At a party with my daughter. Didn't realize there would be alcohol. Duh. So not easy. I don't feel like I can even talk to anyone. I just stayed in the bathroom for a while. My daughter is running around having a great time. For that I am grateful but I just want to go home. I feel paralyzed here.
Stick with us and the program of AA and one day in the near future, it won't matter that there's alcohol all around ... you'll develop the reflexes to repel from it as if from a hot flame ...
Hope you have someone to call from the meetings ... that's our best early defense from caving in to the obsession ... that and/or call your sponsor now ... talk it through ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Glad you made it home safe. It's a big threat in the beginning for us, and you did great by taking a break for yourself. I had a couple shockers throughout the past 7 months too. Once I walked downstairs to find my husband having a beer. We had been disagreeing about stuff and I thought he was drinking "at me". He wasn't.
Another time it was my dad who showed up with a 30 pack of cheap beer and stocked our cabin with it for the weekend even though we were the only ones staying there! He was only popping in, and he knew I was in recovery, and I was feeling like it was a hit against me. It wasn't.
Then the gathering for my brother getting his doctorate ended up needing me to take care of most of the prep work - including stocking an entire fridge with various beer & things. That was tough. I fled to my car and called my sponsor for that one - went for a drive to get away from the drinking for a bit. After talking with her, I was fine for the rest of the party - even with cleaning up AND pouring out the unfinished drinks! Just needed to remember that the world was still just doing what it does, and it wasn't all about me, against me, or AT ME! LOL I needed to open my eyes to where drinking wasn't happening instead of where it was. I can always look at my HP for that if there is no one else.
Happy for your progress Chaya... keep us posted!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I don't think I'd have passed the test you just described in my early recovery ... I was fairly removed from alcohol except when passing by a liquor store or convenience store ... you having alone, hands on time, by stocking and cleaning up the stuff, without drinking, is amazing ... this makes me remember the many times we had 'pool parties' over at our house and me cleaning up late evening and I would finish drinking any unfinished drinks ... Nope, I couldn't bare the thought that I was pouring it out ... I know, that's sick ... but true never-the-less ...
I have a whole new admiration for you ... that took working a strong program and sticking to your convictions in a way I don't think I could have done ... Kudos to you ... keep up the great work you do ... your actions and your stories are having a great positive influence on me, and for that, I am grateful ... Bless You ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Happy w/o being drunk is crazy, b/c I was so miserable being drunk, yet it is still hard to think it is forever. Or needs to be forever. I'm not making any promises.
We make no promises here ... we simply try not to drink for today ... surely I can go one day without a drink ... tomorrow will take care of itself ... today is all I can handle ...
Chaya said ... At one point I thought,well what the heck...I can just drink tonight and then start over again tomorrow.
That is something we call 'stinkin' thinkin' ... can't tell you how many times I thought the same thing ... then you wake up and it's years later and still having the same thoughts ... then I found AA and those thoughts slowly went away ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 2nd of November 2012 08:23:36 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The availability of alcohol never stopped me from having a drink when I was drinking. I would buy 1/2 gallons by the case and keep them in the garage most of the time for convenience, but if I ran out, I would just go up to one of my neighbor's houses and "borrow" some booze. I still have alcohol in my house, always have. I really don't even think about it much anymore. I know this is a big touchy subject in AA, and most people keep a booze free home, but when I was done, I was really done.
Glad to hear you made it home safe and sound. Isn't it nice to leave a party, or any place and drive sober home? I've noticed when driving at night I am worried about drunk drivers. It is laughable...ME being scared of THEM. It's nice to not put on the "cruise control" and try to stay within the lines. Some nights there were many, many lines I was seeing. Lucky for society, I am a closet drunk, so mostly I just drove to the nearest convience store and back home again. I left my debit card at the nearest place. The next time I went in they handed it to me. That is a wake up call. When the local liquor store knows you and your debit card, it is a sad day.
It is so nice to come here and read other people's words...and think they can read my mind. Pappy, I could never believe that someone would leave a half-beer sitting there. WTF is wrong with them! What a waste of money and drink. JustADrunk-your response that you need to see where drinking isn't happening instead of where it is happening...that hit me hard. I had more of that focus previously, but I've lost it lately. Lately I've felt like I am the one watching as life passed by...Just a sober drunk. Not drinking, but still just a drunk (no relation to your name!) Like the lonely girl staring out the window watching everyone else have a good time. I didn't think of that consciounsely (good god I cannot spell that word) but you put my thoughts in words, and reminded me there is a whole big, sober world out there. And apparently, they are happy. Happy w/o being drunk is crazy, b/c I was so miserable being drunk, yet it is still hard to think it is forever. Or needs to be forever. I'm not making any promises.
Well, what was important for me last night was to experience my reaction to seeing alcohol. I have been going back and forth...am I really an alcoholic? Well, I don't know, but I do know that i really surprised myself last night. At one point I thought, well what the heck...I can just drink tonight and then start over again tomorrow. I was obsessing over it so much. Then, last night I dreamt that CPS took my daughter from me because I was "a bad mother." It was such an awful, realistic dream. I was reading that little AA prayer card in my car right now. You know that part about not feeling useless and having self-pity anymore? I can't wait. Thank you to everyone for the support. Love, Chaya
Well done. Personally I keep a booze free home. I still find some alcohol situations difficult socially and a few months ago, my son left a crate of wine in the house. I had it removed to a safer environment and politely told him that I did not keep alcohol in my home. To be frank, I was never comfortable with alcohol as I grew up in an alcoholic home and the cooking sherry coming out always signalled that bad feeling in my tummy. It also signalled drama, going hungry, being neglected; all the things I ended up doing in my own creation of an alcoholic home so there is no judgement here, just gratitude that it does not have to be like that today. Thanks for posting and good stuff for getting home safe.
I have beer in my fridge right now and liquor in the liqour cabinet. People give this stuff to us at our parties and it never gets drank cuz both me and my partner don't drink. It just hit me how ironic (and bad I guess) it is to have so much alcohol around me.
In my first year or 2, I really did think of alcohol as total poison and kept distance from it as much as I could. It made me uncomfortable when my family was drinking wine at dinner at family get togethers. It took a while to really cement in my mind that alcohol could not harm me if I didn't drink it and there were some complex actions involved in pouring it, putting it to my lips, and swallowing. I avoided all bars, and most parties for a good while. I only went to sober parties and such at the clubhouse or at friends' houses who were in the program. I lived in an AA bubble til I felt it was safe enough to come out and stay sober.
What you are describing is normal for 4 days sober though.
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