Aloha Family...I just had a gratitude hit. I have soooo much to be grateful for in sober recovery...there was soooo much to learn and I didn't know if I'd get it or have the time remaining to even hope for it. The very first thing I had to get which is in the BB was the absense of fear. I was at that time so deeply fear based that fear presented itself as a wall between me and a sober serene life...I was afraid that I'd have it forever and I was afraid I would die afraid and that was terror for me. I was also afraid that I would not recognize the absense of fear if and when it showed up and then here comes the support of those who came before me. They use to talk about Faith being the absense of fear and trust and so on and then I knew nothing about these things...I had not learned these things and I knew fear better than I knew myself...I was born with that emotional defect; it was the major indicator in my emotional DNA and with the exception of that one daring act...the last resort act...I was pretty much consigned to drink again and like Ruhig make it my last event.
I came home from a meeting...I had spoken to the group and listened to my sponsor again and again and it came down to speaking with my Higher Power from my whole being and not from my head or just from my gut. I went spirit to spirit. I was laying in my bed in the dark trying to count the pukas (holes) in the ceiling tile above me and knew how insane I was in everything I did. My spouse was gone because my sponsor had told me I had to get away from all things alcohol (we drank and used together) and I was needing all those things from the past including the anesthesia of alcohol to take away my reality. I knew it wouldn't work and I didn't know what I was about to do would work either. I lay quietly on my back and envisioned myself being held while I slept and asked "Please lay next to me and hold me so I can rest"...I could not believe how fast I got the realization of that happening and I fell asleep right away. In the morning when I awoke the entire universe seemed changed for me...that heavy burden that fear leaves on it's victims was gone and as I sat on the edge of my bed I realized that the fear had been lifted completely. I had slept without fear in the arms of my HP and then the realizations which I've heard shouted by Martin Luther King came from my mouth, my heart and my gut all at the same time, "Free at last....FREE AT LAST...THANK GOD I'm FREE AT LAST!!.
The words of our program which are etched in my mind and core (Na`au in my culture) from morning to night are "Abandon your self to God as you understand God..." With more inspection with my sponsor I realized I had never done that...I had surrendered myself...conditionally...I always carried a spare white flag which I finally dropped in the trash. I had to give me completely up. It was done and is still being done. Thanks for the spiritual support MIP, for that I am grateful. Time for the Wednesday morning, Attitude Adjustment AA group.
Blessings of the day Jerry! I can definitely feel you...During the devastating 7 long years of my now 27 year old sons hard core heroin addiction(in recovery 4 years)I remember my wife and I laying in bed crying and knowing how powerless we were. How we put our son on the street, 90 lbs and on deaths doorstep.How my mind drifted back to almost 30 years before,remembering the same situations for myself,waking up in a blackout in a garage with a canvas cover and my insides all over the place.(how much pain is there to bear)The sense of hopelessness and 'WHY' am I like this..I think how as we held hands in bed and prayed for that peace that our Higher Power can only bring and falling off getting that rest we needed to approach the next day.(and believe me there were times when I thought If I ever had to go ,now may be the time.)Through years of practice,accountability partners(sponsor,members of my faith etc)spiritual principles actively instilled and put into place to the best of my ability daily,through our program and a thoroughly incorporated in all areas of my life the FEAR(FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL)is now approached with a new outllook,one that allows me to rely on that CARE of my Higher Power in my life.How our 6th Step allows me to know that our defects are part of us and we will always be subject to reverting back to those defects in stressful situations,How I ,through God's grace and mercy,can know that our human defects are basic human traits that we have distorted by our self centeredness(big for this hardhead)that we work on gradual improvement not instant faultlessness and the I get "entirely ready" to have God remove(in our 7th Step) those (fears)shortcomings in Gods time.WE remember that we grow as much as we are supposed to for this day,if we were perfect there would be no room for that growth...I have stated this before as one of my most comforting spiritual guidelines tells me" (paraphrased_ thru prayer and supplication,I bring all my petitons before God in thanksgiving and I received that peace that does surpass all understanding thru Gods grace.This is based on the evidence in my own life and seeing the miracles of life that surround me everyday,starting with my own eyes being opened.I continually pray to remain teachable for all areas of my life...I will contiually surrender to all things that keep me farther, rather than closer to the God of my understanding,difficult many days,but its why I keep doing the WORK.......Peace my brother,thanks once again for the help today,being of maximum service to God and others ,a daily journey!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Beautiful Jerry. Just what I needed. Know fear? NO FEAR! I post this silly saying on this topic because it has made a big impression on me:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Aloha Jerry. Looks like I may be going to Maui next May. My accountant invited the wife and I to stay with them. How far of a jetski ride is it to Hilo? :P
That's 26 nmiles each way Dean...and then either I meet you where you park it or you go another 60 miles to get to my kitchen or some other meeting place. Sure would be nice to make your non-cyber aquaintaince...
