I apologize for continuing to harp on this, but for the past two days I have been thinking a lot about the reality of alcohol making blissful promises it fails to deliver. As if that were not insideous enough, it not only fails to deliver but uses our trust and weakness to destroy us. And neither intelligence nor willpower is a useful defense. About ten minutes ago I was getting ready for a night out with my wife for our anniversary - 2 years! - and a dangerous thought crossed my mind. I thought to myself, "You know... I could have *a* glass of champagne tonight, and it would be wonderful." I pictured the bubbles in the dim light of a restaurant. I heard the sound of the soft pour. I practically felt the warm glow of the beverage lighting up my insides. Like one of those ridiculous Hallmark commercials, I even saw my wife and I clinking glasses and gazing into one another's eyes. Um... what the dumb hell?
After shaking myself awake I needed to consciously remember that this EXACT scenario is what has led me into every horrific "morning after" that I have experienced in the past ten years. I took a moment and asked my higher power to take away the sparkly illusion. It did. (And now I'm really craving a ginger ale.) As much of a blessing as this is, I continue to be bewildered by how powerful the allure of alcohol can be. For the past two days I have been ranting and raving about how alcohol is a liar and how it has destroyed so many facets of my life. And yet, the draw is so powerful that it can make me entertain the idea of trying it "one more time," or "just having one or two." Gag. I guess what I find most unreal about it all is that I consider myself an extremely rational person with a signature propensity to understand cause and effect. I don't even j-walk. Yet, booze, the hypnotic devil with beautiful eyes and promises of happiness, remains a threat and I imagine will continue to for the rest of my life. And I hate it because of that.
And so I will continue to work the steps and go to meetings while fighting the good fight.
Anyway, thanks for letting me process this and write so much. I know I've been doing it a lot lately, but it's really helped me quite a bit.
Respectfully,
Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
No apologies necessary ... we all need to hear these words from time to time ... I had the same thoughts as you about going to dinner with the wife, and getting something to celebrate the occasion with ... but after a couple of years, those thought don't bother to visit me anymore, thank God ... I was in such sad shape when I got into the program the last time, I dedicated a lot of time going to meetings and working in other service areas too ... I needed those couple of years to hit it hot and heavy ...
Then as the third and fourth years passed, I noticed ... I haven't even been tempted to drink in a long time ... it's become a reflex for me to repel alcohol all together now, even when a thought tries to enter my head about drinking, I think, where did that come from and instinctively think on something else ...
Good topic ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for the post. I agree with what you said, alcohol pulls us in as if its a nice holiday around a campfire, but it really just drags us down emotionally, mentally, physically, etc... and it never really gives us the promises it seems to make. Good post.
Adam - you know you are getting clarity when you are stumbling across deep thoughts but ones that other recovering alcoholics have had. There is a poem I heard a few years ago in a meeting about just this topic:
Why I drank:
I drank for happiness and became unhappy; I drank for joy and became miserable. I drank to be out-going and became self-centred; I drank for sociability and became argumentative and lonely; I drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious. I drank for friendship and made enemies, I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self-pity; I drank for sleep and awakened without rest. I drank for strength and felt weak. I drank for masculinity and it sapped my potency; I drank medicinally and got sick. I drank because I thought my job called for it and lost my job. I drank to stimulate thought and blacked out. I drank to make conversation and got to where I couldn't talk at all; I drank to forget and became haunted. I drank for freedom's sake and became a slave. I drank for power and became powerless; I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply. I drank to cope with life and invited death...
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Great posts guys:) wow, yes. When I began drinking, it was with intent. By this I mean, I started with drinking jack Daniels straight.. I was a 12 year old little girl trying to prove a point. I was all punk rock and into literature- I fancied myself a writer. All of the greatest figures in both literature and music were drunks, right? Isn't that what made them so great? That self- destructive intense madness was what I strived for- and I certainly got it! Haha, no 'greatness' accompanied it. I truly romanticized this mad drunk thing for most of my drinking. I believe it was you, Adam, who also made mention of this in a prior post. Just yesterday, I experienced a fleeting desire for this.. It passed. The great thing about being sober, for me, is the recognition of the fact that moments pass.. I don't get stuck in a moment or a thought very often anymore:)
