If you had a longtime close friend whom you loved and cared about, and you sort of knew and admired his parents as well and they had been kind to you a few times, and one day your friend called you and told you that he was basically being emotionally abused by his parents from a young age and it was still going on, and this friend was upset, alone, and needed some support in making some decisions about how to move forward with his life, and you could see that what he was saying was probably true, how would you feel about that and how would you respond, given that this was new information about his parents to you?
-- Edited by odat on Tuesday 30th of October 2012 05:05:31 PM
Does it really matter how someone else feels, or might respond? Maybe what really matters is how you feel, and what you are struggling with regarding a possible response. Maybe seeking to work through your own thoughts and feelings and options for responding would be more helpful to yourself and your friend??
This is definitely a tricky situation.I am definitely no counsellor or shrink but I would first do what you did ,be emotional support for your friend.From there it gets sticky.For me,I would probably suggest to my friend to approach his parents in a more serene time frame or place and to tell them how he feels about what he is deeming 'emotional abuse"At least he will have made the effort and it may or may not get resolved. Maybe suggest the person to speak with a school counsellor or therapist or someone close in the family(I know very difficult)Depending on the age of the person(not sure about the aga),other scenarios may be available,leaving the situation,moving ???we have to be very careful in getting involved in others family affairs unless it could be a physical harmful situation.Not saying Emotional abuse isnt serious just little harder from a legal standpoint to prove.... I might take a look at the BB and sit with your friend and read pgs122-135 THE FAMILY AFTERWARD and subsitute the emotional abusive familyas the alcoholic and your friend as the family.Just saying..?..all I can definitely say is I will lift you all up in prayer and wish you peace........Guard your own recovery and allow the God of your understanding to be your guide.....Pray for all...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I'd refer him to Melody Beatty's literature, John Bradshaw's literature, and show him/her where to find CODA meetings, suggest therapy, then wash my hands of the subject because I'm easily led co-dependent myself, what I've learned is if I am trying to make someone else feel better what I am really trying to do is make myself feel better, I am trying to fix my pain at their pain, I'm trying to fix me by fixing them.
If someone brings something up 3 times but hasn't sought solution, they don't want solution, they want someone to co-sign their bullshit. (I'm not saying this person has done this, I am saying this is a general observation)
I learned the hard way just like we carry the message not the alcoholic, we show someone where solution is, then we let go.
Just as you will do what you are going to do with this information no matter what I say, your friend will do what (s)he will do with the information you give them, and the more enmeshed you become the unhealthier you will get.
Pass the information on then Let Go and Let God. Leeu nailed it by the way.
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Good shares here already ... I was just going to say remain friends with him but stay out of others families business ... unless that's your profession ... cause even though you've known him a while, there are still two side to the story ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I'm not a counselor or a therapist or anything....Oh wait. As if that qualifies me to know any better than anyone else. I've heard more wisdom at a backwoods meeting from a farmer with long term sobriety than many of my therapist coworkers lol...and I guess that includes me.
ODAT, I think you can look at your friend and see his world, empathize and be a sounding board for him and he can go in whatever direction from there. My sisters and I had the same parents, yet all of us are very different. I experience problems with them that they did not and do not. The same is true vice versa.
Your friends parents probably didn't mean for this to happen. It's a dynamic that just occurred. If you want to help your friend, I guess the best way is to just be yourself and wear your program "like a loose garment" like they say. You would probably do lots of praying and work on forgiveness and then taking new action utilizing your spirtual tools. Hence, I suspect that is the best thing you can describe and model for your friend.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Sometimes when we ask people for anything at all, they will use it as an opportunity to be a--holes. Those are people to run from! Only people with a spiritual solution to offer can answer appropriately (however brief the answer is). They never feel the need to take from another.
Yes, as Dean so eloquently puts it "shit happens". I have been known to run from the stench as well ; )
I've been praying/meditating on a particular situation that "stinks" to me--- with my in laws. I've been praying to WANT a spiritual solution. Some insight arrived as I read your post, and realized for sure, that all people are exactly how they are suppose to be. All people/places/things are my inspiration and teachers. In believing that, I need not run from anyone anymore. I don't have to be afraid to discover the gifts of today. I know that my HP is good, and the plan is big, and where I am is where I am suppose to be. It can inspire curiosity, tolerance, empathy, wonder, love, (did I say tolerance?), humility and everything else that God is... but my God doesn't run or hide. That is not his example for my life, so I know that is not what I'm looking to grow towards, and I do wish to grow today toward His loving example.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 1st of November 2012 12:23:45 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Yes. If someone came to me with this I would know exactly how to handle it of course, having been through the 12 steps as laid out in the Big Book, it's simple intuition. I asked for your experience because I watched this tear apart a friendship recently where the person who was approached had no solution to offer and also tried to "shame" the person asking for help in his vulnerable state. I simply told the person who was asking his friend for help to trust himself. I could see that his "friend" was not really a friend but of course it is not my place to tell him that.
Sometimes when we ask people for anything at all, they will use it as an opportunity to be a--holes. Those are people to run from! Only people with a spiritual solution to offer can answer appropriately (however brief the answer is). They never feel the need to take from another.
I don't know Odat...I like to think most people are good. Usually when I actually go up to someone and start talking to them, my preconceptions fall away, even if I've seen them act like an A-hole before. I kind of think that if I can get over myself and actually talk to a person and see where they are coming from, most times I can see that person's spirit through whatever front they might be putting up and then they are just another person struggling like I am.
Of course this does not mean I'm going to go out of my way to befriend people that act like A-holes though. (And I also know I act like an A-hole too sometimes). LOL.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
If you had a longtime close friend whom you loved and cared about, and you sort of knew and admired his parents as well and they had been kind to you a few times, and one day your friend called you and told you that he was basically being emotionally abused by his parents from a young age and it was still going on, and this friend was upset, alone, and needed some support in making some decisions about how to move forward with his life, and you could see that what he was saying was probably true, how would you feel about that and how would you respond, given that this was new information about his parents to you?
-- Edited by odat on Tuesday 30th of October 2012 05:05:31 PM
I would move on, regardless. Or at least allow yourself 'not' to be intimidated to begin with. Like a famous philosopher once said: "No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them too". So don't, period. It's time for him/her to move on. Enough said...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 3rd of November 2012 11:12:59 AM
