I'm still not ready to face my husbands family... 7 months now since he told them of my secret alcohol addiction.  I skipped another family gathering today.

I explained to my husband that I'm working on this, for our family, because I want us, and him and the kids all to have a normal family experience where Mom and Dad both go to Christmas.  But for now, I still feel it's too soon.  I sure wish it wasn't.  My 6 yr old asked me why I wasn't going today - and I promised I'd go next time.  I didn't know the answer, and I immediately suspected I just told him a lie.

So yes, what they think of me is their business today... but the knot in my gut wont come undone - and I ask my HP continually  - the serenity prayer - I try and let it sink in, but here I sit.

First of all, there is always tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up for hiding today. If everyone stayed where they were today none of us would grow.

Second, I've been a hider (and a runner) for most of my life. It was a product of (VERY false) shame. We never have to feel ashamed of who we are. Look what you're doing with your life.

I also can tend to think I am on everyone's minds to a larger extent than I really am. In this way, I put the focus on myself - I do it to myself. Then I wonder why people seem curious. "What's she hiding from?" No need to hide. Walk through these fears one by one when you can, and look at the power you really do have.

Now aren't you excited for the next opportunity???!!!!

Picture how it would be if you went into a family event with a big "shrug" about it. "Yeah. I got sober. It's pretty good". SHRUG. End of story.

We don't have to share our lives with others but eventually family does usually tend to know we're in recovery. No biggie. Courage, my friend. It will come in time.  Also, if you're home not feeling good, try reading Working with Others in the Big Book. Not only does it take me out of myself, but it has instructions for going to places with alcoohol (or the like). And it is very freeing.

Enjoy the rest of the day. Don't waste it thinking you didn't grow!

In support and prayer! 

Hey Tasha, ...

My concern initially was the reply you gave to your son ... 'I promise to go next time' ... I DO understand that your sobriety comes 1st,
cause without it we waste away and die ... and perhaps it IS a little too soon to confront those demons ... your in-laws sound like a
'piece of work' ... let them masquerade if they must, but we should not allow them to control us by doing so ...

As you grow in living the principles of the program, you'll be better armed to fend off the negative energy there when it comes ... we
strive to shield ourselves from anger and dislike for others, family or not ... we learn that they don't have any influence over us unless
we give them that power ...

I have a very strong feeling that your sober-foundation is set upon good 'bedrock' and will remain solid ... even through the storms
that will try to shake your resolve ...

One more thing, even though you dislike your in-laws, it doesn't mean you shouldn't 'give them the "Time of day" when it's what they
deserve' ... cause it shouldn't be up to us to judge ... we should treat others as we wish to be treated and if they have a problem with
us, then that's their problem ... you shouldn't feel the least bit worried about what they think nor how they act ... just be who you are ...

if they chose to look down on you, let'em ... your secret then is your sober lifestyle that they can't see ... (just never ever be boastful)

With Love Always,
Pappy

So Tasha, you didn't face the in-laws this time around? That's okay dear, there's always tomorrow. You still have more time to make that commitment happen. I only hope there as committed as you are. 

Just remember dear: The doors to victory swing both ways, if you/they haven't already heard. That's why they have hinges on them just in case you've forgotten, kind of like relationships. It shouldn't hinge on feelings alone, but it should be built on trust also. Trusting in you Tasha to make the right decision, which you currently are. You are in recovery dear and that should be a sign of trust, mutually speaking of course. If they haven't gained that trust yet, they will. Time will always prove victorious, just as long as we continue on with our sober path. That's something we can't change, regardless.  

We can't change how other people view us either. But we can change how we react to them. It's just part of our genetic makeup I guess. Maybe there is a compelling reason behind your sudden lack of involvement, or maybe you're not up to it, just yet. However, unclear those motives may be. Just remember this Tasha; you're still sober and grateful. The rest is in a category of its own, kind of like my last escapade.

I filed that under the not so infamous heading: What the heck was I thinking? It was the day my in-laws were coming over for a visit. So, I thought it would be a good idea to...hide. Believe me, you're not the first one to try this. And probably not the last either. So what happened? My mother in-law eventually found out, which in turn caused a lot of friction. Then, she asked me point blank: Why are you avoiding me? I replied, not you dear, but my own trepidations. She said: It's okay David, we're still behind you 100%. We're ready when you are. Wow, what a relief that was. So, from that point on I made a conscious choice not to avoid them any longer. I only hope it turns out differently for you the next time around, I hope.

