Through God's grace and mercy and some daily work I am who I am today because of who I used to be. It was 25 years of on the job training and truly blessed to have been able to surrender that job ,one that had me working to get high daily to ,stay out of jail, to try and hold a relationship, a job, to parent 4 children(2 addicts,1 addict in recovery and 1 Normie), to staying out of the Mental Institution and to ensure everything was about me!!!Reminds me of a show I used to watch MY 3 SONS! only my show evolves around MY 3 LIVES, 0-11/12 pre-addiciton 12-37 THE WAR YEARS and 37-65 Freedom in my Higher Powers grace.Often reminds me of Jerome John Garcia's lyrics " What a long strange trip its been"!Can WE get an Amen.......
-- Edited by mikef on Sunday 4th of November 2012 12:46:39 PM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
The longer I'm sober, the more it becomes apparent to me that my entire 20s and half of my 30s were a hazy mess of dysfunction and alcholism. I do not regret the past, because it took what it took for me to get to where I am today, but I can't help but shake my head at how I spent such a long time half dead. Wow. I know some of you had children and other significant things that happened during your drinking. I'm not saying that's better. In fact, it's probably worse. BUT, in my case, those entire years were really full of just nothing. I had nothing forcing me to grow up (other than society and a few people that loved me). All that occured during that time was a string of messed up relationships, underpaid jobs, suffering, and running my body into the ground. That is it. What a waste of 15 years. So so so so grateful and blessed it didn't last longer than it did...but also kind of grateful in a strange way that it did last that long because now I get to experience life with a degree of enthusiasm and newness at 40 years old!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hmmm, better or worse... that's a sticky thing to figure out.
I feel the old me wanting to defend my stance as becoming a wife, mother & home owner during my drinking career, but in reality, that only happened because I had stopped drinking for a few years in the middle of my 11 yr battle.
It stings to think that I essentially used my family to try and grow me up - but in reality, I was blinded by my addiction just like everyone else in the midst of it. So in fact, I was no better or worse than anyone with this disease... it just plays out a little different for all of us... we get through certain things, do different stupid things... but it's all the same really.
I have a lot of great memories of drinking. As odd as it is today to say that, just like anything else in my life, I try and look at the good in everything. Of course being I have this disease, I can't romanticize it, or fantasize about it, but I can choose to remember the good times, drinking and not drinking during that decade. It's not as dangerous as it once was for me now, and I know the warning signs of going to far with it... because of the work in the program, I am no longer fearful of a true desire to drink anymore - the stuff if poison to me now, and I treat it as such.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I getcha. At only two years I'm noticing that too. Every couple of weeks I might look back and it hits me harder then it did the last time. As the... what's the word? ... size of the gap between the old me and the new me widens so does my understanding of just how limited my existence was. Things weren't always bad until maybe the last two to three years - I had good days, bad days and ugly days, and everything in between in those 15 years, but when I look at it now I realise that the good days were only good in relation to the bad and the ugly one's. I wasn't fully alive at any point. Now I am (or at least as fully as I can be for two years sober: I feel more alive today than last month, and more alive last month than the previous, and I have no reason not to believe that it won't continue for at least another couple of years), and I really appreciate the 'my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk' statement which I found a bit trite yet understandable early on, but I now see another layer to it like so many simple sayings and thoughts in this program.
I like your strange sort of way gratitude too. When it comes to regret about that time it's very minimal and brief because I firmly believe that things are brighter, sharper and crisper because of the contrasting dullness of that time - a 'you've got to go through hell to appreciate heaven' sort of feel to it. I also think that if I hadn't ever had a drinking problem I'd have a nice, safe and largely happy life, but that I'd be sleepwalking through it without realising it, and in a way that is impossible to me these days because I really understand just how precious these 24 sober hours are.
Thanks for that. I'd been thinking a lot about it but the thoughts weren't quite collected into a solid mass until I read your OP.
Yes indeed - my best day during any of that 11 yrs, does not compare to my worst day since making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him : )
Right oN!~
AND - it's crazy - cuz just last night I was talking with my husband for HOURS in the car after dinner (kind cool in itself - made me feel like I was recouping some lost "young time" sorta - but anyway) and I was having one of those heart pouring out connections with him - enthusiastically about the joy of having this program working bit by bit in my life, and we talked about the issues I was having with his family, and I've never ever told him flat out how mean they are to me, and how I was feeling about all this, without kind also putting a small knife in his back. As I was saying it, I realized most of it was probably my alcoholic perception, and that I would likely see it and feel it all differently now. I told him that. I got it all out, without offending him or his family, he knows how I feel, he knows I desire for this to get worked through for our families sake, and he did say he was proud of me and would stand up for me if it was called for!!!! But I doubt it will be, the thing is - I'm completely ready to find out. I'm totally confident in who I am, and what I am - which is exactly how it is suppose to be.
He told me he enjoyed the conversation, and that he felt like we got a lot cleared up - and that is a big thing for him to say something like that!
