Am I an expert in this fieldOf Course Not .. An Expert. .Hes someone who lives in the next town. I will say however that coincidentally I have been consciously working on dealing with this very personal matter almost 39 years now, about the same time whence I stumbled into AA got sober and gratefully stayed that way by virtue of a reasonable understanding and application of the 12 steps.
First of all, a wise old sage in AA many years ago recommended that I get a copy of As A Man Thinkith by James Allen.. There is also an allied copy As A Woman Thinkith.. This little book will cost you little more than $3.00..takes about 2 hrs to read and a lifetime to apply.. It has been particularly popular with a lot of the members of AA over the years.. I read it several times a year.. No Its not approved literature, but neither is the dictionary (LOL)
In essence the message is that our lives, the circumstances and seeming miracles stem from our thought processes.. When you think about it. .this is what AA meetings strive to engender the steps are all about i.e. Spiritual growth.. The Big Book telling us the illness is essentially spiritual.. Elevate oneself spiritually is the key to sobriety and good thinking and good living.. At least it is to my experience and observation of others throughout the years..
So what does this all have to do with anger? When I listened to Father Jos. Martin, a Catholic Priest and AA member many years ago in his movie On EmotionsHe said that you cannot change the way you feel emotions are just there. but you can change the way you think.. By changing the way you think, you thereby can change the way you feel.
Anger is generated I learned from two sources Hurt and Fear.. so to corroborate to a degree the aforementioned.. If you hurt.. change your thinkingIts in your immediate power to do so..
So now that hurt is out of the way we will tackle probably the greatest complexity and difficulty and the most common generator of Anger. That is Fear.. Early in the program, in my group in Marblehead, I often heard Jack Ban Ivy league educated ex priest, refer to the alcoholic as suffering from a 1000 forms of ungrounded fearThe ultimate panacea is Faith but thats too nebulous of a concept to deal with common everyday angerWe need something a bit more understandable.. Something we can sink our teeth into..
I was 15 years sober when It finally got through, to this slow learner, that on the last page of the 7th step.. it says.. Fear is the Activator of all my Character Defects. .and just where do my character defects come from?The 7 deadly Sins of course, which you will find listed in the 6th step.. Its not by accident that Anger is on top of the list after Pride.. so by being aware of the growth producing process of the steps to our spiritual development. we begin to get a good handle in understanding the nature of angerIn an offhanded way we actually get to deal with some of the effects of our anger in the 8th an 9th steps by making amends to others caused by our past actions.. many driven by fear and hurt sometimes merely from retaliationfrom wrongs or perceived wrongs.
Our continuing efforts, I have found are addressed in the 10th , particularly in the 11th and the demonstration of our conduct in how we think and act manifested in the 12th step.
Specifically dealt with in Part 2..The next post for brevity.
Alcoholics spend a lot of time victimizing themselves over situations "that baffle them". Our perceptions of these situations are skewed intentionally (unbeknownst to our conscious mind) as we seemed to be attracted to the negative emotions of anger, shame, remorse... because it's familiar and reinforces our low self esteem. These negative emotions toward these situations are also generally linked to many past interactions (baggage) making it very hard to separate one situation from another. This leads the alcoholic to think cynically about the past, present, future and make all inclusive statements such as "Everyone is out to get me". This, of course, is totally fueled by denial and allows the Alcoholic to place blame on anyone and everyone but himself.
There are many remedies to this flawed thinking, that causes the victimization of self, and the accompanying anti-social thoughts about society and others. First, don't take things personally. If you got a speeding ticket, the police officer wasn't waiting there for You, he was just doing his job. Second, Live in the solution and not the problem. Alcoholics have to go through the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) to work through ordinary day to day problems. You can skip the first 4 stages and move right to Acceptance, and immediately look for the solution, if any. Sometimes the solution is to just say **** happens and move on. It's all about moving on, instead of getting stuck in the quagmire of self victimization and the accompanying negative emotions. The beating oneself over the head with the bat or resentment of others.
I've found the use of what I call "acceptance statements" very useful for "moving on". **** happens, that's what they do, It's human nature, You'll have that, It's par for the course, You can't win them all, Better luck next time, Nobody's perfect.... Followed by "gratitude statements" I didn't have to drink over that, It wasn't the worst possible outcome... and if need be, write a gratitude list.
Lately, Anger is completely unnecessary and a huge waste of energy and time. Anger has a way of putting a black cloud around the problem or event, that in many cases prevents the Alcoholic from wanting to return to the issue or situation, making them dysfunctional. Resentment and baggage piling up will eventually lead to the Alcoholic's inability to have a relationship with anyone. When this happens, the downward spiral accelerates... loss of employment, loss of home, loss of family and friends, loss of sanity. Most of the truly homeless alcoholics, and wonder how it happened, this is the reason, and it's starts with no being able to or wanting to deal with issues involving relationships.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 27th of October 2012 07:54:01 AM
Aloha Thomas and Mahalo for your ESH. It is good to read others journeys which bring us still to the same destination a sober face to face with the God of our understandings. You are docked at an island which is foundation to my longest 9th step...still on going with willingness and commitment. Alcoholism as I particularly manifested it in the mid seventies.
