First of all,I can say I identify with your pain and anxiety!Good job on getting support for yourself.Keep it up. I can only share my ESH(experience,strength and hope)cause thats all I got and let me share this from both sides of the coin....Through my 25 years of active addiction I lost 2 wives and 2 children because I wasn't ready to surrender. The women that tried to hang with me just couldn't do it,it was a world of devastation and all about me(that self -centeredness)WE get hooked up in. Let me also interject that I have a(27 yr) son who is a now in recovery from 7 years of devastating hard core heroin abuse, his sickness that drove me to NAR-ANON and shook my own recovery to its core(a similar program to AL-ANON but specifies all substance abuse)The thing thru many years of torment and active use in my own life, and my siblings life, brought me to the understanding that in my sons case ,as program teaches that WE DIDNT CAUSE IT,WE CAN'T CONTROL IT AND WE CAN'T CURE IT.In my own situation it was only surrender and work and application of spiritual principles in all areas of my life , that keeps me to this day in sobriety free of all active drug addiction(yes alcohol is a drug)The program also taught me that it is important to set up boundaries(only ones that I was willing to enforce,follow thru on)and in my own way and time I learned to do what was best both for the qualifier and the friend,parent or relative of. (me)After my recovery began in '84 I had to gain back trust and respect in my 3rd marriage and I learned to be guided by the God of my understanding ,in all things and continue working daily letting my actions and behaviors be the guidelines of my life.WE do get as sick,sometimes sicker than our qualifiers so it is important to also do the work."Detaching with love' was the hardest concept I ever had to deal with as we put our 90 pound,totally addicted and devastated son on the street.What he has told us later, that it was this process that gave him the responsibility to save his own life..When, and if (my own stuff) you cry yourself to sleep at night,continue seeking that Power greater than you and stay close to your support group.THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!I have made direct amends for as many of my past situations that I was able and thru Gods grace, opportunities always arise to continue working my own process in a productive,spiritually guided manner.You can't live walking on eggshells,and each person is responsible for their own recoveries but again THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE! I will lift you up in prayer,continue doing the work,let your wife work her process and More is always revealed.. I have been blessed and married for 29 years to a woman I love more today then yesterday,truly a gift from God..........peace p.s im not an alcoholic wife but I can identify and wanted to share the importance of remembering to love the person,hating the illness and doing what it takes to find serenity !
-- Edited by mikef on Friday 5th of October 2012 04:58:36 PM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi rellick and welcome to the board. Is your wife going to meetings regularly (daily?). Does she have a sponsor in AA? Is she reading the Big Book, working the steps? Is there some kind of consequences for her (like moving out) if she doesn't get sober? Totally in agreement that you can't make her get sober and it's not your job. But you do have a life and she should be aware that her actions have consequences good and bad. Some of us are very hard headed and we think that the people will not leave us no matter what we do. A lot of times alcoholics must lose things of value to wake up and realize that their drinking is causing it. Desperation and willingness are gifts that come into the alcoholics lives when beloved people, places, and things have vanished. To summarize, an alcoholic needs to "Hit bottom" and they often can't when enablers stick pillows under them. In my personal experience I needed to end my marriage to stay sober. I knew that I was clinging to an unhealthy marriage as an excuse to bolster my denial. I ended it so that I had to be alone to deal with my issues and focus on my recovery program. I stayed single for 4 years, no relationships and developed a relationship with myself and my higher power. The best of luck with your marriage. It can be done, but you can't want more that the other person. It won't work like that. I'd practice detaching with love, and filling in my spare time with healthy pastimes like exercising and hobbies. Have a great life regardless, life is short be happy.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 6th of October 2012 09:31:35 AM
First off if I am being rude or invasive by seaking anwers here I apologize. My wife has recently went to rehab and is now back home trying to be sober (unsucesfully) I know her and lover her very much. And she IS trying. I am going to al-anon meetings and reading the big book. I am gaining understanding and some hope. Every al-anon meeting I go to is filled with 55+ women who have left their AHs. So I need somebody some where to please tell me our life, love and marriage has a chance!!! Im so scared. I felt so good last night. I was reading the Big Book and was just focused on "let go and let God". I have been searching all through the Al-Anon forum and theres no good. Its all about the power to leave (sometimes I want to) or moving on. Is ther anyone who can please tell me their marriage is ok that they learned to love eachother agian. I pray your out there.
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IF YOU ALLWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALLWAYS DONE YOU WILL ALLWAYS GET WHAT YOU AHVE ALLWAYS GOT
I AM HERE! I love my husband. I am an alcoholic wife - who thought marriage, or motherhood, or exercise, or vacations, or shopping, could help me....
I am 6 months sober - and 4 months happily married : ) We have been married for 7 yrs though ; )
I encourage you to look through my posts and see the testimonies I have written in regards to my husband and I. You can read the whooooooooooole journey here, and how my husband and I are working things out, falling in love again, and happier than we have EVER been! It wasn't like that in the beginning of this journey. It's turned around COMPLETELY!
It's not a facade. It's not a big show. It's real love - it's really happening to me, and it's been a lot of work, but we're actually having fun again : ) Joking, poking, learning, growing - and we LOVE each other - for real. No doubts.
We weren't sleeping in the same bed 6 months ago. We were walking around - ghosts of people, basically, room mates with children who had a lot of anger.
