When I walked through the doors of AA the day after Christmas last year (or rather - came here to MIP) and began my recovery journey, I didn't last long.  40 days.  Then I drank again - still kept coming here every day, still kept the lies to myself & everyone else going, still continued to do my 1 meeting a week - drank for a few weeks - first just once per week - by the last week, it was back to every day and worse than ever. 

The day I gave up on AA - was in the same 24 hrs that I surrendered to it.  That was March 25th.  My sobriety date.  There was a divine intervention that day.  No one knew I threw in the towel but Him and I.  Somehow... it was handed back to me.

And that "somehow" is something I've minimized and managed to set aside in leau of the full truth. 

The truth is, I was told I was going to quit my jobs, and have my kids taken away.  I was told that the secret was out, my family, and my husbands family had been told of my closet drinking, and It was being decided if I were to go to treatment or AA. 

I commonly said things like "I quit my jobs, and got a nanny so I could submerge myself in the program".  Which was true, but I was leading you to believe it was my choice.  It was, but I leave out the part about being told I was going to do it or lose my kids.  I never say my husband made me quit my jobs.  I need to learn from Him... and you... how to be humble today.

I begged for AA.  I actually begged my husband on my knees, on the kitchen floor.  He said he would think about it, and walked out of the room as I sobbed, and prayed and surrendered.  My crumpled body reflected in the oven glass, and I saw the distorted dark vision of myself as if I was seeing myself in the bottle I was living in. 

It was over.  

I poured myself out, got on my feet and headed to my "first" meeting.  It was decided a few days later that I would be allowed to go to AA instead of treatment... so I went to every meeting I could afford for 90 days.  I was at the mercy of my husband who knew I drank while caring for my kids.  I needed help... this kind of help that day.  It was time for this spoiled brat to have some real consequences on the table.  It was time for me to learn a new way of life... it was not just for me anymore.  I knew the answer was in the rooms... I just needed to allow myself to get the help I needed.  I needed to -NOT- be strong.  I needed to Surrender - trust - have faith - in a power greater than myself.

Today after 6 months, I'm feeling a little peeled open, but not sure what to do with it.  I'm stagnant since completing the steps... but TRUSTING... this is how TIME is my gift.  I'm soaking for a while... listening to His will.  I can't hear very well when I'm barrelling down the path at 100 miles per hour.

Last week, I resumed piano lessons out of my home, this week, I began working at the Music School again.  In both regards, I was ready - and was asked to come back.  In the big book, it says spiritual healing comes first.  I assumed this as God's will for my life.  As it is. 

As I drove to school today, I had terrible fear and insecurity.  Now I was asked to return.  People expected things from me... to live up to being me.  But I am different.  I am changed from purple to violet. 

I was placing a lot of expectations on myself today.  I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough for myself and those people who were counting on me.  I'm suppose to have serenity right?  I was a nervous wreck.  I remember being 19 and drinking tequilla in the bathroom before my performace in the college auditorium.  Flashbacks, expectations, fear, insecurity...

I called my sponsor.  She talked about herself.  About how maybe I just wasn't cut out for being on stage, and performing in front of people... that she discovered she wasn't.  I felt discouraged by her stories of giving up on public speaking for AA.

Then I realized I was thinking about her and not myself.  The butterflies were gone, the sweat had dried.  Then I heard her say "have you said the 3rd step prayer?" - I hadn't.  I hadn't turned anything over.

Soon I realized I was right where I am suppose to be.  She was speaking just what she was suppose to.  And her words, were only suggestions and experiences from her life.  They didn't condemn me to anything.  Who am I to judge her words only meant to help... or expect that her life experiences had to be mine.  

My experience was this:  My peeled open self was a much more connected to the Earth.  I could look into the childrens eyes today... something I realized that in 5 yrs, I never really did.

All but one of the parents signed on for more classes to my surprise.  When I couldn't reach inside to feel good enough today - that gift was presented... but before the parents lined up to sign up... 

The real gift was in humbling myself to a simple prayer. 

Allowing you to know the real me, allows me to feel real love.  If you chose to do so, today, I will keep on trying to do the next right thing... and I'm sorry that I've lied to you.

music enjoyment class - for the youngsters.

Thanks for the post.  It is inspiring to see the struggles that others have over-come.  It is comforting to know that others have the same thoughts and feelings as I do; it makes it not so lonely or shameful.

Joy

Great share Tasha and many congratulations on 6 months. You may not realize it, but your sharing has helped to keep other people sober. And don't worry about stagnating having completed the steps. We *never* complete the steps, we just keep working them: 10-12 after we've completed step 9. In your posts, you are working Step 12 in a big way! :)

Steve