First and foremost..thanks for even reading this. I apologize that this isn't in the right folder/board area. I just need support, ideas, compassion and some kind of empathy.
Background:
I am engaged to my boyfriend of going on 7 yrs. He has addiction issues of his own I believe are pills. The only major addiction I ever really had was to cigarettes. I never really though alcohol was an issue. I could be a casual drinker with people when they were drinking. But that was really only beer.. which after the first beer (love the first beer taste) it gave me a headache so then I would quickly just retreat to the big H20.
I was a stay at home mom since 2008. I had a new baby in 2009. So stayed home with her.. then got a new job just last year in september at the same time my fiance (who is a carpenter), his work slowly decreased to where all the pressure was on me to bring the bread home. He started to find side jobs which really started to work at night cutting down trees. Painting, rebuilding others porches and such. So as soon as I would get off work I'd rush home to give him the car and stay home with the kids. Work was really stressful.. my supervisor were extremely demeaning and sexist and racist. The owners were Korean and would constantly give me these "pep talks" about how koreans work 67+ hours a weeek and how worthless I was that I didn't work that much.. then when I would ASK for more hours would tell me they couldn't afford to pay me to work that much and I'd need to cut back. I have no racial issues with anyone even the koreans... but this one supervisor always seemed to throw this in my face. I soon became misreable at this place. Constant daily talk downs by supervisors by how awful my store was then telling me what needed to be done right then 4 hours later being literally yelled at because no changed had been made. I recorded conversations and called my fiance from my coat pocket so he could be a witness and hear what i was going thru so my complaints at home weren't unvalid. But given the circumstances and we just weren't making enough rent for me to quit, i stayed.
The place I worked at was in a shopping center BEHIND a liquor store. The liquor store opened at 9am. I had to be at work at 9:30a.. I was the GM so I had to make money runs for rolled coins and extra cash and oh there was a bank right next to the liquor store.. eventually temptation gave in and I started buying the smaller bottles of Jack Daniels whiskey because thats what I am familiar with. I would have them in my truck and wait til I got home.. the kids would have their dinners, baths, then bedtime and my Fiance would be at work and I'd just take a few shots to "unwind" and destress.. boy if I had known where this would eventually go?!
Needless to say.. This became a constant thing. I preferred to drink alone because first who likes being told they are drunk when (in fact YOU ARE?!) its an anger button thats get pushed. The guilt I would feel but the anxiety and nervousness I felt before drinking was so overwhelming. Drinking just made it go away. I was actually able to relax and sit still and not think constantly about work and getting yelled at for no reason.
I finally quit that job earlier this year in march. My drinking ceased to a halt. (thank god) Then My fiance's work picked up.. he also decided to let this guy he was working with to move in to our garage and help with bills. This guy likes to drink to. So he buys these big bottles of vodka. He's about my parents age. He's super nice and him and I we trade off on buying the bottles of vodka every week. MY GOD.. I swear I think I'm an alchoholic. My father drinks a lot. Constantly. he's never been a violent drunk but more of a happy hippie drunk. But that doesnt mean he might not be an alcoholic. And now I think I might be. I think about taking a shot of vodka in the MORNING. Because no one is here and I enjoy drinking ALONE. But once you take one.. you want another. The only reason this hasn't broken out into an all out arguement between my fiace and I is because by some grace of god.. I havent been caught out of my wits falling down drunk.. but he has accused me of being drunk in the middle of the day over the phone in person, I lie and say no. But he doesnt push it. I know he has a pill addiction, I've confronted him before, I also know better, I only confront him about his pill issues when he's not on them. and after seven years of being around him constantly I know the difference. At this point I don't have any arguement with his addictions because of mine. I am interested in building a stronger will on my own. Every night before bed I tell myself I will not touch the vodka.. for the past week. I have done great. I do have my weaknesses.. In the mornings when everyone leaves for work or school I think "Great NO ONE is here, I can go grab a shot.. " But I seem to detour myself and my thoughts away and I don't. I just feel at this point I need support. I don't want my fiance or my family to be dragged into this. I understand for most a close knit support group is great to have. But I NEED to handle this on my own. I don't want to create an issue within the family and I don't want it out there and known that I had a drinking problem or HAVE a drinking problem.
I am interested in finding ways of getting along life without even the thought of alcohol. I haven't had a shot of vodka or any alcohol in my system in over a week. I don't want to get to the point of drinking that I need it as a nutrient for my body. I worry so much about what my children see. I may hide it, but I know I'm different and since they are so young right now I don't want this to be a major memory of their childhood.
Again sorry so long. Thank you for reading. I wanted to make sure i gave my background of where I feel this first started.. the in between and where I am at now. I have never known anyone involed in AA.. I dont think I could ever really get away to a local AA meeting this is the closest I have ever come to asking for help for what I feel is a drinking addiction for ME. I just need encouragement and support to just stay away! I love my family and my children dearly, but I understand that just as a human being sometimes succombing to ones selfishness (because we can sometimes justify a reason to think of only ME) is not always the right way to release frustration and anxiety.
Well, you certainly are in a dilemma here ... to seek help without going to AA meetings ? ... ... ... go to some meetings would be my first suggestion ... However, there are those, like you, that just want to keep this to themselves and not let the 'cat out of the bag' so to speak ... if your drinking habit is approaching my old habits, then you're not keeping anything from anybody, they already know ... I hid my drinking at several places I worked, only to find out later, everyone new I had a problem but were just too nice to approach me about it ...
