13 stepping is when a member of AA with longer sobriety than the newcomer tries to take advantage of the newcomers vunerability and develop a relationship that may not be wanted.
When we come into the program we don't always feel very good about ourselves and it is nice that someone of the opposite sex gives us attention. We feel that they are safe because they are in the program also, and would never take advantage of us. But because we are vulnerable, we may jump into a relationship to numb the emotions that are awakening that we may not be ready to deal with yet. And sometimes we end up with more problems than we started out with, becase we get hurt or we hurt someone else.
Not every person that asks you out for coffee after a meeting is trying to 13 step. Many people are accused of it when they are just trying to be supportive of your sobriety. The best thing to do is to follow your gut and talk to your sponsor if you feel someone is being inappropriate. I ask my sponsees to try and use the first year of sobriety to really concentrate on the steps and thier recovery before they start thinking about a relationship with a person. If the person is not 13 stepping, they normally will give as much tiime and space as you need and are willing to just be friends.
It's probably a good idea to read the big book to find out all the secrets it holds for yourself and not rely on mere humans to interpret it's meaning for you.
Welll-Youre Aware, ...that there are some sick people in the program...no matter how long theyve been sober...that still, are self centered to the extreem..and will take advantage..of others..if they can...
Awareness is a biggy...
Its stick with the winners...and stay close to those that are genuine..
Have a good day Jeannie..
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
I don't think all 13th Steppers are purposely trying to exploit newbies,,,, but there are some people who have tendency to get involved in co-dependencies,, and this is another type of addiction.. we get addicted to our sponsor, or someone that we are getting closer to. It is a kind of ignorance, sometimes, of what healthy boundaries are. We may be feeling alone, and instead of turning to alcohol for solace we turn to another person. Waiting a year before getting involved in any relationship at all helps to let us get solidly started in a real recovery and not use someone else as a crutch. Some people tend to be 'caretakers' and their lives feel like they have real purpose only when they are taking care of someone else and so they need someone to take care of and sometimes a newbie gets attached. But they are not necessarily newbies. We have to be always very careful before getting too involved with someone else who has the same weaknesses that we do, and then be sure that we are solidly balanced and both really into recovery and not codependency.
For the 'what do I do now' part..... well.. can't give advice,, but there is always the option of 'just say no'.
amanda
-- Edited by amanda2u2 at 15:32, 2005-12-18
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I am a male and in my earlier days have done the thirteenth step a time or two.
When they and/or I became stronger in the program, we became less co-addictive, less needy, and more self assured, we became less prone to act on our feelings and better equipt to remember the thirteenth step harms everyone involved.
Maybe, you can resolve the situation,( with grace ), then thank that power greater than yourself for the experiance and ask for the enlightenment to see it coming the next time.
I have faith that you are a perceptive and intelligent person and you will not struggle with this for long.
Gotta go with Amanda on this one...just say no if it is not what YOU want right now. If this is too difficult to do right now then stick close to some women in your group that have some good sobriety. If you go for coffee after your meeting, make sure you have other women around so you feel comfortable. Hang out with the winners, the ones that have what you want for yourself. Ask a woman how she stays sober. Get involved with your group...volunteer to make coffee or offer to clean up after the meeting. As the group gets to know you they will also be aware of things going on, and will watch out for you also.
If you ever need to private message with something you're not comfortable posting publicly, please know that I am always here if you need me.
"I am a male and in my earlier days have done the thirteenth step a time or two."
This is a quote from Chrisb - I admire him for admitting the fact that he has done this. I would like to know if he really considered the other persons feelings - how it would effect them in the future?
Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Chris actually already answered that in the same post. It is not always men that are 13th Stepping. In one group I attended it was the woman who was very entangled with the man and was laying all kinds of trips on him. He finally committed suicide.
Chris said, "When they and/or I became stronger in the program, we became less co-addictive, less needy, and more self assured, we became less prone to act on our feelings and better equipt to remember the thirteenth step harms everyone involved."
We alcoholics all tend to be quite self-centered and unable to see how our behavior affects other people. That is why we need to do the 4th Step very diligently, and the 10th Step. Our alcohol kind of tended to obliterate our awareness of a lot of things. We also like to think that we are the victims of things that go wrong in relationships. One friend of mine advised me that, "it takes two to tango". We are advised to refrain from romantic involvements with anyone who is also in recovery,,, it is not that we can handle it and they can't.. it is that we can't handle it. There was one couple that was in a group that I attended last year. They had both been in the program quite a while independently,, then we noticed the sparks, then we noticed that they sat together,, then they sat together holding hands,,,,, then.... next thing we knew they sat at opposite ends of the room. Intimate relationships need a maturity that some of us have yet to acquire. We need to be able to get past sex addictions, and co-dependencies, and learn how to be in healthy relationships. Unfortunately, some people never learn.
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
From hindsight,( looking back ), I am able to see the changes we go through in the first few years. They happen so fast. We are like little children. We have to rant, rave, whine and complain, ( growing pains ). We are so not used to this new way of life and we really are nieve to the new reality that we ought not involve other people in our early sobriety turmoil, that when someone we relate to shows us what we percieve as special attention, we as, new compulsive alcoholics jump on it and run.
I personally didn't go out to take advantage of a vulnerable situation, I just hadn't learned how not to. After I did learn how not to, I would have emotional relapses and it would happen again.
When I finally, earnestly worked the steps, with a sponsor, and with an open mind. I was capable of accepting compliments without trying to make more of it.
I drank hard and open for 25 years. Rode Harley with Ca. and Ariz. clubs and went through 3 great marriges. I was never without a job. I did change them often. The longest I ever stayed at one was for 2 years. They would last anywhere fom 1 day to a few months. Sometimes, it was a job I didn't like, or I learned it fast and got bored. I would start them all with great enthusiasm. Then, it got to a point were I was sure they were catching on to who I really was. That was when I had to change and move on. No person ever got to Know who I was. I also lost who I was with all the changes. I adopted their ways so many times, I actualy didn't have any idea who Chris was.
When I finally got to AA, my fellows were afraid of me. I was very raw and felt oh so small and dirty. One of my best friends compared me to a junk yard dog, ( throw him a bone but,it's best to leave him alone! )
17 years from when I walked through the doors of AA, I pretty much have learned how to act and have learned a lot about how to love without great expectations.
Thank you for allowing me to ramble and ya'll take care now ya' here.
Woo Hoo! Congrats on 5 months! 