesterday. I was 64 November 2nd when my wife ( I swear it was on porpose-LOL) had a heart attack that required 4 stents. I met her at 18 and she's been through EVERYTHING. If addiction didn't kill us recovery is a walk in the park. I got my birthday and Cristmas present and a ton of other stuff rolled into one because she's still here. Yeah life can have a lot of broken shoe laces but at the end of the day I know you wanna be there for your family too. Keep us posted on how you make out. I'm sure your family wants you to get better. I'm also sure that maybe there was a time they didn't want you around so much and might have looked forward to your just passing out!!
