I have often spoken of my son here on this board, but not much about his sister. She is a funny, bright, beautiful 27 year old woman. With a new BF. Who is an alcoholic. I just learned the last part last night when I spoke to her on the phone.
She had moved out before my addiction and alcoholism took me to my bottom, but she is aware I am in recovery. There was a lot of friction (to put it mildly) between her father and I during her mid to late teens, and now she knows what a lot of it was caused by. I hid my drinking etc. from her. At the time she was so involved in her own life that she didn't seem to notice, and because of the friction she did see, she tried to spend as much time as possible involved in other things. Luckily for her she was introduced to "Young Life", and developed an active social circle of friends and young adults who didn't drink or do drugs(for the most part).
We talk often and openly of my drinking, and what led me to use it as a cure all for what ever I thought was ailing me. How it took me over and how it would eventually do me in, in one way or another, if I continue to drink. She has Aunts and Uncles (my siblings) who she knows are alcoholics and/or addicts, and has seen the destruction it can cause in one's life.
She is at a point in her life where she has stopped playing games with guys, and is ready to settle down. This is the first guy in her life that she has wanted to introduce us to in a couple of years. She's been dating him for about 2 months. She has told me a bit about him here and there, and from what she told me, I'll be honest, I did have some concerns. Not about drinking, but about his maturity level. I did not voice those concerns to her, and I prayed to be able to not judge someone whom I've never even met. I'm trying to get better with things like that....
Anyway, on Friday she posted something on FB that was a bit off, so I texted her and said Hi, told her to call me if she wanted to talk. My phone rang immediately, she was crying. They had had a fight. We talked for a while and I mainly tried to listen, told her that I would support her as best I could, to the extent she wanted me to. Other than that I tried just to remain neutral.
I called her last evening to see how she was, and how things were going between them. After we had been talking for a bit, she said they had both decided to stop drinking. It was interfering with their relationship. She told me she feels she has been spending too much money on drinking, and that he spent his week end with an old school buddy, drinking to the point of blacking out and getting into a fight neither of them remember.
I told her I was concerned for both of them. I told her I was going to send her some info on AA that she could choose to read or not. She told me he has already been to AA. What I wanted to say was "Run like hell and don't look back". Although I did tell her, jokingly, that if she wanted to be involved with an alcoholic, I could introduce her to some nice sober ones from my homegroup. But then I told her that I wish them luck, and that if she ever has any questions or needs any support she knows where to come. She said "Yeah, we can do Mommy/Daughter AA", and I told her there are many parent/child couples, entire families, in my homegroup. Alcoholism is a famiily disease and an equal opportunity destroyer. There are long lines of alcoholics/addicts on both sides of her family tree. I'll be honest, I've had some concerns lately about how often she was going out and her drinking habits. I saw myself as a young woman.
I know that I have to turn them over to their HP, and I have to lean heavily on mine. I must trust that things are going to work out the way they are supposed to. If I interfere, and try to impose my will, to tell her to dump him and get her a$$ to AA, that probably won't work out too well. I know this because this is what AA and all of you have taught me, shown me. I pray I can do it. God, help me keep my mouth shut and my heart open. Help me to do what I have been taught. I will pray for them both. I will be here to provide support and love. I will try not to judge, not to impose my will on their lives.
We have invited them over to celebrate her bday on the 29th of this month. They accepted. I told her to tell him I look forward to meeting him, and to call me if she needs anything. And that I love her.
If you read my whole saga, thanks for your time. Have a great day. ((((hugs)))) & Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
In prayer and support Nezyb...You know my situation with my now 27 year old(in recovery from 7 years of hard core heroin addiction)It was truly the God of my understanding(our understanding,my wife and I) that pulled us through the deep abyss of darkness once again instilled in my son after my own 25 years of oblivion....There is that Power greater than WE that can give us that "peace that surpasses all understanding' In prayer and support!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Nez...thanks for the trust with your story...you do good with your loving gentle hand. I second what Rob said about the young and recovery and it is amazing to watch for the same reason that they have less time in the disease than the old timers and when they get it they get it good and just take off into recovery.
I also once was in this situation with my eldest son and we were living together at the time. I had to divorce him for several reasons the most important was that the realtionship was a threat to my recovery. I did what you have done here and it worked good..."I love you...I'm here to support...I will sit and listen and you will too then we will talk...If you continue to drink and use and it kills you I will show up at your funeral, pay my respects and then go on with my life. Tough love is good love and sometimes the most best and honest. He's been clean and sober for a long while using another program and getting to be an older man than I. He will fall asleep after a good meal without having so much as a wiff of alcohol. Me I stay up and watch and laugh.
If you love something...let it go. If it never comes back it wasn't supposed to be. If it does come back...love it forever. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 23rd of October 2012 10:26:02 PM
Thanks so much for sharing. This is a great example of putting the AA principals in action in our lives.
You would never want to wish that any young person would have a drinking problem, but if they did you would want them to know there is recovery/solution available, have some kind of understanding and positive feelings toward recovery programs, and you would want them to have positive examples of recovery in their life.
I came into AA in my 20's and many years later I somehow have found myself sponsoring a lot of people in their 20's. They seem to hit less snags in stepwork and take to change easier than older folks. When the light comes on and the spritual awakening happens, it's amazing.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
What a wonderful post Kelley! Sounds like you're one with your higher power(God). Great example of putting The Principles into action in all our affairs. You've inspired me today. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. It touched a soft spot in my heart and I prayer for you and your family during this time. God is always on time!
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
I just learned the last part last night when I spoke to her on the phone.
I'm trying to get better with things like that....
I know this because this is what AA and all of you have taught me, shown me. I pray I can do it. God, help me keep my mouth shut and my heart open. Help me to do what I have been taught. I will pray for them both. I will be here to provide support and love. I will try not to judge, not to impose my will on their lives.