It's great you're involved and asking questions. Best wishes : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
hi, you say your wife came back from rehab but is not sober, but is trying. while I was drinking my marriage had no chance, because i put the drink before my husband, my kids and anything else that got in the way. i had tried to stay sober on my own a few times, but I really didn't want to stop drinking. i would just stop long enough to pacify the family and then go about my usual way. i had strong resentments against my husband because he would try to limit my drinking. we fought all the time.
nothing ever worked until my husband gave me a choice, either go to AA and get sober or get out. i actually thought about it for a while, but realized no one would let me live with them as i had burned all those bridges. i wasn't up for living in my car. that was 6 years ago this coming wednesday and i have never looked back. i've been married for over 20 years and my marriage has never been this good. he is my best friend. i'm just grateful he put up with me a long as he did for me to get sober.
i'm glad you're going to al anon, and best wishes with your wife, i hope she makes it back, it's her choice.
Aloha Rellik...yeppers I responded on the other board...program descriptions have me as a "double" a member of both programs. From my experience in recovery I had my own negative mind set about Al-Anon (and almost everything else) and didn't work the program beyond complaining about it which was something I knew nothing about. When my wife was questioning whether she was really alcoholic she came to the one person she could depend on for a "NO" answer to her questions and that was me...you see enablers (that is one description of an unrecovering spouse of an alcoholic/addict) will say and do many many things they think are smart and will cause solution only to learn later that in fact those will make matters much more worse. After I said "NO" to my alcoholic/addict wife she went out again...meaning she took up the disease where she left off and went out on another 5 year run. Me? I hit my bottom and God put me back in touch with Al-Anon with an entirely different attitude than I had the first time. In time I was to find out that it was my own drinking in part that enabled my spouses drinking and using...She chased my drinking hoping one day to be able to drink the way I did without seemingly suffering the negative consequences she was getting. Of course she had to over look the yellowish/greenish color of my skin while doing that.
You are reading the Big Book of AA and found "Letting go and Letting God"...that is a solution for the alcoholic and the spouses, family, friends and associates of the alcoholic also. Both programs are identical dealing with different addictions. The danger you are in is judging a recovery program without experiences and doing what I did...making the judging personal...namely pointing the finger at the people there who hold and practice solutions you need very badly. If and when (and I deeply hope you do) you go to the next Al-Anon meeting please make a point of fixating on this portion of the closing statement. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help." I believe that God personally penned that statment into the closing of those meetings...it is the statment that saved my butt and then my life and as I hung on in that program found the path also into AA. HP works in ways that at times are very cryptic to me and result in what is best for me.
You are the victim of the disease of alcoholism. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you will not cure it in the lease. Your spouse deserves a better chance than mine did when she first got to AA. If she ask you if you think she is alcoholic...tell her to go talk to another recovering alcoholic and leave the area. You know you don't know. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 6th of October 2012 12:37:06 AM
Welcome to M.I.P. I think relationships should be at the heart and soul of all recovery, without question. Our husbands, our wives, our children, our parents, our extended family, even our coworkers and friends can help create an atmosphere that could produce lasting memories; it's only a matter of time.
It's only because of these relationships that alcoholics -like myself- have come to appreciate my wife that much more. Were developing a more meaningful relationship today with the help of this wonderful program known as A.A. -which, by the way, is something only sober people could. But for us, it wasn't always the case. She had to endure many more years of turmoil before I came clean, unfortunately. But she never gave up hope, and I mean ever. It was her love for me that sent the initial phase of recovery into motion, and it has only gotten better from there.
So stick close to Al-Anon as best you can. It's a program that can help you get better, with or without her support. The only thing I can suggest from there is to keep praying, just like my wife did. It might just work after all. Welcome, once again
P.S. I agree with Tasha: You should read some of her posts, it just might help.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 6th of October 2012 02:19:12 AM
Welcome to MIP forum! I can't add a lot to what has been said. I would only suggest that you you continue to work on your own Al-anon program, get a sponsor, do what they say and work the 12 steps, that is probably the best thing you can do for both you and your wife.
Sometimes a split isn't always a bad story, I've seen it go both ways, remember this disease makes you sick also.
Take Care,
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
She is going to meetings daily, we do morning meditations together, We both have a copy of the big book and we are reading it. She doesnot have a sponsor yet, her group is working on it. She will be starting some kind of IOP (intensive Out Patient) treatment next week. It was a recomendation by the rehab facility she went to. I feel like "shit were doing everything everyone has told us to do and she still can't go longer than 5 days without getting trashed" What the hell!!! if you can't tell patience isn't one of my virtues.... I'm working on it. When I get like this I pretty much focus on the serenity prayer and "let go and let God" those two ideas are keeping me sane right now.
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IF YOU ALLWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALLWAYS DONE YOU WILL ALLWAYS GET WHAT YOU AHVE ALLWAYS GOT
It must be hard to only focus on yourself living with an alcoholic. I never managed to when I was living with one... but I wasn't even aware I should be trying to.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Alcoholic wife here. I can tell you that my marriage has only changed for the better since I joined AA. I am less selfish, more present, more compassionate, more willing to look at my own defects of character. An alcoholic who is willing to do what it takes (working the steps, attending meetings, putting their sobriety first) is worth the investment. I adore my husband in ways I didn't think was possible and am so very grateful neither of us threw in the towel when the going got tough. And believe me, it got tough. All the best to you. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Of course there is hope. More often than not, people do not get sober though. Hope is good but keeping expectations down a bit is healthy for the spouse. It sounds like you cannot even tolerate the idea that she wont recover. You are powerless over that. Also, she needs to build her program separate from you. Meditating together I'd not the best idea cuz you are working separate programs. You can let go of her recovery without letting go of her.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you all so much. You all have given me great inspiration and hope. We had such a wonderful night last night. We went out on a date and talked. I have come to accept that i cannot cure her. I love her and I have HOPE again. I feel so good right now. I know what ever happens it will end up ok. Funny thing is just having that attitude makes everything look better and feel better. So again thank you all and thank the big book and AA program.
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IF YOU ALLWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALLWAYS DONE YOU WILL ALLWAYS GET WHAT YOU AHVE ALLWAYS GOT
