So, between everything in my life things have been very crazy. School for all of us, lots of homework for myself, lots of work and lots of things going on with the kids. Football, dance, birthdays and such. I coach my daughters cheer squad so we had that all day Saturday, kind of a competition but everyone go medals....Football that night. So here's what I am thinking. The weather change is affecting me. Football season is affecting me. The social buzz around my town this time of year with the holiday season coming, is affecting me. I made it through the weekend without drinking but it was so hard. I can't beleive how it hit me this weekend. I think being at football games, wrapped up in blankets and everyone drinking pumkin beer with cinnamon on top that smelled absolutely delicious....made me think more than twice about having one. I rationalized with myself about having just one. I never drank beer before, vodka was my downfall and on occasion tequila but how did I know beer would affect me the same way....yada yada yada. In the end I knew what would happen that one would be just the beginning. No one knew how I was struggling, well I told me boyfriend that I was having a hard time and he came over Saturday evening and hung out watching tv with me so that was good but then my favorite football team was playing on Sunday and of course everyone I knew was celebrating. I took my kids to the skating rink for the evening. So I did my best and I won this weekend but.....and this is a big but...it was harder than it has been yet. I really wanted to drink that pumpkin beer, I really wanted to fill my cup like everyone else at Saturdays game. I won but man, I thought it was getting easier and it just hit me.
I still don't have a sponsor, but that is my new goal. I think it wouldve helped me if I could have called someone. I still don't know how to choose one. I had someone tell me just to listen in meetings and feel for someone but I haven't been able to do that yet. I hear good and bad stories and I want it to be someone who understands what I am going through without being judgmental. I am a tough person, I'll admit and I think I would shut down if I felt someone was downing me.
You are dead on about your instincts to get a sponsor. I was reading your first paragraph thinking "this would be so much easier if she just had a sponsor!" Follow through with that. The more you surrender to the program, the easier it gets.
Personally, when I tried to switch to beer, I wound up getting mad that it didn't get me drunk fast enough. I was back to vodka within a night. I'm glad you could play that through. If that solution worked, you'd have done it already. It will always lead back to your drink of choice and if that drink was beer....1 would lead to 10000000000.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yes, things can affect you if you let them. The golden rule for me is that I am not in control of people, places or things. So that means - I am letting things affect me and it's my choice if I want to feel sorry for myself about certain things or not.
So that's tough to hear - it was hard for me to hear. I had a lot of "butts" to add before that sunk in. But, in the same regard, people told me I couldn't beat myself over it. So what the hell am I suppose to do if I can't do all those things that I do!!!???
Something different.
Alias, you have been white knuckling it - and it's hard to watch. (And by the way - holy moly - thanks to those of you who bared watching me white knuckle it). It doesn't have to be this hard. You may just as well get a sponsor, just ask someone for now to be your temporary sponsor so you can at least get started - who knows, maybe it will work out to be your long term sponsor - but that's not really of most concern. I thought it was, but it wasn't for me. I just needed SOMEONE to show me how to get through the steps in the big book, read it with me, share together about stuff... but trust me, I bucked it all the way - except I was really stubborn - and WANTED this serenity I kept hearing about. So I went through a lot of sponsors - but I extracted what I needed from each one, asked a lot of questions here, but realized in the end, it's MY PROGRAM - my responsibility to trust in a HP and do this thang, and the sponsor is not God - and not what carries me through, gets me started or tells me I'm finished.
In fact - I'm nagging my sponsor now to do some steps with me cuz I forgot some stuff. This is what I mean by extracting. I need to ask for what I need, to whomever is willing to help. She's putting me off for a bit cuz she's working with a new lady intensively. This person, in my opinion is more important than me - she's new - I can wait. BUT - I will not wait forever either. So, sponsors are just people like you and I. They were in our shoes once. You will be a sponsor most likely some day - if you keep this willingness, keep up the work, keep asking questions and keep coming back. Mostly - In my opinion TODAY, a sponsor is someone who should know the most about you. Someone you can call up anytime and you don't have to play catch up - cuz they know the whole saga - they can jump right in when you need it most, with the most knowledge about you, to offer a suggestion based on their experience, OR head you in the right direction if they have no experience with whatever is on your plate. But that's MY ideal sponsor. And I don't know best. I just know what works for me. You have to try and figure out what works for you and get on with it.
Remember, we're just people - it's not perfect - Mr. David puts it best "AA is no museum of perfect people". So there is nothing more to be scared about here than your usual trip to the cheer-leading squad. Again, just people. Be your own cheer leader for once Alias. Put yourself on the team, cheer yourself on, let others cheer you on, do what it takes.
That craving to drink can go away. There is hope - you can do this. For now, don't listen to that silly disease that can only bring you down. It's just a disease - not YOU.
Best wishes and lots of love and virtual hugs, Tasha
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You don't have to pick a sponsor for life. Go with your gut and choose someone who seems to get it. If it is not a good fit down the road, you can choose again. Having someone guide you is so valuable. Don't get caught up in the "how" and miss having someone during these early days. All the best to you and there are plenty of other tasty pumpkin delights to enjoy this season. Treat yourself to a slice of pie and savor every bite. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Kudos to you for bringing it here to discuss. What everyone here has said covers it all. Sponsor and phone numbers. The good thing is, there truly will be a time when you find out you're enjoying the things in your life MORE when you aren't drinking. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. We have a big screen tv, the whole neighborhood comes here to watch the games, and I'm the only one who isn't drinking. I'm also one of the few who isn't throwing up the next morning. That's always a plus. It gets better. It really does. Keep finding someone to talk to when these feelings surface. I'm glad you have a supportive boyfriend. Chris
I totally agree with Dean. I met my current sponsor at a step meeting, actually. His approach to working the steps was spot on, so that's why I ask him to sponsor me. That was over 7 years ago. I not only have a terrific sponsor, but a good friend as well. Maybe you will too. Thanks for the update aliasisme, you seem to be doing well.
Vixen, thats exactly what I did....I got my pumpkin fix somewhere esle. the next day the kids and I went pumpkin picking complete with hay ride! It was alot of fun. Thanks everyone, i will try to find a step meeting this week/weekend,.