Her acknowledgement provided me with a true sense of relief, while allowing me to explore those helpful confines without any further damage. Something I learned all too well. It may not always be that genuine, however. That's why we should make inquires about our in-laws when we don't attend, so we're not surprised by their future reactions when our time does eventually come -and not for retaliatory purposes either, just as a precautionary measure. Remember: We should always steer clear of any or all unjust circumstances at least until we're ready -just like the in-law saga. It's the only sober decision that makes any real sense, if only for today. Thanks again for keeping it real.

-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 2nd of November 2012 04:32:53 AM

justadrunk wrote:

---

I just don't get it. Why would I continually give people my time when they are mean to me. How is that boasting? Why would I treat them like anything? I would normally just not be around these people if I didn't feel that I SHOULD for my kids and my husband. Being deserving of me is a harsh way of putting it, and I don't know how else to explain it.

---

 What I was trying to say at the end of my above post, is that if and/or when you are in the presence of your in-laws and you are living your program properly, then be careful of making a big deal out of your sobriety as you know we only have a daily reprieve from drinking, not the cure ... so if you are an example of good recovery, one day at a time, then they should be able to see that being an alcoholic will become a 'non-issue' for them  ... what you do is take away their ammunition to fire at you and soon enough they'll be firing blanks ... sure, they may make a lot of noise, but they can't hurt you ... 

I am not saying to put yourself in an uncomfortable position on purpose ... I am saying that when the principles are in use, then no-one no-where can hurt you but you ... of course you don't have to become a doormat, and I would think that if your husband saw verbal abuse getting out of hand, he'd remove you from that situation on his own ... after all, a husband is instructed to leave his parents and cling to his wife ... so I feel he should pick up the ball when the situation calls for it ... you both should work together on this problem when possible ... actually I'd be interested in his position on this situation ... cause if he isn't supporting your recovery, then we have a whole new 'ball game' ... 

Seriously, I don't care to become involved in family matters unless someone asks ... even then it can get messy ... I think it best to just concentrate on our individual recovery programs and let others be whoever they turn out to be ... 

 

With Love in my heart,

Pappy

Hi Tashia,

I was thinking along the lines of what Mike wrote above. It sounds like a complex situation. Sometimes we just have to give time time. Continue the good work, being the best AA member, mother, wife, teacher you can be.

If you where my wife, I wouldn't tolerate my family/parents not treating my wife properly. Maybe they intimidate him also.

Anyway, the right answers will come.  From what I see,  I wouldn't say you where hiding,  maybe it's the best decision based on how you currently feel.

Tasha, I suspect that if you continue working your program as you have, the answers to this will all unfold. People that used to make me the butt of their jokes now scratch their heads and go "Wow, you are different now!" They never meant to be haters or be evil to me. I think I taught them to treat me like that through my own self-deprecating comments and jokes and accepting the victim role. I was a collossal complainer and the worse Debbie Downer in creation (not saying you are). People latched on to that and treated me accordingly.

Now....when I had a spiritual awakening, I slowly started to change and I carry myself differently now and I wear my recovery n everything. I have an attitude that I deserve the best and I will go after the best for myself. People do not try me nearly as much because I have boundaries, I don't present myself as feeling sorry for myself, and I don't have the energy or time to absorb crap. I met my current in-laws when I had just over 2 years sober. My partner told me that they never liked any of his boyfriends before. Not sure if it was because of him being gay...them being from alabama...those former boyfriends being arseholes...
My attitude was "Well, they are going to like me" because there's nothing not to like about me. If they didn't like me, they would have some issues and I guess I would pull away like you are describing. My mother in law showed me her gun collection within 5 minutes of meeting her. LOL. The subtle message being that she would shoot me if I didn't act right. Well...guess what? Turns out I am the first partner of his that they actually love....not just like. I think it's because they see I am good for their son and they love him.

Your relationship with your kids and husband is radically changing as you change. Your inlaws are going to see that eventually. Now that you are sober, you are no longer some over emotional cry baby that can be the butt of people's jokes. That dynamic is not going to work for them. It might not happen right away....but if you keep working your program, it will happen. Even if it doesn't, you are going to wind up not caring because your sobriety will encompass your self-esteem and disapproval from them won't matter so much.

Tahsa, aside from your children...You have to really think about your husband. It's worth a conversation and ongoing 8th and 9th step work. His family produced him and he knows nothing else. That is not his fault. They sound like they are the type that ignores conflict, but gossip and blow it up behind the scenes. What kind of person would want to be in a family that doesn't actually talk about issues to their face. Um....an alcoholic who is trying to hide their problems and who is shame filled that's who. Your husband comes from an enabling background....to ignore and/or deny your issues and then squawk like a chicken and not know how to handle them when things are messy. That's HIS upbringing and HIS dynamic. You chose to be part of that because you needed the enabling as an active drunk. That was your role in it. It's going to take him time to know what to do with a healthy wife. It will take them even more time to know what to do with a healthy in-law.

