So here I am sober,again. Don't know how many times I have to keep repeating this step over and over again! Sober for 5 years. Drank for 10 yrs. Sober for 2 yrs. Been drinking for 9 mnths and I must say I am just as bad as I ever was even though I tried to control it. Everytime I run to the liquor store to get that bottle I say to myself "okay this is the last one" but of course it's not. Don't know how to explain it, after I buy that bottle and I am on my way home I feel safe. Sounds weird, huh? I can't tell you the degree of self-hatred I am feeling right now. I am embarrassed to say I feel no better than the trash blowing around on the streets. So! I am 24 hrs sober. I'm scared. I feel alone. Can't talk to my family and friends. I was surprised and pleased to see AA online. Glad to have found this forum.
Maureen, Welcome! I'm glad you posted and hope you become one of the regulars around here. It takes a lot of internal fortitude to come back. Ultimately, we all just have 24 hours and what you are doing now is crucial in putting the brakes on the disease killing you. Alcoholism is our enemy. This is true for all of us. None of us is in a position to judge you. You might have shame and feel scared and alone, but you are not alone and, presuming you've been to AA before, you must know that you are not the only person to experience relapse (even after accumulating some lengthy sober time). As they say...put the bat away and get busy on getting better.
One of my good friends in AA has just 4 years sober like me. Of course he's a little different and his program is a little more advanced than mine in my perception. The reason....He was sober 22 years before a relapse. Hence, what you might see as a pattern of weakness will eventually be your experience, strength, and hope to share with others.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I used to get up in the morning and look at the mirror and start calling myself names ... I would literally curse to myself a 'blue streak' ... calling myself every name in the book, I was absolutely disgusted with me ... one of my AA friends said he'd look at the mirror and actually spit at himself ... THAT's what alcohol can do for you ... make you hate yourself and the whole world ...
I'm glad you made it back ... some of us don't ... and this time for me, after relapsing a few times, I KNEW I didn't have another relapse left ... I knew this was it ... no more 5th or 6th chances ... I KNEW I must have help to stay sober ... and through divine provenance, i found plenty of help through AA ...
Keep coming back, God bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am so grateful for the welcome. Thank-you. All of you. My head is a LITTLE bit clearer after a day at work. Yes I am familiar with AA. I attended for a short period in the mid 90s. And that is one of the problems. I have to attend on a regular basis. I realise this now.
My daughter picked me up coming out of the liquor store a few days ago. I had already been drinking but wanted to make sure I had enough to get me to that pass-out point. When she dropped me off she looked at me with a mixture of love, pity and disappointment...she said "I love you mom"...oh my, it broke my heart. I need to do this for me and my family. I don't want to die like this. Drunk.
Any body reading this that thinks they have been sober long enough that they can drink again and control it...forget it. It'll take you down the same old road twice as fast.
Thank-you again...you people are wonderful...
-- Edited by maureen on Friday 2nd of November 2012 06:48:25 AM
Welcome Maureen! Glad to have you here with us. Relapses were part of my journey. I needed each one to get to that point of surrender that's necessary for the completion of Step 1 and a foundation to build upon. For me, each relapse was more proof of my powerlessness over Alcohol.
Put the bat down. Take action. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. Without help it's too much for us. As Pinkchip said- this experience will benefit others that come in behind you, if you choose to stay sober and work The Program. When is your next meeting?
Well you have some experience to bring back! Regardless of how you feel. Thank you for seeking out a board and coming here to share what you have today!
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
Aloha Maureen...Welcome back and to the board. It's so great to have the fellowship jump up welcome us and cover our backs with their ESH. I'll add that when I learned that this was a disease...a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body I was also told that it wasn't a moral issue...it wasn't about being good or bad and about being sick...incureably unless I got totally abstinent. Work on that total abstinence...the first half of the first step...We really are powerless and alcohol doesn't have the management skills to do the second part of the 1st step. You know the program...continue to walk it. In support.
It's good to have you back Maureen. Honestly dear, I see a lot of similarities in both our stories, too similar I'm afraid. I guess alcoholism can strike twice and with very similar results mind you.
I had many unfortunate encounters with the substance known as alcohol over my 25 year addiction. I was a fall down drunk among other examples, not to mention my ongoing struggles before and after. So for awhile it was a bit rough. I had a hard time making the adjustment early on same as most people, especially when it came to sobering up.
