It's been a long 4 years. Since I was 21 I've lived on my own, been through absolute hell with alcohol, relationships, poor health and everything else..And after 4 years of batlling sickness, making ends meet, and bettering myself in every possible way, Im recovered. Heading back to work. Since I was a young kid I was always told I was no good, I couldnt do it if I tried, Im a loser, a lowlife etc.. and I always felt I was more.. I always felt I was Somebody. Im 27 now and after all of this, I've amounted to one thing -An Alcoholic. A Stupid Alcoholic. I never got along with my family, I was the black sheep, the one who was left somewhere, and I clawed tooth and nail all the way back to my home, and Im nobody special. Im a stupid alcoholic, nothing anyone even cares about. I talked to my family about going to school, talked to my health professionals about it, Im not sure they care about what Im trying to do with my life. I think I've gotta "Figure something out" as they say. But who am I to say Im more than this?, Im just an alcoholic, nothing more, correct? What does the world owe me? Well, nothing, but I can "damn well start at the supermarket". I hate to say it, but for a long time I HAVE felt im a lot more than some loser. I HAVE felt that the people who are sitting there belittling me with a rum and coke in theyre hand ARE wrong!.. I'm not gonna write an essay of the ugly crap I've had to sit and listen to in my life, but my whole family and everyone I thought were my friends, always told me, Im nothing!, I was clearly less, a LOT less. Letting go of my past hurts has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and to be quite direct, I'm disgusted with my people. I grew up in the most abusive, drunk, drug addicted home, and you know how they recieve me now that I've done all this myself? -Well, they couldnt really care, or be bothered with what Im doing, and Im sorry to say it, I might be the black sheep in my little group, but Im the winner! -as conceited as it sounds, I wanna do something with my life, and I wanna do it for me, not to be better, or be holier than thou like some people, but because Im NOT a loser, Im NOT a worthless lowlife. (I think I'm still the slightest bit angry or unable to let go of something), but my friends were zero. I've survived all the way to 27 on my own, my very own, to be in some little apartment, and I can see who I am, and Im a LOT more than some loser. Alcoholism is a family disease and im the only one in my family who recovered, I've tried every possible approach to make amends and everything else, and noones willing on the recieving end, theyre getting drunk, being sick, getting drunk again, sobering up for 24 hrs. downing another bottle of booze, being UGLY people, and I try! I try! I try again. To be the best I can, To be of help to myself, and others, my family included, and Im worthless, (NOT WORTHLESS) I have all these dreams, all these things I wanna do, and Im stuck as a recluse in a little neighborhood, without anyone who cares to even be able to sit at a dinner table without going on a tangent about this and that! I've got my higher power, I've got the AA room, and I got a resume for the f-in gas station where they told me "Go apply online", which was just a bunch of junk anyway..
And thats my input for september 29th 2012, after all of this, I am a Stupid Alcoholic. According to someone whos driving down the highway with a drink in theyre hand, deciding how many burgers to buy before he --nevermind.
-- Edited by Closer on Saturday 29th of September 2012 09:36:44 PM
Wow, that was quite the tirade, Brian. Are you done beating yourself up? I mean, why allow yourself to feel this way in the first place? Haven't you been through enough already? So why feel more inferior than you already have? Why not try a different 'approach' instead. The one you're currently using seems to leave more permanent marks -no pun intended.
There's a book out there called "Power through constructive thinking", by Emmett Fox. It highlights something just as powerful as Bill Wilson's essays and it's called "emotional well-being". Just as Bill W. penned his essays around the topic of "emotional sobriety"; Emmett fox based his theories on another widely misunderstood concept called "constructive thinking". The book is a life changer, indeed.
Our families must have been intertwined somehow. They might have even been related, who knows. My father had a fascination with worldly influences, among other things. Anything that pertained to wealth building always came first. My mother on the other hand was a more spiritual person. She was also the inspiration behind me getting sober. We would attend church religiously, and without question. My father, on the other hand, was more worldly minded as stated earlier. He was more interested in himself than anyone else. I guess that's why we clashed so easily. He always talked down to my mother and me like he was some sort of big shot, which he wasn't. I guessed it was his way of 'asking for help'. I know, that part doesn't make much sense, or does it?
