I believe one of the reasons I continued to suffer after the 4th step is that while my directions for resentments were very thorough, my directions for the fear inventory were not. My sponsor was very inexperienced and the fear section was a lot of guesswork type of stuff.
There is an actual formula to get down to the core of ourselves and heal - for all 3 parts of the inventory including sex which is last...I was not afforded that.
Because of this, after the 4th step writing I immediately self-sabotaged because I had so much fear. I did it to put myself in so much pain I would have an excuse not to move forward with life or speak at Big Book Study meetings etc...I was just still so afraid.
By the grace of God someone showed me how to write a proper fear inventory recently. I wrote a big one out last night and I can't believe how good I feel today. I also see what fear has stolen from me...in the fear I wrote out last night I can see that I have been obsessing about others in a very sick way...and these are people I should really have no concern with...bullies and the like.
When we choose to do the steps out of the Big Book of AA it is of utmost importance to have clear directions. I am grateful I have them to pass on to others now who will not have to suffer any longer than they would have otherwise...I am grateful to have found it at all.
Odat, thanks so much for sharing this. I think you nailed something really significant, at least to me. I lost my sponser after a relapse; a relapse that occurred after 7 months of sobriety. She was wonderful (and 16 years of sobriety) but after all that time I still hadn't done my 1st step with her (if you can believe it). I am not laying blame; it is my fault but I was really anxious to "get going" and for some reason she wanted to wait. After my relapse, she cut me loose. That was over a year ago, I don't have a sponser and my meetings are hit and miss; as is my sobriety. I am trying again after the umpteenth time. I am so glad that you were able to get your inventory completed in a way that helps you. You have definately inspired me, especially since fear is my number one problem! Thank you so much!!
Right, it's not about blame of others (or ourselves). I believe that when we are ready we ask for help from anyone we need to and the information will be brought to us. God will see to that when we are willing. Some of us may need to suffer longer due to either being not completely willing - or others who just don't have the information - or others who are sick like us and unwilling. We hang on and then are ultimately more willing than ever to do the work which is the blessing itself of pain.
It's good...just don't give up on yourself. We know today that the directions for the steps are in the Big Book and there are a lot of good folks who have the information and are willing to help, and then eventually we have them to pass along as well - a fulfilling journey that must not be missed!
dolly wrote:
Odat, thanks so much for sharing this. I think you nailed something really significant, at least to me. I lost my sponser after a relapse; a relapse that occurred after 7 months of sobriety. She was wonderful (and 16 years of sobriety) but after all that time I still hadn't done my 1st step with her (if you can believe it). I am not laying blame; it is my fault but I was really anxious to "get going" and for some reason she wanted to wait. After my relapse, she cut me loose. That was over a year ago, I don't have a sponser and my meetings are hit and miss; as is my sobriety. I am trying again after the umpteenth time. I am so glad that you were able to get your inventory completed in a way that helps you. You have definately inspired me, especially since fear is my number one problem! Thank you so much!!
Fear is the noose around our necks that hold us back from developing spiritually ... and it frequently distorts our thinking to make us believe we'll suffer in some way if we proceed from where we are ... There are many things in my life that I failed to do because of fearing the results of my actions ... I created in my own mind, false situations and used those as excuses to not proceed ... ergo, I continued to live in the misery of my own choosing ...
As for AA's program of recovery, I initially had fear of saying something, or confessing something, that would damage my ego ... as time went on in the meeting rooms, I found that others who had the same fears that I did, learned to face them and began sharing things they would not have told another soul a few days or weeks earlier ... I began slowly to have faith that what I was keeping to myself, couldn't hurt me if my heart to recover was in the right place ... i.e. actually believe that my higher power(God), would see to it that I would be just fine, better than fine actually, great, in fact ...
I found that the things in my past no longer had any power over me ... It was great to list all these things, do a fifth step and move on ... this time I felt the weight of the world being lifted off my back ... amazing how it feels to rid the mind of the garbage that kept us trapped in the past ... it was like letting the 'dam' break and allowing all the negative sh!t flow out to Mother earth ... it was like she soaked up all that negative energy that was crushing me ....
A new ME was born that day ... and today, I still remain a student of recovery ... (going for my 'Masters' now ... LOL)
Love ya'll and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pappy, spot on my friend. Same symptoms here and same results. Once the pain of where I was, was greater than the fear of where I wanted to go, I moved my feet. With The Progam of AA and a HP of my understanding fear is slowly transpiring into Faith.
About 99 per cent of the honest people that I have met in AA, and who have stayed in AA, have admitted that had a problem with fear and anxiety, myself included.
It seems to be one the of the things that we all have in common, in addition to the allergy to, and obsession with, alcohol. That's why the founders were so spot on when they classified fear as being up there with stealing. Its corrosive effect is inimical to long-term sobriety.
Fortunately, the AA program provides us with a way of dealing with fear so that we can stay sober. :)
I truly believe, we are always just where we are suppose to be. Odat - with that in mind - your sponsor did for you exactly as she was suppose to. It was God's will. There is so much comfort in that for me when I want to over think things. Not that I don't still do it ; ) Happy you're feeling happy TODAY : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
This: "I created in my own mind, false situations and used those as excuses to not proceed ... ergo, I continued to live in the misery of my own choosing ... "
Fear is definitely an excuse for not doing something or stopping doing something...and I like how you say that as long as our hearts are in the right place regarding recovery we never have to worry - God will take care of us. Nice - thanks.
Nice. yes, anxiety is just fear. So was my stress! It feels so much better today after only ONE fear being written out. I can't wait to do the others. These of course will be considered 10th steps and I'll do one every few days maybe...God's time is amazing, because I'm about to move back, next week, to the city I ran away from! (Yes, I'm a runner. LOL)
Hi steve, Ive found the same thing with my recovery. I find Im overanalyzing a lot of things and fearing a lot of people that I should have no concern with, I heard a saying in AA that a lot of alcoholics fear this and that its like a bogeyman theory, paranoid that people are after us or plotting against us, thinking things are setups all the time...I know I have.
I totally agree, Susan. Fear is the one emotion that can overwhelm us to no end. That's why it's important to inventory it just like you said. FDR said it the best: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself". How true.
Enjoy the day Pink...BTW i wrote out another one last night...I feel so good I can hardly stand it! I could literally give 2 sh-ts what anyone thinks of me today! It really works! I can't wait to keep going and finally get these out!