We got to share a lot of love last night - real love - and that's a miracle thanks to this program and God.
Part of that stems from knowing what BOTH your signature sayings are guys. Mark - work it cuz you're worth it - that is something I've had to repeat in my head over and over when things got tough. But now I believe it. I believe I'm loved by God, and that doesn't make me better than or worse than - just worth it. Very powerful.
And Frodo - forever I would read that little saying on your signature, and COMPLETELY NOt get it. It was soooooooo frustrating! There was just NO figuring it out - until I realized that who I am, and how I was made is exactly what it's suppose to be, and now it's up to me to take care of it - treat it kindly - respectfully - love it and in turn become the best I can be. That's what it means to me anyway - I suppose I don't know if that's what it means to you... what does it mean to yoU????
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
And Frodo - forever I would read that little saying on your signature, and COMPLETELY NOt get it. It was soooooooo frustrating! There was just NO figuring it out - until I realized that who I am, and how I was made is exactly what it's suppose to be, and now it's up to me to take care of it - treat it kindly - respectfully - love it and in turn become the best I can be. That's what it means to me anyway - I suppose I don't know if that's what it means to you... what does it mean to yoU????
If I'm an orange then there is no point trying to be the best apple I can be. It just doesn't work. I have to be the best orange I can be.
I'm an alcoholic. There is no point me trying to be best non alcoholic I can be. It won't work and it'll kill me. I have to be the best alcoholic I can be. That means doing the program that is designed for me and accepting who I am without reservations.
I heard it in rehab when I was so very messed up, but I'd just been to my first meeting so for the first time in my life I realised I wasn't unique, I wasn't alone, and there were a bunch of people out there that had walked in my shoes. I remember thinking to myself that if I was an orange then I'd better bloody well start hanging with and acting like the other oranges if I wanted to live. I also figure that I might as well be a nice, big, juicy, vitamin C packed orange if I was going to be one.
It's a reminder to me to about accepting who I am, being willing to grow within that, and it's also a sorta secret first step message to myself.
Logically, I also know I was still a social worker, therapist, helped kids, helped developmentally delayed people...even in my drinking days. I didn't do it from a place of faith and I didn't do my work as an agent of my higher power though. Towards the end, alcohol almost took my ability to work at all away.
That's kind of why I said "half-dead" existence. It wasn't all the way dead...
Still, what a nightmare. And yes Frodo, the distinction grows as your new self changes more radically from your old self.
Tasha - Excellent work with the hubby...sounds like promises in action.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Let us keep in mind that all those 'empty years' were necessary for us to become who we are 'today' ... In the end, that's the only thing that matters ... A real tragedy would be if we had continued on that path ... Let us rejoice in the knowledge that we did not end up like our friend Wanda's husband, nor like our close friend Alex, alone in our addiction to a substance that painted a false picture of life ...
I sometimes think of those empty years and feel great remorse for remaining a slave to alcohol by choice ... Living in the 'solution' means so much more to me now because of my past ... AND I am finding out that it's never too late to change while we can still take a single breath ...
We are all examples to others, by how we live life ... and I will never purpose to know or understand why God saw fit to show patience with me in recovery and not others ... I do believe others were here for the examples they could show me and for what life has to offer ... and to teach me of the results of what can happen when I don't heed His/Her signs to me ... So today I look for God's message to me in everything that's around me ... and in doing so, I find direction in my life ... We only have ONE life ... I'm trying to learn to live it wisely, thanks to those who have gone before me ... 'God rest their souls' ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
In some ways I feel like my drinking years were a sort of emotional limbo. I went through the motions of life, but there certainly wasn't an abundance of emotional maturing going on. I don't regret those years though, they make me so appreciative of the changes and growth that are happening now. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I didn't do it from a place of faith and I didn't do my work as an agent of my higher power though.
That does add colour and life to things, doesn't it? I have this real 'everything is going to be alright' feeling about anything I tackle, and I know that even if everything isn't alright, then it still is because that's the way the universe wants it to be, if that makes sense.
Anyone that has spent anytime in Australia or around Australians will probably be familiar a pretty common expression "No worries, mate. She'll be right' which gets thrown around pretty casually (lost your job? No worries. House burnt down? She'll be right. Your chooks turned into emus and kicked your dunny door down? No worries, mate. She'll be right). I say it a lot. Always have. But they were just words. Of course losing your job is a worry and a house burning down will not be right, but now... now if I do say something like that I really mean it without really thinking about it. I don't really have any worries any more, and I reckon things will be right in the end. And because of this I'm freed up to stop and smell the roses in life. All of that wasted energy that was spent fretting and worrying about fears real or imagined is now used either just enjoying the sensation of being or doing whatever it is that needs to be done.
The freedom to be able to do things to my full ability, and the faith that the result will be taken care of, adds so much pleasure to everything I do and experience.
Powerful stuff Mark. I too can have those feelings and they can be a test of how well I am working this program. Regret for lost and wasted time is not a uniquely alkie trait. In fact, it must be pretty normal to look back, having gained sobriety, and think "wow".
