WOW, your 1st question is a 'biggie' ... there's a lot missing from your story so I cannot know how to adequately answer this until I know more of your length of sobriety, just how far in working the steps you are, and whether you're 20, 40, or 60 years old ... But basically, when we work the steps as laid out in the BB, we come to know a new freedom in life itself ... not everyone around us is going to be going through the same transformation that we are going through ... re-read the 'Promises' on pg. 83 and 84 in the BB ...
Our old 'selfish ways' and our 'selfishness' does disappear over time, but we must have 'tolerance and patience' for this to become our 'way-of-life' ... it DOES take time for these new traits to become who we are ... along the way there WILL be those that test us to our very limits but with God's help, or your 'higher power', you will overcome these obstacles ... there will be times that we must set some boundaries with our relationships with others ... In some cases it could be viewed that our new way of life makes us 'easy pickens' for those that would have us do their 'bidding' ...
I may have given up some of my 'selfishness, but it doesn't mean I need to agree with everyone all the time either ... What I try to achieve is a better understanding of what it is God would have me do, not necessarily what others would have me do ... I try to be honest, just, and fair in all situations ... others usually tend to notice my character being that of a good friend and will not take advantage of me ... I have seen others see something in my character they like and have questioned me on how do I manage to stay 'upbeat' most all the time and they want to know how they can grab them some enthusiasm like i have ... I usually say I get mine from being sober and they laugh ... but it's our spiritual fitness that's the key to maintaining my sanity ...
For today, absolutely no-one can disrupt my conscious contact with God ... I will not harbor any ill will toward others no matter how much they may try my patience ... I know the results that can happen associated with resentments ... I refuse to allow room in my head to plant and grow anger ... Today I know to use patience, tolerance , and acceptance and try to live my life like I would wish to see others live ... I have chosen to become the change I wish to see in the world ... it makes a huge difference in my overall attitude toward others ...
There are times when I have to excuse myself from a situation and I simply say that 'this' could jepardize my sobriety and I will have no part of it ... period!
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 12th of November 2012 05:28:04 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi folks,
I'm struggling with a concept in the AA programme and it's the selfish and self centred bit. I can totally see how self centred behaviour selfish and self seeking behaviour were the root of our problems and drive our defects of character. I am now in recovery and am working the programme, I am now useful, help others where I can, practice giving and openness at home etc. however, where do I draw the line with giving? There are people close to me in my life that would keep taking until there was no more left of me, they would take everything, they also have the knack of making me feel like I'm still selfish even though I am giving and supporting them. So where do I stop.
The book says "praying onlu for knowledge of his will for us" but can I not pray that I'll get a job, that I won't get fired etc..?
The book saying"asking nothing for myself......" I don't quite see how this can be practical, if I really did take this fully on board my whole life would be in service to my wife and family, do innot get to get a life here.
We are also told we're not doormats now that we're sober? But is saying for not being selfish?
Maybe I'm missing a appoint here I assume there is a balance to be found here otherwise I would be codependent right? So where is the line, the book doesn'tt explain this well enough for me to understand?
Can anyone help me with this.....
Thanks in advance.
That is a very good question! The program has taught me to be both selfish and selfless. We are all selfish and self-centered at times and we all learn to be a little more "self"LESS...but I draw the line when I feel like having a drink over it. Balance is the key. If I'm so selfish that I give nothing...my character is out of balance...yet if I give so much that I don't take care of me...my character is out of balance. So it's somewhere in the middle. Like a pendulum...balance comes in the middle somewhere. God knows our needs...and for me personally, I ask if I feel the need to...and He will provide far better than we can imagine. Cease fighting and let Him guide and direct your thoughts and actions. Breathe in and breathe out and keep practicing! Hope this helped some...have a great day!
You are supposed to do God's will and be of service to your fellows as God wants. God doesn't want you to be a monk or a martyr. There is a BIG difference between being selfish and engaging in SELF-CARE. Self care is a good thing. You need to be good to yourself and nurture your spirit in order to truly be of use to anyone else. If you are not good to yourself, all your giving to others is going to come from a place of resentment because there's not enough left over for you.
