Ah, the bitterness of resentments. Nice topic Roger. I can hear a resentment coming on as we speak. I'm only kidding with you Pappy. I still keep you in high regard, so don't worry yourself any. Now...about those so called resentments.
When it came to resentments, giving or receiving, I always reserved the right to harbor any resentment whenever I so choose, kind of like now. I guess it's just my 'inner' child screaming for more attention, no comments Roger. Actually, the last real resentment I had was about 5 years ago. And believe me, it stung more than anything. A so-called friend broke my anonymity, which for me really hurt. I felt, lost, betrayed and downright angry, not to mention embarrassed. So I had to ask why? Why he would do such a horrible thing? His reply: You had it coming. You're kidding, right? All that nonsense for what, a resentment he had? Wow, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How dare he treat me this way? Okay, I've gotten over that hurdle by now, but my friend, well, he went back to drinking. Now...who's laughing?
Well, not me. I only wish he would give sobriety one last chance, just for good measure. I only hope. Anyway, I've already been through enough resentments during the course of my lifetime, so why harbor them further. Unlike my many emotions, resentments don't have any real attachments, just misgivings. I can always sift through those deadly emotions to find who's at fault, but to do so without regret, hardly a possibility. That's why forgiveness is so important. It allows us to feel unified, as one, rather than splitting hairs like we once did. Only then can I my move forward, together, without reservations. Maybe we can too. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 3rd of November 2012 10:30:33 AM
Periodically, the topic of 'resentment' sneaks in to our discussions ... I felt it might be of benefit to describe just how we each handle situations that come up that can easily lead to resentment if we do not handle them properly ... it seems to me that in early sobriety, we often have trouble getting along with others and frequently develop ill feelings if not down right hatred toward them ... This, of course, will lead to 'resentment' ... and the 'by-product' of this, is ZERO 'spiritual development' (or growth) ...
When this happens, we have essentually laid our own 'trap' ... we become entangled in a web of our own making ... Speaking for myself, I found the only way to escape this trap is to work the AA steps honestly and fearlessly ... and by the time we get to step 10, we have experienced, or are experiencing, a 'spiritual enlightenment' or 'awakening' if you prefer, that allows us to treat others as we would wish ourselves to be treated ... it doesn't matter who's right nor who's wrong, we need to make our peace and let go ... entirely ... To continue to hold on to this feeling that "I'm right and you're wrong" accomplishes only one thing, misery ...
Unless we reach the point where the 9th step promises can come true for us, we will have this 'misery' following us around everywhere we go ... the promises cannot become real for us unless we 'let go completely' ... pg. 58 BB : At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
We find freedom in working the steps ... do not delay ... peace and serenity await us as our reward for living life as we should have all these years but were not ... if you've read the Big Book, you know what needs to be done, if not, read it ... free yourself from YOU ...
Love to all and God Bless,
Pappy
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well, yes, I FINALLY realize now that I'm only hurting myself in harboring these resentments. And those things or people I'm resentful at aren't things I can control or expect anything from. All I can really do - as it says in the big book - is to pray for them. In the big book it will say to pray for them for 2 weeks. I know this works, it's just I sometimes don't do it. So now I'm praying for the desire to want this to work, and a little wisdom to see what an idiot I am for thinking it's more enjoyable to hang on to it.
You're a very smart girl Tasha. Resentments are the number 1 offender when it comes to relapses and now you know why. That's why the 12 steps have such a wonderful appeal. They were designed with this in mind: "To help identify and deal with those resentments" (and many other defects) so we in turn can enjoy a more meaningful sobriety. Like you said, it can cause 'us' more pain than anyone else. That's why the big book says to "pray" and "forgive" others so we in turn can 'feel' forgiven ourselves. Basically, It's how "we come to believe".
P.S. Both the 12 steps and forgiveness is a form of "absolution" similar to the church, only with alcoholics in mind.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 2nd of November 2012 11:07:35 PM
The most important tool to use to be rid of resentments, 'forgiveness' ... I can't believe I posted my thoughts above with every intent on that being one of the keys to reaching out for the 'promises' and I didn't even mention it ... thanks for covering for me ...
Yes indeed, I have had resentments and would spend a great deal of time trying to figure out just how to 'get-back' at someone ... but it's like they say, when you have resentments, it's like picking up a red hot piece of coal and tossing it at someone, you're the one getting burned ...
