Tonight has been difficult. With the exception of a quick flash a couple nights ago, I haven't felt the urge to drink in a while. I had a really good day and was feeling great when I got home from work. I took a short drive to the grocery store for some dinner ingredients, made a big meal, and settled on the couch with a book. I was doing great until I was hit hard with the fantasy of drinking a cup of rum. I tried to read my way through it, and couldn't focus. I got up and started cleaning my kitchen, and listed in my head of all the relationships I have messed up as a result of my drinking. That helped a lot, and then I felt the compulsion to spend some time here writing. After reading some of my old posts, as well as posts from others, the urge to drink has already diminished greatly. I'm thankful for that.
One of the ways that I have justified my drinking during the past ten years is by telling myself that I "deserve" to feel as "good" as alcohol has made me feel because I work so hard. I grew up in a home without a lot of money, was the first person in my family to go to college (and am still paying off my loans), and now work 50-60 hours a week on a college campus helping students who face a lot of the struggles that I did when I was in their shoes. In addition to that, I am the domestic partner in my marriage. I do all of the cooking and the overwhelming majority of the cleaning, and don't really spend a lot of free time doing much besides reading. I really love my life, but am also frequently exhausted and needing to find ways to take care of myself. This past year I started seeing a therapist (who I love) and am exercising more. Still, when I get particularly stressed the voice in the back of my head says, "Adam, you DESERVE to unwind. Have a drink..."
In reality, I know that what I *really* deserve is to wake up every morning feeling proud of myself for staying sober. What I really deserve is to be in control of my life and refrain from doing stupid stuff that I regret in a self-loathing haze at 4am. What I really deserve is a healthy body and clear mind, and more money to spend on things that bring me enduring fulfillment. What I really deserve is to live every second of my life with presence. What I really deserve is to conquer a disease that has spent a significant amount of my life trying to pull me into darkness.
Alcoholism. My heart goes out in full to every person dragged down by this - to all the people who are hurting and living with the nightmare. At the same time, I am so gratful for meetings and spaces like this one that allow some of us to fight it in the company of others who have done the same. It is, quite literally, a lifesaver.
Respectfully,
Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Thats a good post adam. Keep on the sober path cause it keeps getting better. No use in giving in to the craving and getting pulled into the "darkness" as you called it. Good for you,
Hey Adam,thanks for sharing..continue to do the work ,there will be a time when the desire to use alcohol is lifted and if even slightly interested there comes a recoil. The miracle of "losing the desire to drink' is truly something, something we may not even be able to pinpoint but just think what a miracle is that!Lose the desire! .WE lose our fear of the demon ,but it is all based on working toward a daily fit spiritual condition.Even after decades of being free from the monster the thought that its too bad I can't catch a buzz rears its tallons ,but it is just that ,,too bad(like a diabetic needing insulin,im sick and cannot take that 'FIRST ONE)...WE do learn how to unwind in a lucid manner another of the blessings of remaining focused and working our process..It gets good,then it gets real good and then it gets REAL.Way to go,taking a look inside,sharing your feelings and making good decisions...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks for sharing. It is good that you are using the tools of this forum and "playing the movie all the way through" when the thought of drinking came into your head.
Keep working the steps and good things will come to pass.
I was thinking about the same part of the book as Mike page 84 and 85 below. Of course this comes as we are working the 10th step
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