Let your HP help you take care of you first....Then approach the world and do as you feel your HP wants. Remember, your wife and children have their own HP's. You do not need to be God for them. Some of us swing the pendulum too far because we figure we were good for nothing and now we want to make up for it by being everything. That is futile. Just pray to do what you are capable of and to do good deeds within the limited sphere that you live in. Don't over extend yourself here.
Your HP wants you happy and free more than anything else.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
pinkchip said it better than I could. It makes me think of the advice we get on airplanes. Put your oxygen mask on first, then help those around you. For me, that is daily prayer and reflection. If my tank isn't full, I have nothing to share with others. That being said, there are times when that tank feels like it is getting a bit low and that's when I know I need to refocus on God's will for me and meditating on what the next right action is to be.
All the best to you. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Welcome to the MIP board! You asked a very good question. I really think that balance, practice, prayer and using our brains is the answer. For me I just try to not be an idiot, keep my motives in line (below). I ask how will my actions affect the other person? I try to get out of self and make some calls, send messages, or post here at MIP where I could possibly help someone. Sometimes, I just try to do the next right thing.
I would suggest "easy does it". Just relax and take it slow, don't struggle, and make some small improvements every day. Going crazy and doing everything for others can also become a diversion and cop-out for avoiding the things we really need to be doing in our lives....keep our own house in order and staying sober in #1, can't give away what you don't have.
Giving to those who are self absorbed "takers" is not a positive action or God's will in my life. Should I do everything at my homegroup or try to get new people active and doing positive works?.
"but can I not pray that I'll get a job, that I won't get fired etc..? The book saying"asking nothing for myself......" I don't quite see how this can be practical". For me, it doesent make sense to pray for God's will to be done, and then telling him the answer you want. God's will is God's will, get into action and do the works the right outcomes will happen. We always get what we need.
Don't put a question mark(?) where God put a period(.)
Hope this can help!
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Welcome Travel An. I hope you keep coming back and help us stay sober. It certainly is a balance between self- care and selfishness. For me, I learned in AA to change the hierachy on the serving scale. Prior to AA: it was everyone else, me then God. Add 12 Steps and a new HP(God)- it now goes by: God, Me then everyone else. When I work The Program and seek Gods will and taken care of me, everyone else benefits. Sounds selfish, but it's not. I'm of no use to others until my house is in order. I can then serve others with no strings attached. From a place of true love and not what's in it for me. Prior to AA- I served everyone else for the wrong reasons and neglected myself. I paid a heavy price for that fear based logic.
For me it is always (to the best of my ability) God first and then self/others, my Higher Power always helps determine in which order that comes.Stick around ,one thing for sure More is always revealed/...!peace
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
It's easier for people to say 'yes' than to say 'no'; that's why selfishness has become so rampant nowadays. The phrase "to thy own self be true" was created for this specific purpose in mind; to be responsible for 'ourselves' and not others. It removes the barrier of regret so we don't have to feel threatened anymore.
The first thing we should do is remove the welcome sign from our footstep. It can only attract and not promote certain behaviors. Once that's accomplished, you begin to find out who your real friends are and not just deadbeats either. These people, who were just using you, will show their true colors while your real friends will stick around. And so begins the process of letting go.
Remember: Don't allow others to take advantage of you, it will only cause you more regrets. Develop a strong enough backbone that can support the weight of vulnerability and then continue on from there. It's the first step towards freedom.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 16th of November 2012 04:00:16 PM
Hi there, I have just randomly logged on here and read your post... Id like to add my take on this. Yes, we pray for knowledge of Gods will and how we can be of service to others. It does not mean (as you say) that we are doormats. In the book it tells us to treat people as though they too are spiritually sick. I always say if I was delivering soup to a sick friend everyday and they keep throwing it in my face, I am going to stop delivering it. Not being self-centred is about not 'thinking' of our selves so much. Self-pity, resentment, pride, ego.. all these emotions are about (self) we ask God to remove these defects of character that get in the way of being useful to others... Look at the 3rd step prayer and St Francis prayer... Its not what can i change in others but what can i change in me and in my attitudes. I hope this make things a little clearer.......