My father couldn't survive on his own without engaging in cronyism. That's how he got ahead in life. But when life threw him the usual curveball he became his old cranky self, blaming everyone including my mother and me. That's when I first got a glimpse of his 'emotional inadequacies'. It was the side of him that never 'grew' up. So for me, the answer is quite simple: We need to have our mental faculties in place before we can chart a better course for our lives, whatever that may be. Basically, our journeys in sobriety are kind of like our journeys in life, with emotional sobriety being the key to our success. The more emotionally sound we are the greater our chances at survival, plain and simple.
When our emotional state is on the same even keel as our physical well-being, we can achieve anything. And that's why "emotional sobriety" is so important. When we're properly motivated and mentally sound we can then construct a better image for our lives just like the premise behind Emmett fox's theory. This theory can be summed up this way: "It's hard to think one thing while producing another" -which for the alcoholic rings true. It's hard to think of ourselves as being 'less than' if our mind has the proper motivations. And that's the bottom line for any of us. We're very talented people, and those talents will help stimulate our future actions, without question.
So let's face it, Brian: We all have very unique talents some more glaring than others. Sometimes we lack the proper motivation, that's all. Can you blame us, though? We've been told many things, some incorrectly I may add: From the usually verbal tirades to unforeseen anomalies, we've been through it all. I've been called everything from 'useless' or 'less than' on occasion to even more prolific comments like 'You stupid moron' and of course the standard go to 'you'll never amount to anything'. But it's far from the truth as far as I'm concerned. If these people really knew me -like the claim too, than we wouldn't be discussing it in the first place. So maybe you should start there, Brian; a place where empathy reigns and animosity wanes. It's a place Bill called "emotional sobriety".
You're talented sir, you know you are. So let's find out how talented you really are. Are you up for the challenge? I guess we'll wait and see. Oh, one last thing: 'Keep that sober momentum going". It's the motivating factor in our desire to succeed.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 1st of October 2012 03:05:20 AM
Thanks Mr. David. I find Im not beating myself up, I'm constantly trying to overcome something that is so deep inside that no matter how much I feel "Over it" . I wake up in the same place again and it's been that way for years. I had a family who I love but they left me with more anger that I cant get to the bottom of no matter how hard I try. The book you listed sounds interesting, maybe Ill look for it, Ive got a gift card to a book store. They say in this program to "let go and let god" but I dont find it easy, even when I try to get to the bottom of it, I cant even get it in words, it's been this way for almost 4 years now when I was in some real bad trouble. The program has helped me stay sober for almost a year and my sanity is well now, but as far as emotional sobriety as you call it, I cant get over my problems cause they keep frothing up here and there and Im hanging on for dear life every time it gets a little better. The spark or whatever you call it was completely ripped from me and I was like a dead person in some evil world. I have a higher power that is real and it keeps everyone away from me. I dont know what else to call it besides being someone like a guns n roses member, except my problems werent of the sick nature his were, my family was just fighting in different ways. Something seems to do the talking for me and noone bothers me anywhere so Im never yelled at or kicked/ controlled anymore.
-- Edited by Closer on Sunday 30th of September 2012 01:13:14 AM
-- Edited by Closer on Sunday 30th of September 2012 01:14:05 AM
I'm really not sure how to respond to this post Brian ... Sure I'm an alcoholic, but stupid? ... hardly any of us qualify for that statement ... on the contrary, most of us are of 'above average' in the intelligence department ... at least that's what the BB says, and I believe it from all those I know in the various groups I go to ...
Being an alcoholic doesn't mean we have to 'belittle' ourselves ... in fact, I just reprinted an article titled 'The Chosen' ... it a great article about how we are empowered by a gift from God that allows us to help other alcoholics recover, when much more educated men have failed ... we have a gift ... so I take exception to your calling yourself or anyone else for that matter, a 'stupid alcoholic' ... and I am very cautious about telling anyone that I have recovered ... for me, I feel I only have a reprieve from alcohol, not total immunity ...
You still have much to learn young man, as do I ... So I suggest you accept the fact that you have a bad past, as most of us do, try to make your amends as suggested by your sponsor, and if they don't work out lke you expect them to, move on, don't ever sit in self-pity ... it will lead you back to the place you're trying to forget ...
The kind of message contained in your post above came across very negative to me, unless I totally misread it ... Do you think you're the only one struggling with staying sober? ... Lighten up and let the miracle happen for you as it has for many of us ... Stop fighting it ... let go and let the program work ...
Love ya brother and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
try to make your amends as suggested by your sponsor, and if they don't work out lke you expect them to, move on, don't ever sit in self-pity ... it will lead you back to the place you're trying to forget ...