I've had the pleasure of Fr. Joe Martin in my sobriety. He was one of my teachers via his video "Chalk Talk" and we had the pleasure of listening to him at convention in central valley CA. Alcoholics of the cloth cast a different shadow for me and I was always willing to listen to recovery from addiction from those of the cloth. Fr. Bernie in the 80's did a presentation on the "Symptoms of Sobriety" which held 400+ AA and Al-Anon members rapt for 90 minutes right up to the last piece of information...The Symptoms...what to look for from the alcoholic in sobriety. It led me to finally meeting myself, the real me for which I feel truely blessed and empowered.
My mechanics for dealing with anger of course come from within both programs, all sponsors, the literature and especially Dr. Paul's disertation on Acceptance on Page 449 of the 3rd Edition of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous which came during my sit downs with a grand sponsor who was willing to teach me the dynamics of "do the opposites". Anger owned me and I didn't like being owned, overcomed, overwhelmned by anything...I hated that and LOL it made me more angry. My sponsor taught me about changing the consequences of my emotions/feelings by doing the opposite emotion/feeling. "You cannot do anger and acceptance both at the same time...they are polar opposites", he said. If you hate feeling anger...feel acceptance of the fact that what you are angry about has happened and is no longer happening. He was right of course as soon as I choose to accept as Dr. Paul instructs my anger subsided. This sponsor taught me that feelings are choices and based up on my prior understanding I almost laughed out loud but chose instead to keep and open mind and ask for more input. Today I can confirm that feelings are choices...I can choose to feel exactly how I want to feel, and usually do, irrespective of what is going on around me. I tested that opinion of his for about a year and then got closer to his knee during lesson time. Feelings are choices...feelings just are...I either play at part or accept being a victim of them. There are times when I accept victimhood mostly when I just react rather than when I use perspective time and then respond. I don't like victimhood I don't like surrendering my control over to other people, place and things expecially when they are not qualified and/or have asked for permission to control.
I have also done deep searching 4th step work. My last 4th step with the aforementioned sponsor was to find the "tap root" of all of my character defects. We had already discovered that my largest emotional character defect was fear and this last event was to find the tap root of it all including why the fear had up till then held such an ongoing default connection of my emotions...The consequence of that "tap root" 4th was the single word "ego". I was so skilled at Easing God Out of my life and assuming that I was always in control or to be in control that continued failing resulted in growing fear that it would always come out that way. Again I was taught to do the opposite..."oge" Offering God Entry as a habit.
I also used the opposite of fear is faith for a long while and continued to listen and learn. About 2 years ago I got another lesson direct from my Higher Power. I have had those direct lessons before as many others of us have also. The consequence of the lesson changed the mechanics...The opposite of fear is love. Fear is the absense of awareness and practice that my Higher Power...God...is. Love is the ancient name of God and is also God's will...that will was also stated thousands of years ago both verbally in memory and metaphorically in remembered stories. Sobriety is about the practice of what I have learned in recovery and the daily practice of it...starting from don't take the first drink and arriving at "when anyone anywhere reaches out for help...I want the hand of AA to always be there and for that...I am responsible".
I wish you the universal spirit I felt in American Samoa. They taught me alot even though I was owned by alcohol at the time. It is truely an ancient culture and I still love it. I may get a trip back there again.
Wow Dean - thanks - that's just exactly the sort of idea's I've adopted, and it's so simple - it's like magic! I'm so used to doing it the alcoholic way, that the only real stuff floppin around in my head is: This can't continue to work, there's no way it could be this simple. But then I slap that pessimistic thought right outta my head, cuz my HP aint pessimistic, and voila'!!!! I'm back on track. If I continue to look at Him as an example, and look at myself honestly, that whole lifetime of being "the other way" seems kind of.... funny.... actually.... LOL~! No offense to anyone out there. I mean, really, it's like it says in the big book about the guy walking into oncoming traffic over and over... it's not actually funny, but in a way, that's pretty silly, and now it just seems more like "duh, walk on the side walk... haha". Silly me - lol - OH WELL! No point dwelling on it.
oF COURSE - I had to do the steps and read the big book to find a HP in the first place... which didn't seem super simple at the time ; )
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I agree with Dean....(and the rest of you too). I really can't afford to be angry. It is the most dangerous emotion for me. I suppose "self pity" is also way up there too but that usually is related to some primary anger like Dean described. I turn myself into a martyr...angry type victim. That was my M.O. on a daily basis before the program.
It's still a work in progress as in the last 2 weeks I almost got in a fight at a McDonalds cuz someone screamed at me over a parking space and then spit on my car. It took everything not to take the bait on that one. My mouth went off but at least I stayed in my car and didn't leap out and get a battery charge. My boss also gave me some annoying and unecessary commentary one day after she misunderstood something I said. I was close to chewing her out and saying "I quit" which is really scary cuz when I bit my tongue and didn't respond, I truly didn't care about it in about 20 minutes. To think that I would get so angry I would be willing to quit over some stupid crap I didn't care about 20 minutes later.
In the old days, I would have responded in a much worse extreme. Then I would find myself in worse scenarios and wonder how I got there.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Right Mark - I'm noticing about the only thing that can break through and get me angry more than a second or two now are my kids screaming and tantrums... but even my reaction to that is about 1000 diminished from what it was. Exhale - sit uncomfortable - do not react in anger - reflect how God would treat me when I was doing nothing but tantrums and screaming for 33 yrs. Patience - love - kindness always.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
