It's o'dark thirty here in the Great Pacific Northwest, so not my time of day. Been awake for a couple of hours now, finally gave up trying to go back to sleep. The hamster was on the wheel, running in circles, round and round and round. The good thing is that a couple of years ago, this was a daily(or nightly) occurence, and the story was always the same, not very happy nor sane.
Today, it's different. It is a rare occurence for me to have the hamster visit. Some of the tapes were the same, replaying the insanity of my drinking and where it took me. Two years ago, about this time, I was finally spiraling out of control to a bottom that came up and hit me hard. Not quite hard enough, as it turned out, but at least hard enough to get me started on my journey of recovery.
I was caught in my web of lies with my husband (yet again), my son was recovering from pneumonia (partially due to the fact that I was barely maintaining enough to meet his basic needs, and he is unable to meet them himself), I had taken on a job that I knew I should not have taken, but wasn't willing to admit I couldn't manage it, and then one night, a sheriff showed up knocking on my door, wanting to question me regarding a criminal complaint that had been made against me.
It took 2 more months, getting fired, and being told (not too kindly), to get the F out, without my son. I was not fit to take him. Wow!!! What a wake up call. Yet still for 6 more months, I struggled. I couldn't find that total surrender, the complete and utter willingness to do whatever it takes.
Fast forward to today. Today, I am able to focus on caring for my son, without the distraction and stress of having to work outside the home as well. My relationship with my husband is changing, trying to heal. For today that is enough. I no longer am under investigation for any criminal activitity, nor do I do anything that places me in that position.
Yes, the hamster was on the wheel, however most of the stops were places of gratitude. Gratitude for the grace that my God has given me. Gratitude for the people he has placed in my path, the journey that has been my life, my new life over the past 15 + months. Gratitude for being able to admit that I do not know what I do not know, and to be ok with that. Gratitude that my heart is healing, as is my soul. One day at a time. Thanks to this program and the path it has placed me on. Thanks to my God, the fellowship of AA, and to all of you.
Gonna go grab a cup of coffee and then get my kiddo off to school. Have a great day all. (((hugs))) and Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Great share Kelley. Sounds like your head got up before you did this morning. Happens to me too. With experience, I've learned that the hamster will step off the wheel once I turn my will over to a HP and not fed it. This to shall pass.
Yes, the changes that can take place once we hit the point of surrender. There was no change for me until I hit bottom and put up the white flag. Until then, it was more of the same- insanity. Nice to witness from your share The Promise's materializing in your life today. I love to hear/see example's of the change that can occur when people work The Program. The transformation is amazing.
I think you have described a divine act of providence.
It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 21.
I am glad to see how your HP is now guiding you to much better, fulfilling, and peaceful ways of living.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Kelley - very inspiring read for me today. I woke up with kids both screaming for no apparent reason... well, none apparent to my selfish alcoholic thinking. Of course, after I stepped off the wheel, got outta my own self centered wishes for how things should go, how they should behave, when they should cry and when they shouldn't - (and this was way after raising my voice, and several hours later) I finally got to a place where I realized, it was my choice to not take this as a growth opportunity to practice patience, love and understanding. It was my choice to think the world would end if we didn't make it to school on time. I was a little more worried about what people would think of ME as a mother, bringing my kids a couple minutes late to school - than them, and what was happening right in front of me.
Projecting my worries into the future, rarely seems to solve the ones in front of me : (
Worry about ME - instead of others - keeps me in that alcoholic frame of thinking : (
But - TODAY - I get to come here and learn from you, use tools in the program to figure out what the heck is going on, and learn from it so that maybe next time, I can be better. And funny thing is, I don't have to drink over it when I do what's suggested in the program.
Progress, not perfection - thank heavens for me! Thanks so much for the post! Excellent share.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I recently read a post and in essence it said ' when you wake up, the first three things you should do is say Thank you, Thank you and Thank you". I liked that, alot. Of course, I don't say it until I have had a cup of coffee and 3 cigarettes, but it is a very good way to begin my day, because once I've vocalized it, my brain insists that I fill in the blanks of why I'm saying it. I always find something. I truly appreciate your share. I've had those wee hours ( I too am in the Pacific North Wet) myself over the years, but alot less than I used to. And when the squeaking of that wheel gets too loud, just use the oil of "thank you thank you thank you". Chris
Beautiful positive message of HOPE. Thanks for reminding me how truly blessed, being free from the grip of active addiction is..Continue walking in the LIGHT!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Been awake for a couple of hours now, finally gave up trying to go back to sleep. The hamster was on the wheel, running in circles, round and round and round. The good thing is that a couple of years ago, this was a daily(or nightly) occurence, and the story was always the same, not very happy nor sane.