Yes, relapse is tricky. Everyone will always welcome you back with welcome arms and mean it in their heart. I figured at one point in my relapse marathon of 3 or 4 weeks - drinking, coming back, drinking, coming back etc., that "man, if it's no big deal to relapse... I'll just keep drinking and going to meetings so I look like I'm trying". So for me it turned into just another failed attempt. Another excuse to add to the list of things that kept me terminally unique from everyone else... therefore: "I'm too far gone, I'm worse than you, I'm better than you, I'm the only woman, I'm the only Mom, I'm the only one with a drivers license, I'm the only one who hasn't been to treatment, I'm the only one who can really drink like me, I'm the only one who's the only one!"
How did that go in the 90's??? NOT!!!!
So I'm not, as it turns out. I'm not any of that. I'm just an alcoholic... just a drunk at the time.
I suppose now I'm an alcoholic in recovery, and that's a pretty great place to be.
The big book, the sponsor, the steps, the meetings... all that work, it seems like it's just too much doesn't it? We have a disease that tells us it is. We have a disease that uses our own best wits to work it out so that it may kill us... eventually.
Of course, I didn't wanna believe that I could possibly be one of THOSE people who actually die or end up in jail for my 29th DWI or however many past the 2 I had already NOT learned from back when I was in my early 20's.
I suppose it was a few people here on MIP who shoveled some of that down my throat - Dean & Mark especially never let me off the hook. So, I woke up to the fact at just how lucky I was to still have what I did, still have my kids, still have my house, my health (sorta) - at least enough to drag my butt to 90 meetings in 90 days. I mean, it was the least I could do to try what they suggested. I sure had the time to drink... how could I NOT have the time for the simple things asked of me here in AA.
Oh because, I'm stubborn, and I have a crazy head that tells me I don't have a crazy thing about me. Even though I had to drink when I didn't want to. Even though I knew I couldn't trust my own words: that I would not drink again. I knew at one point that meant 8 days. Then 7, then 2, then f*** it.
My poor family didn't know what to do. I didn't either.
AA did. So that's a great place to start for you, and you're here, so great!
Now almost 7 months later, my life has a purpose, I have self respect for the first time ever in my life. I try to do what my HP's will for my life is, and as impossible as that may seem, it's not at all. It's just trying to do the next right thing. Ask for help when you feel things start to turn continuously in your mind, talk to a sponsor about those things, or someone, or post it here. Do what it takes. Do one step at a time. Why not? What do you really have to lose by hanging out with a bunch of people just trying to live a better life like you? Why not try and save your life so that some day soon, you can find purpose in helping out someone else who is gonna come in feeling just like you do now... and in turn also be helping yourself?
You can do it Joy. I believe in you.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 17th of October 2012 08:21:56 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I haven't posted for awhile, revamping the room my computer is in, it was unplugged for over a week. Weird, but nice. Get away from the computer and do something else.
That was the beginning of it. I have been drinking the past week. After a couple of proud weeks, I started again. I feel horrible about it; about myself. I was scared to come back here a failure. This is so much bigger than me. I can say a million times I won't pick up a drink again, try to tell myself that, but that would be a lie. I don't know that I won't. They says things in days...today I will not drink. I can't do that. Right now I am at---I won't drink for the next hour. After that I will try again~push it one more hour. A few weeks ago I thought I had really hit my bottom. And, believe me it was a bottom. Ends up, apparently I am in a pit that can still sink.
Two nights ago I took over the counter sleeping pills at 7pm. Just the recommended dose--- I did it so I would not drink. I just went to sleep. Even this drunk knows not to mix sleeping pills and alcohol! But I cannot live like that.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I do know what I need to do, but right now it's just not enough. I don't expect any of you to have a majic wand. I hope for responses, but please, please do not judge me. I beat myself up worse than anyone else could possibly do, but to feel chastised is still a stumbling block fo rme. And why should I care what others think? Especially nameless faces on the internet? But I still do. I guess that is something else I need to work on.
I knew it would be hard. I dont have denial. I am weak and I know it.
Looking back at some of your other posts, it looks like you're able to get a few days at a time and then you drink. That's barely time enough to get over the withdrawal symptoms. I would really recommend going to some meetings (no matter how embarassed you are) and starting to learn about the 12 steps. They are the key to remaining sober AFTER you've quit.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Glad you made it back. The only way I was ever able to get and stay sober is by going to meetings...in the beginning at least one a day if not more. You really gotta want sobriety and be willing to go to any lengths...it's true. You are not weak, you're an alcoholic, just as I am. Good luck and I hope you get immersed in AA, there really are some nice people who are more than willing to help you.
There is no need to be embarrassed, I dont know too many who have made it the first trip through AA's doors. Alcohol is a powerful foe. Pray if you dont now and if you do Pray some more. If you have trouble sleeping start walking, exercising. I love to read, anything to keep my mind off of ME. Go to meetings, suit up, show up and shut up. Listen and learn. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Get a sponsor and use him. Dont give up, you are not alone. Be a survivor.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
For shame, for shame ... Just kidding ... Like Halfwolf, I too, know only a very, very few that could stop drinking on the first try ... I couldn't ... it's the alcohol controlling your thoughts and actions ... go to some meetings and do as Halfwolf said, take what you can use and leave the rest ... I hated going back to meetings after failing to stay sober, but you know what, most of those at the meeting had done the very same thing ... (can't tell you how many 'white chips' I accumulated ...)
Alcohol is a powerful foe ... and the 1st 30 days are a real bitch ... if you want the 'peace and serenity' we have in our lives, you have the solution staring you in the face ... go to some meetings ... 'meeting makers, make it' ...
It took most of us a long time to reach the point of 'giving up' ... when we hit that bottom, we found that it would indeed take some 'time' to restore us to our sanity ... don't give up ... a life you never thought possible awaits you ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome Home! No judgement up in here.We are alcoholics,alcoholics drink.Relapse is part of some peoples program.The shame is not in drinking again,the real shame is not making it back(based on my own evidence,many of my posse didn't make it)If it didn't work last time, the question always is "what are you going to different this time"?In support and prayer.Reaching out for help is how WE do it..
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Quite simply there is a reason why AA has steps, sponsors, meetings and the literature - they work. Don't beat yourself up over your relapse, but if you want a better life then you have to get brutally honest with yourself and ask yourself if you are prepared to go to any lengths to get it. It's not easy but it is so very worth it, and the rewards will be bigger and better than just putting down the bottle.
Steps, meetings, sponsor, bigbook and don't pick up under any circumstances one day at a time. Those things are what keep me sober and let me be free.
-- Edited by Frodo on Thursday 18th of October 2012 08:54:49 AM
Joy, don't dispair. You only went to 1 meeting. None of us were or are strong enough to do this with such little support and actual AA attendance, sponsor, stepwork. I ONLY started getting sober when I became so desperate that I went to meetings daily for a while, got a sponsor, and started really taking suggestions. When you are ready, you'll be ready. AA does work, but it requires super high doses in the beginning (in my experience).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Glad you made it back. Even our co-founder, Dr Bob, drank again, even after his first, stellar meeting with Bill W. Even for him it didn't work for him until he embraced the steps fully.
The only disappointment is not making it back. So keep coming back :)