Thanks man for helping this first post here make sense ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well, yes, I FINALLY realize now that I'm only hurting myself in harboring these resentments. And those things or people I'm resentful at aren't things I can control or expect anything from. All I can really do - as it says in the big book - is to pray for them. In the big book it will say to pray for them for 2 weeks. I know this works, it's just I sometimes don't do it. So now I'm praying for the desire to want this to work, and a little wisdom to see what an idiot I am for thinking it's more enjoyable to hang on to it.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
My best defense against resentments are remembering everyone is a bit sick in their own fashion and remembering I am not the center of the universe. When I start to see how ridiculous my thinking is, how misguided, I am able to get out of myself and see things more objectively.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Ahhh, resentments are something we all need to learn to deal with and we need to refresh our desire to keep them in check ... I feel this is great for everyone, like doing step 10 so they don't fly out of control ...
Sometimes when we come to AA we're so sick that some of us actually seem to like holding on to our resentments ... else, what do we have to complain about ? ... this subject wasn't for any one person, it was for us all to review, to keep in the forefront of our minds ... life is so less complicated when we remove the hate from our hearts ... let the healing begin ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I remember learning early in the program about resentments and how they are the #1 offender and that we must be free of them. I realized I had many and started praying about them and working to let go of them even before I did my 4th and 5th.
Early on, I did pray for those I thought offended me as the book suggested. Today I just work hard to give them to God and to let go, and get out of self. I try to look at the big picture and be grateful that today, thanks to God and AA, I have some character and can live in accordance with my values.
If I really got what I deserve where would I be? There are people dead or in jail for long periods of time who just where not as fortunate as myself...How can I really be resentful at some of the little stuff that comes along?
There are some sick and selfish people in the world. Money and the need for security especially can bring about strange behaviour in people without a design for living.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Great topic Pappy. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. I learned a lot about resentment when in early sobriety. At only a few weeks sober I was 13th stepped. I didn't know it but I was just one in a long line as it turned out. It only lasted a few weeks before I was kicked out, but here were quite serious issues that came out of the deal.
Nearly all that happened was out of my control, and each time I dealt with one resentment, something else happened and another one cropped up. I was absolutely committed to sobriety and working the steps and had begun work on step 9, and I believe it was for this reason that drinking never came up as an option. That problem seemed to have been removed. However I was worried that this thing would get between me and AA, and I knew that would be fatal for me.
My sponsor was not one to advise on relationships. In fact as I loook back I have come to realise that he made his main job to help get me connected to a power greater than myself, that would solve all my problems. So prayer was what he suggested and that was what I tried and tried, to no avail, or so I thought. I guess the old "faith without works is dead" kicked in about here because I discovered that prayer with out action doesn't always save the day. It eventually came to me through prayer that I had a part in this thing, innocent little newcomer that i was, I began to see that even though I thought I had only the best intentions, I leaped into this relationship for all the wrong reasons.
Driven by instincts, just about the most selfish way to be, I had been very much in the wrong. Through prayer I came to realise that the only thing to do was to make amends, admit my wrongs to her, and ask forgiveness. This I did, not without some trepidation, and it saved my life. I was immediately freed of the resentment and have had no problem being in the same room with her ever since.
Life today throws up irritating moments that could turn into resenments, but I have this little prayer 'God, please take these stupid thoughts away" that seems to work and is second nature to me now. The usual result is I quickly see what is happening and can see the funny side. Rule 62 is often applicable.
Today I found my mind wandering towards resentments instead of listening in a meeting. I brought myself back to the present. I need help with letting go of resentments, but I was happy at least for today that I could move them out of my mind. Before starting my other program I would have probably stayed in my head thinking that everything going on up there was more important that what was going on in the room.
Thanks everyone for your comments ... what a mountain lode of knowledge and wisdom here ... this is a prime example of why it takes all of us helping each other to bring to mind with such powerful impact, the true spirit of recovery ... thanks Tasha, Vixen, Mr. David, Rob, and MikeH (Fyne Spirit) ... love you guys ... and those to follow!
God Bless,
P.S. Still praying for the victims of Sandy ... may they be granted the spirit to endure their own recovery ... and be stronger because of it!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I like to think I don't have resentments that much or am not as vulnerable, but that's just not true. How I handle the resentments depends on who they are against and how intense the resentment is. If the resentment is red hot, I need to detach and get away from that person or thing before I do something I regret later. Distance and not having the resentment in my face are good tools. For example, if my best friend steals from me, I am not going to immediately start praying and forgiving. I need distance and detachment.
