For one, I'm thinking about how much contempt I had for alcoholics and addicts when I was younger. I remember being at a show in San Francisco when I was about 19. This one guy was so plastered and he fell backwards, his head landing on top of my foot. I can remember my utter disgust as I swiftly pulled my foot out from under his head so it would hit the concrete. People around me who drank, even socially, said they felt judged. They were right. I did judge them. I didn't know where this hatred came from but looking back I think it was the part of me that knew my parents were alcoholics but denied it. I was so much in denial that when my dad told me in my early 30s that he and my mom were alcoholics I didn't believe him. The denial was so strong. I even denied his opiate addiction. I denied how serious my mom's drinking was until I lived with her as an adult and started to see what was going on. So, where do I fit into all this? I knew I was an alcoholic before I took my first drink. The first time I fantasized about drinking I was in middle school. I was depressed and thought that if I just went downstairs and got a bottle of vodka it would make it better. Then, I told myself what a sick idea that was and went to sleep. My college boyfriend was a social drinker. He would have a couple beers here and there, loosen up a little, but was pretty much just himself. I was so afraid of him getting drunk. I made this rule that he could have 1 beer, but to please never get drunk. I was petrified but didn't know why. By the time I was 23 and started drinking I drank to get drunk. There was never any other way. I was still with him, but not for long. I was restless. I needed the drama in my life and he just didn't provide it. So, at 23 there I was in the city. I didn't care about life. I didn't care about drinking anymore, riding on the back of motorbikes driven by drunken men 10 years older. I was a big girl i thought. I was finally attractive. I feel like I became a character. I was there to please others, give them a good time, especially men. As time went in I needed liquor to be the woman they wanted; to degrade myself in ways they said they needed. I've always said that year I started drinking was the best year of my life. It was so sad. I was full of so much fear. Hmmmm. I guess that's all I needed to dump out for now. I don't exactly know where to put it. I thought for so long that alcohol gave me my freedom. Actually, I never realized it until this moment but alcohol became very important to me during times of transitions, breakups, endings. Yah. I guess that's it for now. I feel a little lighter getting those thoughts out.
I can identify with that too. Alcohol was involved in every hook up, every relationship, at every transition.... It literally infested my whole life. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. My uncle was an alcoholic and I turned out a lot like him. Despite not growing up in an alcoholic home, I sought it out and made much of my life about drinking including my relationships.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I can certainly relate! I sure don't like it when the head starts whirling! I feel like my head is a blender sometimes! Someone taught me a meditation that helped: Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a room and all these thoughts are characters. Go up to each one and offer a hand, grasp theirs and say "Thank you for coming and for your input" all the while escorting them to the door. As one leaves, close the door and move on to the next one. Repeat until the room is empty. Go over to the window and open the blinds or raise the shade and invite the sunlight of the spirit in. Bask in the warmth and thank HP for the opportunities of growth. I find peace with this meditation.
I don't exactly know where to put it. I thought for so long that alcohol gave me my freedom. Actually, I never realized it until this moment but alcohol became very important to me during times of transitions, breakups, endings. Yah. I guess that's it for now. I feel a little lighter getting those thoughts out.
Hi Chaya.
I can relate to your post. Alcohol was part of every event I ever had, it became part of every event and situation. I thought I couldn't handle life without it, but I knew it was killing me also.
"We will know a new freedom and a new happiness". This is a promise that will come true if we work for it. I never realized how I had become a prisoner of king alcohol, I was never free, a lot of my daily energy was spent recovering/hiding/lying/ and arraigning live to accommodate the drink.
Thanks,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Wow!! Can I identify!!! I use to want somebody to implant an on off switch in my head. Static in the attic I called it. Funny thing about thoughts. I learned that in my experience they can only have as much power in my life as I choose to give them. I learned in the beginning that just yelling STOP at them seemed to help I also learned that if I got up and just did something else that often I forgot what I was thinking about. No one really knows where thoughts come from or where they go or even what the speed of thought might be. For me I had to learn how the beast (disease) worked in my life then I could sart seeing the strength in the rooms and particulary in the experience of people who were using the steps. My disease wants to seperate me from the rooms and the people in the fellowship then it wants to surround me with my "stinkin' thinkin' " and then it will overwhelm me and take me out. My disease loved to degrade me a piece of sanity at a time. For me without sanity sobriety is meaningless. Thank God for a 2nd step. The "Higher Power" I have now is better than the power that was greater than myself that lived in my thoughts and the negative emotions they gave life to. Good Luck John L.