Reality is, I have made countless irreversible decisions and did many things that simply cannot be undone. I am not going to find any new careers, or any new riches, or any new *external* things now. It's too late. Here's something that the self-help gurus don't tell us: sometimes, it IS too late for SOME things, at least some *external* things.
SO, this is where the program comes in. It helps me to accept and be grateful for the sober NOW within, irrespective of what the outside looks like.
That's great Steve, ... 'cause in the end, it's only what's on the inside that counts ... try spending your riches after you're dead ...
What a pity it would be to live and not know love ... we learn love in the fellowship of the AA groups ... and without love, a man's life ain't worth 2 cents ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I hear you Mark. I spent an inordinate amount of time fighting this dreadful disease, not to mention all those 'wasted' years that never would amount to anything. It was the cross I had to bare just to have a little serenity.
I try not to 'rehash' any past mistakes like I would a broken record; it's just too damn embarrassing. That's why it's important to keep 'these' things in perspective just in case my perspective begins to change. And what better way than through 12 step work.
By 'doing the next right thing' we begin to see how others can benefit from our experiences, which is the beauty behind recovery. And of course, when we give back a portion of this program to the next suffering alcoholic, they in turn can enjoy 'this' sober life just as much, if not more. Thanks again for keeping it green.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 5th of November 2012 03:39:35 AM
I drank for 25 years. I just look at it as a thing I needed to do in order to get to the awesome place I'm at right now. Also, it made me a stronger person. I did things drunk and hideously hungover (ran a business, got a BS w/honors) that your average person probably couldn't get through. I don't consider those years wasted, but a journey.
hi family, great topic. i always loved the "i will be the best orange i can be" it always makes me smile. now we know how it came about for you, Frodo. my lost years started in my 20s and i just got sober almost 4 years ago. i am in my late 50s. sometimes i mourn the wasted time and the suffering. but i am grateful that i did get sober so i can enjoy my life right now. i was half dead.... did many things, had many hangovers, but kept trying to find "the thing" that would make me happy. but i had to have a drink in my hand at all times, so some things never got tried. going to school, getting new jobs, not quite sure how i made it through, but life kept on rolling me along. until i just could not stand myself anymore. then, not drinking made sense and AA entered my life. it took a long, long time for me to get sober and i cannot undo any of the horrible things that i would love to make disappear. but i do have today to do the right things and make ammends. thank you for this post. sheila
Feel the same Mark. My life was crazy. Took way too many risks, drove drunk thousands of times, often to the inner city to buy drugs in areas where people were killed nightly. Teenage years had a never ending string of clashes with the law. I never had my driver's license for more than 6 months, constantly paying off late fines and re-instatement fees to the DMV. I had so many sets of "Friends" just so I could rotate in and out of their lives, when my behavior was unacceptable, showing up 3 or 4 months later like nothing happened. I had to have a sick sense of humor so I could condone my lifestyle. But every once in awhile I'd see myself looking wasted in the bathroom mirror of a bar and this inner voice would say "you're life is ****ed up, when are going to stop?". I started drinking at age 8, and the next 20 years where a blur, like a bunch of bad horror movies edited together. Maturity never happened, I was just the scared kid trying to string together pleasurable experiences to simulate happiness. Sobriety started at the end of a marriage. Like most people I swore I'd never get married again or be in a serious relationship. Toward the end of year 1 of sobriety, I realized that this was just fear and anger taking, and that what this refugee kid from a broken home of two alcoholic parents needed the most was a healthy family life and a loving wife. A couple years later I met my current wife and best friend. 20 years later it's amazing how much of a home body I am. The contrast is incredible, as I was out on the town almost every night for 15 years.
The good news is that after some time, we change so much that our drinking history fades so much that I often feels like bad movie that happened to someone else. Every once in awhile I have a memory bubble about a drunken episode and I just shake my head and laugh at how outrageous my personality, life, and behavior was.
Lot of really good shares here! Thank you all so much!
I was getting into a memories mood about a week ago and feeling like I'd wasted so much of my life...I started drinking at 11 and learned to stay stopped at 33...until I remembered that it's not particularly healthy to go that direction. Today I can accept that everything happens for a reason...and it brought me to where I am today. After all, I've made some, what I thought, bad choices in recovery too...lol. But as the years have progressed, I've also learned to look back at the good too and I discovered that there are really some great memories in there where I made some good choices. Or maybe my higher power made them for me...who knows! All I know is that today I can honestly say that my life has been awesome, given the cards I was dealt, since I turned my will and my life over to the care of the God of my misunderstanding and realized that He had the wheel all along. How many times have the worst things turned into the best things and visa versa? Either God is everything or He is nothing...and it's all just good practice! Today is a great day to be sober!!
For me the lost time is a bitter sweet blessing. That period of screw ups has led me to the path I am on today. Had I never found this path, I may never have began to find myself. I still honestly wish I could make all the bad go away....but I know that it's there, and each time I remember it I will be reminded of how lucky I am to have today.
