Hi all.... I am discouraged today. I cant say my life alone and drinking was all that bad. I did drink and drive for many years (like 35) but at the end, I mostly got a 30 pack and sat home alone feeling sad and or sorry for myself, drinking beer after beer, watching tv and eating pizza. When I joined AA I made lots of friends, got a soponsor and worked hard on the steps. I have a sponsee, too. She thinks I walk on water... But I can't fool myself. I don't really feel any 'better' about myself or my life. Frankly, I think I would be just as 'happy' if I was back in my apartment drinking and eating pizza. I know what alcohol can do and I do care about my body... But maybe not enough. My doctor put me on an antidipresent and it is working because I dont cry all the time anymore...or maybe that is because I stopped drinking.
Anyone out there feel the way I do?
Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks.
I was letting my disease do the talking for a bit today too. I guess it's cuz of the dang liquor mountain I walked by to get to the groceries in the store. I don't know. I figured it's just cuz I'm an alcoholic.
I do know that I had some fantasies about drinking again just like you, only I did end up laughing them off. It's ridiculous to me now kinda. It's like being told I'm diabetic, and then thinking it will still be okay for me to eat a dozen doughnuts. It's like - I know I can't drink. I know this life is better, more meaningful, less sickly, less mentally loopy, more respectable, more lovable... I know it's best for me, I know it's best for those who love me, I know it's best for my parents, my kids, my husband, my neighbors, EVERYONE... yet... this disease is SOOOOO freaking crazy powerful, that I can still daydream about drinking as if it wont REALLy matter all THAT much. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I swear. Alcoholism, cunning, baffling, powerful... YUP! I guess for today I aint listen'en to the little voice that secretly wants to kill me (too much... so far lol). I hope you don't either. But I get what you're feeling. Thanks for sharing.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There are times when we all stop and think, is this all there is??? ... That's when it's time for me to go out and find another alcoholic to help or sponsor ... If you're not helping another alcoholic stay sober, then you're missing out on one of the most REWARDING things our life can do ... It makes me feel so NEEDED and HAPPY to sit back and see the results of helping someone who's given up on life, someone whos' lost and has no direction ...
Your disease is doing your thinking, it wants you to come back to it ... it wants you to think you have nothing to be grateful for ... and if you just sit back and take no action to change that way of thinking, you will surely drink again ... don't know about you, but for me to drink again is to die ... then what do you have ??? ...
Being 'discouraged' at times is a normal part of life ... it's what we do when that happens that defines who we are ... I have had to look at myself at times and tell myself to get off the daggum 'pity pot' and go do something ... if you're miserable being sober, then it's your fault, not aa or its program, or its fellowships, or its 'way of life' ... maybe reworking the steps is in order, I don't know ... BUT I do know one thing ... That type of thinking drove me back to the bottle every time ...
How many meetings do you attend every week? ... how many people are you sponsoring? ... are you currently active in helping someone else stay sober? ... maybe it's time to look a little deeper than you've been doing lately ... just sayin', the bottle is out there waiting on you if that's your choice ...
Most people are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be! ... Abraham Lincoln
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It's great you reached out here : ) I do that, I listen to Pappy and others here... I call my sponsor now... I pray. I don't even know what I'm praying to yet lol - but it helps!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hi MooMoo, we all have those kinds of days or weeks sometimes. The import thing is to talk it out and realize that it's "stinking thinking". We can't think our way to feeling better, we must take action. We must act our way to feeling better. If I am feeling like I'm not any better off then I was when I was drinking, then I must not have any goals that I'm working toward. No measures of progress. Sobriety is the key to us having a life. Building that life is up to us. It is all out there for us, and we get out of it what we put into it. Don't get we wrong, I'm not being critical here. Think of this as motivational. When I got sober there was a list of things (long list) that I knew that alcohol was holding me back from doing. Having my own business, being happily married, being a good father, being able to design and build my own house, being able to travel, scuba dive, ski, restore cars.... I warned you it was long lol. When I took this list and wrote it out as goals, one by one they happened. All of them. It took time. Just finishing the house project, 10 years from breaking ground to hooking up the plumbing in the last bathroom and kitchen. I never lost faith and I never gave up. Each year I just made progress, not deadlines. As soon as I'd have expectations about when it would be finished, stress anxiety, feelings of failure took over. I'm just the worker not the schedule keeper. My HP takes care of that. Dream big, live bigger. You can do it.
It's good to hear your voice, once again. For me, the answer is quite clear; I'm not in any position to question what does or does not work. I'm also not in the business of telling people what they should or should not do either. That part is up to the individual in question, not me.
Your story does reveal some particulars, however, that are usually a concern for us -whatever that might be. It may be associated with untreated alcoholism or even depression, but again its decision you have to pursue on your own. I only hope you reserch this topic further before you proceed. It can be a life saver for us, without question.
Like other people have already suggested: "Stick to your normal routine for now, okay". Don't break away from your normal routine mostly as a precautionary measure. And then see how you feel after a week or two. If the problem continues to linger on after that, then you may want to explore other options -like therapy or counseling. It's only my take, though -even though it can't hurt. My addiction counselor -James- was one of the most influential persons I've ever come to know. So from that perspective it does make good sense. I just hope it does for you.
Those thoughts in your head may be the addictive voice crying out instead of the friendly A.A. version we're accustomed too. It's usually caused by an active addiction. Rational Recovery or AVRT is another tool I utilize frequently. It helps me separate those two distinct voices, which AVRT is well known for. I still utilize the program of A.A. as my main go to recovery outlet, which is something that will never change. But again, how someone else works their individual program is not for me to decide. I can only go so far before something has to give; I just hope it doesn't include alcohol like before.
We're always here to help, MooMoo; all you have to do is ask. Onward...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 6th of October 2012 02:24:01 AM
Aloha MooMoo...That is the condition where I found out that my recovery wasn't very wide and not deep enough and so I went back to an even more "searching, fearless and moral inventory". I left off on the sixth one which was sooo deep I wore one of those mining outfits with a light on the helmet...LOL I did those 4ths because I needed a larger inventory of alternatives to my holding on to recovery. The old default memories and thinking would kill me and killing myself with alcohol wasn't that unpleasant an alternative. I don't like the idea of alone in a closed in space cause I use to practice isolation and isolation and drinking together. Doing that and being absolutely powerless over a toxic shock overdose would give me the idea that I was impervious to alcohol poisoning...now isn't that a bit of ego perspective? All alone, in the corner, in the dark was my drinking atmosphere...it also was how I spent my first for real AA meeting and I am beyond gratitude and amazement if the membership didn't stop the meeting and keep it stopped until I identified as alcoholic. There is a God and sometimes when it is just me and God I get the idea that I can remember when it was just God and me and I thought I was all alone. Hold on to the honesty and the question..."Can you help me please?" Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thanks so much everyone...it's so nice to have a world out there who can relate a bit and who cares enough to make suggestions...I look forward to when I can help....
MooMoo, you are helping in many ways. When others relate to your struggle they know that theirs is not unique. That inspires hope. 22 months is a long time to stay away from booze, but not that long in terms of recovery. It took me about 5 years to feel really comfortable with my sober identity. It takes time to build that identity and life where we are happy to be sober and learn to enjoy life differently without booze. It really keeps getting better, even after 10 or 20 years, it's really pretty amazing. Try and ignore these little down times and know that you'll feel better in a day or a few days. It's a natural process