I also had a lot on my plate besides my ongoing alcohol addiction and with very little sober experiences to go by -not to mention the mounting pressure from both my wife and her family. And I found myself lacking any significant reason why I should remain sober.
Just about everything in my life revolved around alcohol, so it became virtually impossible to make a sober connection anywhere. It did take some time, however -more time than most, but my life did eventually straighten out and so can yours. All it takes is some willingness and a great program of recovery. The rest you'll learn along the way.
I can only imagine what you're going through right about now. Some of the residual fallout can be expected; just don't give up on recovery entirely. There's still a long, long road ahead. And it can only get better with time. I only hope it gets better with each passing day. I hope. Welcome again.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 2nd of November 2012 01:09:34 PM
Ah, I was just thinking that exact same thing. Sadly I was pretty buzzed up for last year's trick or treating with my kids... not today! YEAH! Happy Halloween! Literally!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Maureen, I know other people have said this many, many times...but I could have written your post. Why are there so many alcoholics yet we feel so alone? OK, maybe not-so-funny, but when I read about you thinking you feel you are trash...I thought to myself..No, lady I am trash. You are fine.
I have anxiety issues anyway, and when I got home with my drink (beer) I too would feel safe. The saddest, hardest part is that was the safest I felt in my life. It really sucks when alcohol works--and it did. I would drink and my shoulders would relax. I felt like I could breathe. I didn't have such high anxiety. Maybe that is in part why it was so hard to give it up. But, it always bit me in the ass the next day. After drinking, my anxiety would be so high and out of control I would chew (yes, chew) my medicine. Hoping to get it into my system quicker. Sometimes that would work. Other times I would start drinkng again. Hard to break the cycle. Feel free, and please, send me messages any time. It is really nice to connect with someone who is going through the same thing. You really are not alone, only if it is just this drunk from St. Louis! I am here, and I understand. With that said--don't get me wrong. I am no picture of sobriety. I am only starting, and sometimes it is hard. OK, it really is just sometimes, but when it is hard, it is HARD.
Sorrowfloats, alcoholism CREATES those anxiety problems and then people take benzos often as a result. Sometimes the anxiety problems remain but a HUGE part of that anxiety experience is simply due to the relief of withdrawal created by being addicted in the first place. Alcohol was never working to relax you. It was working to give you anxiety and then trick you into thinking it relaxed you.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
@ sorrowfloats and pinkchip...alcohol IS tricky. a looong time ago when I managed to stay sober for 5 yrs I was robbed at the convenience store I worked at. I was about 3 yrs sober at the time. The guy roughed me up pretty good. I managed to get away and ran next door for help. The place I ran to was a bar. They called the police and then offered to pour me a drink...anything I wanted...on the house lol. Didn't even have to think twice I asked for a tea lol. Yet right now there are moments when I feel I can't live without it which I know must be a trick of the mind. Alcohol is like the divil himself. I try to keep this story in mind every day cuz if I can make it through that and just want a cuppa to calm me then I can do this. :)
Maureen, I know other people have said this many, many times...but I could have written your post. Why are there so many alcoholics yet we feel so alone? OK, maybe not-so-funny, but when I read about you thinking you feel you are trash...I thought to myself..No, lady I am trash. You are fine.
I have anxiety issues anyway, and when I got home with my drink (beer) I too would feel safe. The saddest, hardest part is that was the safest I felt in my life. It really sucks when alcohol works--and it did. I would drink and my shoulders would relax. I felt like I could breathe. I didn't have such high anxiety. Maybe that is in part why it was so hard to give it up. But, it always bit me in the ass the next day. After drinking, my anxiety would be so high and out of control I would chew (yes, chew) my medicine. Hoping to get it into my system quicker. Sometimes that would work. Other times I would start drinkng again. Hard to break the cycle. Feel free, and please, send me messages any time. It is really nice to connect with someone who is going through the same thing. You really are not alone, only if it is just this drunk from St. Louis! I am here, and I understand. With that said--don't get me wrong. I am no picture of sobriety. I am only starting, and sometimes it is hard. OK, it really is just sometimes, but when it is hard, it is HARD.
sorrowfloats...we can do this. We might be far apart in miles but in spirit we are connected.
