Last night my sponsee's room mate called to ask me what to do about my sponsee being drunk and passed out. About the fact that she's now drinking at work. She asked me if they should do an intervention and then put her in treatment. She's been drinking every day for 4 yrs. Her father just died. "Her frail little body can't handle all this... she's going to have a nervous breakdown. She's drinking BECAUSE of the death." She vented. I listened.
I heard that word because - and I explained to her my personal belief, which did not mean that dealing with a death of a parent was easy to grieve, just that - with as much empathy as I could - she was not drinking BECAUSE of any reason other than her disease. I told her of the death I used as an excuse for more than 10 yrs. How I used that excuse because it was so widely accepted. Not that it didn't hurt - or that it wasn't traumatizing. Of course, my experience is different, it wasn't a parent... but I can only share my experiece.
I explained how I couldn't grieve or work through it truly, until I had worked through my addiction first. I had to get to a place within me, to even begin to understand these other things - and only then could I come to grips with events such as death and trauma... I'm certainly no where near the bottom of my own list of things, but I have been able to find peace with some pretty big things.
I thought of all the outpouring of wisdom here on this board. I felt confident relying upon what I knew to be the best source of help - as someone mentioned in another post... silence. I didn't feel the need to jump all over it, as I probably would have in the past. I didn't step onto a pedestal - something I would have let wash all over me, all warm and fuzzy. I didn't pretend to know the answer - something else I would have not only been determined to get across, but also cram down your throat, begin to wonder if I believe my crap and lies myself, and finally... get pissed when you didn't buy it, realizing your too smart/confident for me to break, and then feel quite broken in my own heart and soul as a result of my insanity...
... No... it didn't have to go like that. I was able to feel the pain of what this lady, my sponsee and her family were going through, without internalizing it as my fault, trying to take control, or trying to play God.
For me, turning my will and my life over to the care of God, does not mean I will know how to be God. It also doesn't mean I can do His will perfectly at all times. It simply means I can be quiet and listen - I can open my heart to His love, I can share my experience, and know where the truth in my words are today.
I want my sponsee to live, and I want her family to be free from this turmoil, but it is not in my hands, I do not feel afraid that I am wrong... because I can accept being wrong. Most certainly, I am excellent at being wrong - always have been!!! ; P hehe
Today, my gift seems to be the knowing that I am still worthy of giving and receiving love, despite how well I do it, or the outcome.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Good post, and good call on your sponsee. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't fix everything, especially with relapsers. I find it best to show support if they wish to get back into the program and practice the steps, but otherwise, I step away.
I think this is a wonderful 'outlook' you have on the current situation with your sponsee ... I feel the old saying of 'you can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make him drink' applies ... We can only hope that our leadership for the sponsee will turn 'on' some sort of light to the way they think ... and we can also pray that God will enlighten them to the magnitude of their problem ...
Of course drowning oneself in a bottle will not bring their father back ... and we know that to drink over any reason will just make a bad situation worse ... she obviously is still simply trying to 'escape' reality ... but we all know the alcohol isn't the answer ... I'm sure you tried to describe our relationship with Alex and to compare our experience with your sponsee based upon the results of what happened there ... Sounds way too familiar, doesn't it ? ...
In cases like this, I think we need to find a way to try and create the 'desire' to live sober in the person in question ... How ? ... by sharing our ESH ... and then, for me, I pray for the person and let God take the reins ... sounds like you've been following this path ... I'm proud to have you as a fellow recovering alcoholic ... you're doing all that can be expected and more ... great job ...
I don't know if this will help or not, but here's a clip from my notes I use when I'm the speaker at a 'speaker meeting' :
1st of All
Sponsor: 1st of all, Its your thinking thats wrong.
Sponsee: How much of my thinking is wrong?
Sponsor: We always start with all of itthen if theres any, any good, well let you know.
Sponsee: You put a sign up that sez.. THINK, THINK, THINK.