Thanks Pappy. This is actually what Im doing I guess. I should probably forget about some things soon...
Usually our amends are accepted well, and those we do that with usually are glad to see us making the effort to improve ourselves, but this is not always the case ... sometimes we do a living amends where those closest people to us take a 'see it to believe it' attitude ... no matter, we simply continue on our course to complete the steps and sometimes repeating steps to ensure we did them correctly and with total honesty ...
You're doing great ... keep up the good work ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
thanks pappy. Now that I think about it, when I look at the number of nights I've sat here and stared at the walls, I dont know what Im waiting for and I guess I just leave right now.
Well that was a helluva tirade, hope you feel better for getting it off your chest.
Let's look at some of the stuff - others describe you as a loser, a low life, a waste of pay and rations. Short form serneity prayer maybe called for - Fukkem. everyone is entitled to their opinion and it's worth exactly what you pay for it - usually shag all.
amking amends - sometimes it ain't like in the book, sometimes people just aren't interested, sometimes they don't believe - you've made the verbal, face to face amends, move on (my adult children have basically told me to shove my amends up my arse - it's taken several years to realise that they are only doing what get's them through the night and I make ongoing amends by keeping out of their lives. Hurts but although my hand of friendship is extended, I'm not standing waiting for them to catch up - my life needs living for me, may I suggest you do the same?)
Years of negative messages - tell someone they're a waste of pay and rations long enough and they'll believe it - it's brainwashing, reinforce someones sense of low self esteem and they'll suck it all up - learn and grow within this fellowship, learn that you are a person of worth and you'll believe yourself to be a person worth it.
Hey, I try to remember that I'm no better than any man and no man is better than me...........seems to work for me.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I just read Mr David & BikerBill's reply ... they have given EXCELLENT 'feedback' here ... and I agree, the 'Serenity Prayer' works wonders in situations like this ... (if you 'believe') ...
Faith is sometimes hard to come by, it took a good while for me to actually believe in a 'power greater than me' and when I discovered that there indeed WAS, I called that power God ... Then with that idea firmly implanted in my two little brain cells, my faith grew and I have seen and experienced many miraculous things since ...
Then I was able to grow in the 'now' and not be left to my own devices to stay stuck in the past ... That make sense? ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
There's something we read at the beginning of every meeting we have here:
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
pg. 58 ... Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 30th of September 2012 05:03:54 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Brian, it sounds like you swallowed up the sickness that was handed out to your from your family. There are probably multiple programs to be worked here includng alanon and ACOA. Yes, it is horrible that you had to come up in that environment. BUT - you are a miracle and don't forget it. You have been able to grasp AA and that is wonderful. It's going to take a long time to let people in more. Depending on our upbringings, I have know folks in AA that were not able to form really trusting and healthy relationships for a long long time...but they kept coming back. Folks in AA will become your new family and your new reference for how to care about others. Let your peers and your AA family make up for what you didn't have in your childhood. It's okay to talk about this stuff and work through it. The resentments you are describing cut really deep and even going through the steps 1 x is probably not enough to be cleansed of it. It's going to take quite a while of stepping out of your comfort zone and letting healthy support in so that there is no more room for that toxic crap your parents brought you up on. No matter how long it takes for you to feel better, this is only going to happen if you stick with your program.
I love my parents and they were not as dysfunctional as you describe your family - Even still....My sponsor is the first adult male that has been available to me to show me how to be a man and to deal with adult challenges while telling me I am a good person and believing in me. It took a couple years to incorperate that caring into my own perception of self. For some reason, I didn't get it from my parents either.
What you are doing is amazing. Alcoholism is a family illness and for sure the family and the illness will work to pull you back. Recovery and this family you having going with AA can love you back to health and suffice til you love yourself in a way that allows you to grow and flourish into the person your HP really wants you to be. It's scary to not really have the backing of your family, let alone to have so much trauma with them. Nonetheless, that is what will make your story all the more powerful for others.
Stick with this Brian. Your HP didn't carry you this far to drop you on your butt. Things will unfold over time. You will not feel so isolated and confused if you keep working the program.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
After Writing this thread, I decided to take a real hard look at my life and I think Ive got the crux of the problem figured out. I'm having trouble moving on because Im not applying the power of Positive thinking!! It seems Ive gotten my life back through this program but I havent fully let go of something. Ive been stuck somewhere and I think Ive got it now. I think I need to see the positive side of things more and take a step forward and I can get over this a lot quicker. When I think about it now, I dont think my family was that bad, I just think theres been some real hard problems to overcome, but in the end I cant really hold an upset about it. I think Ive got the part figured out where Ive been stumped and Im Gonna create a thread about it here. Positive thinking is a skill that a lot of people learn, a lot of people dont, but its a good one. Thanks everyone for your replys.
