Today I am home alone. Well not completely alone - my kids are here of course. Just as I emerged with this sentence, it occured to me that in my drinking life, I would be completely blacked out, passed out and gone by now. 8:21 pm. My kids, would likely not be asleep yet. They would be wondering why Mommy wasn't waking up, and eventually, fall asleep next to me in fear.
The pang that is my heart right now, for this memory, is less today, than it has been - thanks to this program. It just occured to me also, that it never occured to me to drink today. No one but my HP was watching me today. I have four days to myself actually. I would have looked so forward to this in the past. The freedom to go on a 4 day bender. Lock the doors, close the blinds, turn off the phone. Darkness inside and out.
I didn't look forward to it this time... in fact, I never even thought about it until now. This isn't even what I sat down to write about tonight.
So... my kids are safe today, because of this program... I am not setting boxes of crackers and apples out for their reach, in case I "go to far".
It isn't a sad existence of not wanting to drink, but somehow not knowing how to not drink.
Looking back at it from this distance makes me confused. The things that were big then, seem small now. The horrors that I had excuses for, some few sleeps back, seem even more horrific as I look at them again with these eyes of today... with no excuses. Then the cunning, baffling and powerful blows of how it felt to live it bring me back down, and up - all at once - to where I belong. Because that is still me. I'm still just one drink away from that. Forever.
Sometimes I can remove myself now from who I am for a moment, and even look down on me as if I am some one who has never even had this disease. Thank goodness I have, and I'll always have you. It's okay that this is where I belong. This is the life I was meant to live. I'm going to live it happily, just like this.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 9th of October 2012 09:08:38 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You're never alone. You have your HP watching you as you wrote but you also have all of us and anyone anywhere in this wonderful program. We are never alone - unless we choose to be.
So funny that you would post this, tonight. I just had a conversation a few hours ago with someone about my drinking, where it took me. Places I never thought I would go, not me..... One of the things I shared was how I would look forward to the one week of the month, seven whole days straight, when my husband worked swing shift. It was free reign to start drinking early in the afternoon without having to worry about how he would react. Many times I would wake up (come to, actually) in just enough time to feed my son a bowl of cereal and put him to bed and get in bed myself before hubby got home. Every once in a while I would not. Then I had to try and think up excuses and hide my intoxication, all the while drowning in guilt and remorse. I am so grateful to not live that way anymore. Thanks for reminding me (((hugs)))
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Good post Tasha. A wonderful thing about MIP is that all our posts are archived. I can look back on my entire sobreity journey from 2 months on right here. It's cool cuz I never followed through with journaling for myself, but I have it all written here.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yes, I was just looking back bit before I posted this - it's really neat to do every so often, what a treasure we have here at MIP, because I don't journal either.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Nice. I'm glad you found your way to sobriety. Recovery is hard work. Do something nice for yourself. It doesn't have to cost anything. A nice hot bath with candles lit and time spent with God in gratitude for this sobriety and this life. Paint your toenails. Curl up on the couch like you might have as a younger person with a good book. Breathe. Feel. Calm.
Your fear has lessened. The shame has lessened. We can actually spend time sitting with ourselves now, knowing our motives are much different for living.
Nice share Tasha! Nice reflection of how your thinking is changing. I see glimmers of gratitude in your post. Nice that you can suit up and show up today for yourself and your kids.
I am surpised you don't do any journalling, Tasha, you have such a beautiful way with words, a beautiful way of puting things.... Off to football practice LONG LONG day but I will try to get some longer posts tonight when I put the kids to bed.....sober !!
I keep picturing you as Macaulay Culkin from the Home Alone movie. Makes me giggle. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
