I looked at my husband after watching the movie flight last night - and I said "The powerlessness? If you would have told me I was losing my kids and my family while I was drinking, I would not have been able to stop even if I wanted to. With out help, I would have so badly not wanted to drink again, but I would have. The disease would have taken you and everything away from me, and I would have been powerless to stop it. I'm powerless, and that's what my disease is."
He had just said to me "I was really surprised to see him completely drunk in the hotel, I thought he would have just had a few, since he had such an important court hearing."
So, today, I accept that he'll never really understand (maybe try really hard, and get really close). I can accept and love the fact, that he'll never truly have to go through what we do. I love him for trying. I love this program for showing me that I do not HAVE to drink today. I love this program for saving my marriage, my relationship with my kids... everything... my life. But I also love this disease - because just like the movie - without it, I may have never found the God of my understand. I would never know the sweet sweet freedom of letting go.
Gratefully yours,
Tasha
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I haven't seen the movie, but from the sounds of it, it's like some of us looking into a mirror ... we don't like what we see, but it does wake us up to one of two facts ... either we conclude we should do something about our drinking -OR- we become grateful we are doing something about our drinking ...
Those of us on this side of those prison walls become immensely grateful ... and yes, it took me a few years, but now I too, can feel grateful to be an alcoholic who is active in recovery for the simple fact that I would not have come to know God without being one ... (in all likelihood) ...
Love Ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Tasha...your perception; your "getting it" is valuable. Even this old timer learns from it..."yes now I get it more clearly. It is the experience of the disease that is so important to the desire for sobriety...healing. It is the experience of being caught and trapped in this monsters jaws that makes me daily call out to the Power Greater than it to stay with me so I can experience the freedom." I thank you for being here a part of this recovery family and enjoy the feeling of knowing how much you and your family will experience another day of freedom from it. I suggest that you cut and paste your share on the Al-Anon Board that those who haven't yet come to understanding of our addiction can have more of it. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks Tasha -- you've reinforced my own understanding of how AA works and, at least in my experience, how recovery not involving other alcoholics doesn't.
It this quote of your husband's: "He had just said to me "I was really surprised to see him completely drunk in the hotel, I thought he would have just had a few, since he had such an important court hearing.""
That reminds me how *only* an alkie can understand that need for the first drink, and then the itch for the second, and then the absolute ok'ness of the third and then the robot arm reaching for the fourth, etc.
We need each other in this fellowship. Prayer, meditation, all great stuff. But without each other, without interacting at meetings and other opportunities to carry this message, we might as well just be square pegs in a world of round holes.
Great post Tasha. I just love your gratitude, not to mention your outlook on life. It makes sobriety that much easier. Thanks again for keeping it green.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 12th of November 2012 03:10:31 AM
I want to see this movie and yet I don't at the same time. It will be like watching a car crash. It's hard to watch "Leaving Las Vegas" and "When a man loves a woman." Leaving Las Vegas because I can identify with the Nicholas Cage character drinking to die. When a man loves a woman because they showed her working her program, struggling, and then blossoming after so much work and how that played out in her relationship with her children and husband. It's pretty accurate (albeit simplified) in terms of portraying how things don't get all better the minute we stop drinking.
So, I really want to see this movie. My sponsor is an ex-pilot. He tells me back when he was flying it was the norm to get smashed all the time and other pilots didn't like you if you DIDN'T drink.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yikes - I'm flying with my kids to see my brother next week : (
Mark - I agree with you about movies, I couldn't watch certain ones, but this one is very harmless in the way you are fearing. I would say, though it's eye opening, it's "easy" to watch - if that makes any sense. You should totally watch it.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