Atta boy, Brian. Keep that positive vibe going. You're gonna make it, just wait and see.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 30th of September 2012 10:08:48 PM
Thanks Mark. I also wanna say that I dont hate my family, One day I'd like to be on good terms with all of them again. They, like me, suffered with the same alcoholic issues and it was chaotic, but they were good people, it just like you said has made it hard to get on my feet and on my way again.
Well that was a helluva tirade, hope you feel better for getting it off your chest.
Let's look at some of the stuff - others describe you as a loser, a low life, a waste of pay and rations. Short form serneity prayer maybe called for - Fukkem. everyone is entitled to their opinion and it's worth exactly what you pay for it - usually shag all.
amking amends - sometimes it ain't like in the book, sometimes people just aren't interested, sometimes they don't believe - you've made the verbal, face to face amends, move on (my adult children have basically told me to shove my amends up my arse - it's taken several years to realise that they are only doing what get's them through the night and I make ongoing amends by keeping out of their lives. Hurts but although my hand of friendship is extended, I'm not standing waiting for them to catch up - my life needs living for me, may I suggest you do the same?)
Years of negative messages - tell someone they're a waste of pay and rations long enough and they'll believe it - it's brainwashing, reinforce someones sense of low self esteem and they'll suck it all up - learn and grow within this fellowship, learn that you are a person of worth and you'll believe yourself to be a person worth it.
Hey, I try to remember that I'm no better than any man and no man is better than me...........seems to work for me.
This is the situation. The voices in my head are that of the Sh*t I heard every day growing up. I walk away from it again and again but its like its tatooed on me. I want to have a good time, I want to have a good family life, but its like the the stuff I heard has become my life, and I get past it, but I never do.
I believe Im a good person, Im a winner, someone as good as the next, but then it comes around again.
Thanks Everyone for your posts too. It feels good to talk about this stuff, If I can get over it and get on my way is all Ive been wanting for a long time.
After Writing this thread, I decided to take a real hard look at my life and I think Ive got the crux of the problem figured out. I'm having trouble moving on because Im not applying the power of Positive thinking!! It seems Ive gotten my life back through this program but I havent fully let go of something. Ive been stuck somewhere and I think Ive got it now. I think I need to see the positive side of things more and take a step forward and I can get over this a lot quicker. When I think about it now, I dont think my family was that bad, I just think theres been some real hard problems to overcome, but in the end I cant really hold an upset about it. I think Ive got the part figured out where Ive been stumped and Im Gonna create a thread about it here. Positive thinking is a skill that a lot of people learn, a lot of people dont, but its a good one. Thanks everyone for your replys.
Hey Closer, This is really helping me a bunch so thanks for the honesty. After going through your thread, I got a crazy suggested solution: Distance. I am just throwing it out there and I only want you to consider it, but what is holding you in your present location? If you are going to find a new job anyway, could you move a couple hours down the road? The reason I say that is--its not too far to keep up with the family--yet it gives you some distance from all the habitual and geographical reminders of the bad times. It gives you a fresh start with a new community. It is tough, but I throw it out there because it really helped me when I was about your age, and possibly you could mark a few towns out and drop some resumes, and check out some of the prospective town's AA meetings. Its not that I want to make you run away from anything, I am just suggesting you might need a new start. Sometimes if you can not find a solution, you just shake up the variables. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Closer - you latched on to a simple but profound concept. I am a counselor and have known for many years I needed to think more positively, yet I couldn't do it until I got sober and can't stay in that frame of mind without ongoing use of the program. I had been educated beyond fully in Cognitive Behavior Therapy and STILL COULDN'T think positively. It's a simple concept. It involves something spiritual that I only could implement once I came to AA.
I needed to adopt simple slogans also such as "Easy does it" and "Self-pity is my enemy" in order to change. I know that utilzing these slogans when the negative thoughts come in is the same as a cognitive behavioral strategy called "thought blockiing" but just cuz I knew that didn't mean I did it until I really really let go and rolled with the program. It took work and constant practice to go against my default - which was automatically to perceive things negatively.
Stick with this and be vigilant. It's a simple concept but takes work to change. You are basically talking about developing faith. It's there to be had.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