Nowadays, I'm more able to see my part in resentments so the situation where I am just a straight up victim like above is actually very rare. I generally try to befriend the enemy and that is a quick way to let resentments die. I guess I throw love at the resentment and about 80 percent of the time, that kills the resentment. There have only been a handful of times where a person was just a super jerk (sounds judgmental I know) but even after I would apologize, own my part, try and let go of resentment, the person would tread on me in the same way over and over. In those cases, again, I had to detach and get away. One situation was with a boss - I had to get a new job. The other was with my partner's ex-boyfriend and that ended in a screaming match so bad that I almost beat the crap out of him. I did not handle those resentments too well as I tried to pray, get along with those persons, forgive them...all the things we learn in AA and none of them worked. I really needed to get away from both of them and I hope in the future I learn that and do it quicker.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Over the sober years, I've been able to let go of every resentment except one against my sister and her husband. I have distanced myself from them because I am sick of getting screwed over again and again and again. I have looked at my part in it, and I don't have one. My brother in law is mentally ill and refuses to get treatment, he has also been a dry drunk for 20 years. Why my sister stays with him, I gave up trying to understand; it's not my business. So I'm cordial to my sister when I run into her at family functions (he never has any contact with our family), but it breaks my heart that I can't be friends with her as things stand now. She did something really terrible to me last year, and I spoke to her like an adult and asked her why she did it, and if she could apologize to me. She refused. It's hard for me to forgive and and turn the other cheek when it always gets slapped. Maybe she'll snap out of it someday.
When I was early in my recovery there was no dealing with resentments I carried them for weeks, months, and perhaps longer. It took working the steps and learning how resentments and anger would decrease my serenity. How I cherished my serenity. Just not enough to work on the resentments in a healthy way. But after time in the program I have learned how to deal with resentments and accept people for who and what they are, acceptance is the key.
Being an addict I don't like anyone controlling me. And that I realized is what others are doing when I let them have room in my head for a resentment. They are controlling my thoughts and mood. Being the stubborn addict that I am I had to put a stop to that so I forgave them. It wasn't easy at first but it gets easier. I look at them as has been mentioned in other replies that they are sick too. They have their own issues and sometimes their issues affect me. Then it is up to me to deal with it. I can talk to them in a nonjudgmental way, pray for them, or just let it go.
After a few 24 hrs in the program I have learned the best way to deal with a resentment is to not let it begin. And how do I do that you ask. No expectations on anyone. Expectations are the root of resentments. Whenever I expected something of someone and it didn't happen the seed of resentment was planted. And I am sooo good at tending to that little seed, I fertilize it very well with lots of my own BS - great fertilizer for a resentment. I make sure I give it lots of attention think of it often and it grows and grows until there is no seed left. Most times I dont even know what the seed was that was planted. Now I have this huge extremely ugly thing that I have nourished and tended so that I don't remember what it was that started the process. The "fertilizer I add changes what was probably a small thing into a huge thing.
Ahhhh, Dan B, From one who loved an addicted, who tried desperately to point out HIS problem and resented him for leaving our marriage, leaving me with 3 children to get through all the emotions and with no money (he withdrew all from our joint acct. and reopened one in his name only) I know too well that this is a problem for us, the 'sobers' (for lacking whatelse to call myself), as well. I know when I began to become completely honest with this emotion, I began the process of forgiveness and true love. It WAS HIS PROBLEM of which I had to accept he had to be allowed to make choices for himself regardless the outcome. Resentment is the hardest of emotions to scquelsh. Prayers, prayers and more prayers to God. It felt like forever, but eventually it (letting go) came leaving me much happier! You are correct the steps have to worked! It is the very reason I have returned to this site! To share that all those emotions struggles, failures, ect were NO different from yours just because I do not drink! Respectively, we have to work our indiviual programs......otherwise we go deeper and deeper down in that sea of misery. In my case, trying to cope with his death. Trying to keep the resentment at bay and trying to garner strength from the posts. We ARE in this togethor!!!!! This is just what I needed to reinforce the prayers and review of the steps. Thanks for this!!!
I deal with me...ASAP! The program has taught me that in order to live free and happy, I must be rid of the resentments and the only way to be rid of them is to deal with them. Thank goodness that it's just one day at a time and one resentment at a times these days! It's so much easier to keep up than to catch up!! So I ask myself...what's the problem...once I notice that my life is becoming unmanageable. Do I have power over it? Nope. Who's in charge? Hmmm, not me. Ok, what about me? EEEk...step 4...and what is it that I am afraid of? (That's always a big question) Admit my resentment and fears. Became entirely willing to let go and Humbly ask for higher help. I make the list and make amends...that hopefully didn't go too far! Usually it's gone by then...Amen...then I continue, improve, and practice! After all...it's all just good practice! Oh...and sometimes you have to make a choice...and make amends to yourself. Thanks for letting me share!
-- Edited by Picaposie on Thursday 8th of November 2012 01:16:49 PM