Sponsor: Thats for us Now were gon to give you some things to do and things not to do.. Now the things well give you not to do is gon to changethe things we give you to do, youre gon to add toThen its gon to happen over here.
Sponsee: Whats gon to happen over there?
Sponsor: We dont know but it always happens!!!
Sponsee: Im going to tell you something.Ive been listening to you and listening to youNow you listen to me..I DO NOT UNDERSTAND..
Sponsor: AND THATS IT & DONT YOU EVER FORGET IT.
Theres two things you must remember every day for the rest of your days
1. No matter whats gon on in your lifeYou Do Not Understand.then youll have understanding
And when you quit trying to understand, then you can enjoy it.
2. No matter what your situation is,.its never them..never her, never him never God,its YOU that must become different than you ever have before.
Sponsee: How do I do that?
Sponsor: Oh! You cant!
Sponsee: What the Hell you telln me that for???
Sponsor: Thats whats gon to happen to ya.
NOW IM GOING TO GIVE YOU THE KICKER.
This is the very one thing that got you hereBut its the very one thing that,..should it not change,..will be the very one thing thats going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children..
As long as you know that you know,.youll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know that you dont know,.then youll begin to know..
Sponsee: Hell, youre crazy
Sponsor: I know
Hope you can use this in any way you see fit ... I just pray it can help someone else to gain even the littlest grain of understanding ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Someday, God willing, she will see how blessed she was to have an emotionally mature sponsor in her corner.
Psst....yea, that would be you, Tash. *hugggs*
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Thanks Rob, ... What a great reminder ... to gauge our success by our own sobriety, not others ...
Yea Pappy. Sponsorship is a good exercise for keeping my own ego in check. We can't make anyone sober or get them drunk, I don't have that kind of power.
Just like the Pizza guy, try to deliver the message fresh and hot....can't control what they do with it after that.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Sorry to hear about your sponsee. My friends relapse was just as shocking, if not more. After being sober for about 3 years, he decided to test the odds again after experiencing what he called a 'life altering' encounter. It lasted only a couple of days, but the 'guilty associations' never seemed to subside, and I mean ever. Needless to say, he's struggling through week one, again, this time with more questions than answers. He's giving sobriety one last shot or as he says "giving it his all", but it's easier said than done. Clawing his way back from the brink of despair is hard enough, but with the same grief stricken demeanor he did back when, well, it makes it nearly impossible. But as my friend has already said: "It's better to have tried than to die a failure". Something I just happen to agree with.
I know how traumatic these experiences can be. But to think, we can somehow solve this riddle alone, is better said than done. If only we had all the answers Tasha, then it wouldn't be quite as bad. But the truth is harder than fiction. So what shall we do? Professionals would be a likely choice, such as a grief counselor or maybe even a psychologist. They could make better sense of this situation more than we could.
Your sponsee is going through some difficult times or as some would call it 'grief by association'. It may cause a lot inner turmoil not to mention some unwelcome emotions, just to name a few. So it might be in her best interest to discuss 'how she really feels' in the presence of a qualified professional instead. It just might be the remedy she so desperately needs. Some people might disagree with me while others may say 'it's just part of the grieving process' or a 'reactionary response to the loss they feel', but it shouldn't linger on forever, should it Tasha? Yes, people do grieve and yes, people still struggle before and after the ordeal, but there must come a time for them to move on before the pain gets too much to bear. And that's where the professionals come in.
So I suggest you leave the 'therapy medicine' up to them. Coping with grief is one thing, but venturing out beyond the domain of 'reasonable understanding' is something different altogether. The alcoholic part is something we need to work on ourselves, like you stated earlier: "I couldn't work through it truly, until I had worked through my addiction first" -that's something I do happen to agree with. When it comes to grief, however, it's a totally different ballgame. So in 'her' best interests, and for the good of AA, I suggest she seeks out professional help outside the recovery arena. It may be in her best interests after all. I do hope she finds a way back before it gets too late. I can only hope...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 10th of November 2012 05:19:55 PM