Like all of this sobriety journey...it's painful to reinvent yourself in the world and in systems where you have been stuck being one way for so long....the pressure is to just go back to being the way you were, but you cannot do that. That same person will drink again. There's a few AA acronyms for FEAR. In this instance "Face Everything and Recover" would seem a good motto. You had a part in this dynamic. You chose elements of it and elicited elements of it. It's going to change but you have to step out of your comfort zone. It will happen eventually. Read the promises. Situations that used to baffle you...This would fall under that category.

So relax...just keep doing the work you are doing and it will unfold. It doesn't have to happen today, this month, or this year, but it will happen as long as you stick to your recovery. Right now you are like a butterfly emerging from a coccoon. It's beautiful but the wings are wet and it's sort of scared to fly in some ways. That's an okay place to be for now.

Hi,
I made a commitment to my wife when I married her. Not to her family. My wife made a commitment to me. Not my family.
That was in 1971. Those commitments have served us well.

Our three daughters did just fine without all the in-laws influence and interaction, from either side.
There is a powerful Love in our small clan.

Just my experience.
Baby steps are good.
Toad

Wow - Mark - that was A - MAZing! I had to come back and read that one again to let it sink in. My part in it - I didn't search for that, and I didn't think to do it, and I don't think I would have come up with that. That comment is worth more than gold can buy for me. So thank you a million times thank you.

And to EVERYONE here - your support and words are amazing and I could just burst with adoration. Thank you ALL so much.

Great clip Tom, ... loved it ... LMAO

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Thank you Tom - I loved that show. That's one of my all time favorites but I haven't seen it for years. Funny how it applies - only, in this particular situation I could have said a million times - BUT BUT BUT... THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MEAN TO ME, AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY VERY BEST TO THEM! I suppose that's what hurts the most. I have been true to me, who I am, kind and never tried to be anything different to get them to like me, but they just don't like me. They think I'm weird, well no - they argue more that it's stupid to waste the money on organic or locally grown food, they think teaching music to small children and autistic children is a complete waste of time and laugh at it as if I teach music to donkeys - they think my home made gifts are 'funny' and roll their eyes. When I let my younger sister in law know that I thought her son had autism when he was 8 months old, the whole family then turned against me. It became more and more obvious over the course of the next few years, to the point where I felt I should turn them in for neglect when they were still ignoring me - and it wasn't until his first day of school this year did he finally get diagnosed and helped. He's doing great by the way - but I know what a difference it makes if they can be diagnosed and get help early - just like with anything, so I feel almost guilty and neglectful myself here.

UHHHG - there is just so much. The pile is huge and I just can't climb over it to get to the other side.

OKay - wait - yes I can... but I'm too scared too.

I have given up on that situation for the past 7 months. It's just all too much. I have enough on my plate just digging through recovery as best I can... each and every day.... right?

I suppose I should just continue being kind even when they are not... my Mother would always say to me "it's their loss". I don't know if that's exactly right, because I'm sure they are fine people when they want to be, and it really is a loss, but I'm sure my HP has a growth opportunity for me here... and I can ACCEPT that.

I'm hearing a lot of "they think" this and "they think" that. You don't know that for sure. Sounds like a fat resentment. You don't have to like them, but don't give them so much power. It will take some serious reprogramming and all your program tools to release this resentment. It's sounds like it runs pretty deep. When you feel really good about yourself and your recovery, you will show up at that next gathering with a freshly made organic treat, a home-made centerpiece and a giant smile and they can all suck it. LOL. You belong there because you love your husband and children and if annoyed by them, turn your attention to them (your husband and kids) because they are all that mattters that much anyhow.

I have spent my life going "they think" this and "they think" that....."It's because I'm gay"...it's because "I'm more sensitive than all of them". If you think your martyr complex is bad. People in meetings even told me "Get off that cross Mary! We need the wood!" Like I said months ago (and I can see this already happening with you)....eventually it will be totally clear to you that you are better for your recovery. You will know exactly what your assets are (creative, sensitive, intuitive) and the negativity will mostly fall away. You will put your strong side forward and all your relationships will shift and change. Some may end. Some will soar. Your HP has it all planned and the plans are better than you could dream of.

Kc and his friend @ 6 ... Kc is who I thought your son looked so much alike ...