If you can't, or don't want to attend meetings (usually our friends and family are relieved to see us get help when we do decide to go), then I do suggest you get a copy of our AA 'Big Book' as we call it and a copy of our 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions' ... Read the Alcoholics Anonymous book, at least the 1st 164 pages and 'Dr. Bob's Nightmare' following that ... After reading this, you'll have a great understanding of where you fit in the scheme of being an alcoholic or not ...
Those of us here on this internet forum are here to share our Experience, Strength, and Hope ... so we'll help you the best way we know how ... we are often brutally honest and you need to be prepared to hear some things you may not want to hear or admit to ...
We can only help you IF you stick around and give us the chance to ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome Ga Sunrise! For me, I couldn't get and stay sober on my own. With Alcoholism, it's not about self will. We may have strong will in other area's of our life, but not with controlling drinking. I tried and failed miserably. But, I did accumulate some much needed humility and pain to get to a point of surrendering.
Alcoholism is a diesase- a mental obsession, physical compulsion and a spritual loss of values. Alcohol is but a symptom of our diesase. For me, it was my solution to life and events contained there in. I too was fearful of what others may think or say. That was my self centeredness rooted in fear. Everyone else knew I had a drinking problem. Eventually, the emotional and physical pain became too much and I had to surrender to the fact that I was an Alcoholic. Now, what was I going to do about it.
I ask for help from others who walked the road before me. I listened and did what they told me to do- even if I didn't want to. I learned that The Diesase was much more than drinking. If I didn't change the person that I was(my thinking, feeling and acting), I was sure to drink again. I went to meetings, got a Sponsor, listened, took action, went through The 12 Steps, found a HP and I changed. The obession to drink was lifted. My thinking, feeling and behavoir changed. I was no longer fearful of my diesase, but grateful that I was given The Gift of AA. I found everything I was looking for in a bottle right here in AA.
Probably a lot of info here, I tried to keep in light, but my fingers just kept typing. Please come back and help us stay sober.
Yeah - wow - what has been said is just amazing. These guys on this board have a lot of sobriety - and know what they're talking about. I couldn't say it better... but I am going to say welcome! It's great that you're reaching out, and looking for help - on your own - for YOU and your family. I have been a moderate drinker, but when the opportunity was presented that, I was alone a lot, for whatever reason, I drank any and all times of the day - and soon began to feel more and more hollow - more like a bottomless pit for alcohol - and more alone, even though I have a very loving and wonderful family.
I also know the feeling of wanting to keep it hidden from the world - but people told me as time goes on - as I work the program, things will change, and I may even get past that feeling. Well, now at 6 months - today actually - I am feeling a lot more okay with being in recovery. I don't go around telling friends and just anyone, I am a teacher - and some anonymity is important for me - but there have been so many changes through working the steps - being okay talking about it to people who do know, like my husband and family - is something I'm at ease with now. I didn't think that could possibly ever be.
Welcome again - keep posting, it was a great start - so just keep coming back : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Welcome Ga Sunrise! For me, I couldn't get and stay sober on my own. With Alcoholism, it's not about self will. We may have strong will in other area's of our life, but not with controlling drinking. I tried and failed miserably. But, I did accumulate some much needed humility and pain to get to a point of surrendering.
Alcoholism is a diesase- a mental obsession, physical compulsion and a spritual loss of values. Alcohol is but a symptom of our diesase. For me, it was my solution to life and events contained there in. I too was fearful of what others may think or say. That was my self centeredness rooted in fear. Everyone else knew I had a drinking problem. Eventually, the emotional and physical pain became too much and I had to surrender to the fact that I was an Alcoholic. Now, what was I going to do about it.
I ask for help from others who walked the road before me. I listened and did what they told me to do- even if I didn't want to. I learned that The Diesase was much more than drinking. If I didn't change the person that I was(my thinking, feeling and acting), I was sure to drink again. I went to meetings, got a Sponsor, listened, took action, went through The 12 Steps, found a HP and I changed. The obession to drink was lifted. My thinking, feeling and behavoir changed. I was no longer fearful of my diesase, but grateful that I was given The Gift of AA. I found everything I was looking for in a bottle right here in AA.
Probably a lot of info here, I tried to keep in light, but my fingers just kept typing. Please come back and help us stay sober.
Great post Mike, that about sums it up, nothing I can add.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Your "need" to keep this to yourself is an illusion. Not sure why you feel the need to cling to your shame rather than admit having a problem. This is about your LIFE. It's not to be played with and it's not a contest with your fiance about who has less addictions. His pill addiction is completely separate and unrelated.
AA is about so much more than drinking. You don't know for sure why you are prone to this. After a while the alcoholism takes on a life of it's own. My suggestion to you is to go to some AA meetings. That can be done on your own and nobody has to know.
I think that once you do that you will feel less shame just like you probably did in coming here. It's not shameful to have a problem. It's shameful to have one, to know about it, and to not get help. You are not weak for developing this problem but you can be strong by treating it aggressively through active participation in AA.
My experience when I thought I could handle it on my own and keep it under wraps was that it was a constant demon on me - I could never really build a sober life. I never developed the skills to stay away from the 1st drink. I stayed the same shameful and sick person and I always drank again.
So...you might be able to just stop on your own. It's happened before. I wish you luck. All of us here have tried that and not succeeded and had it blow up in our faces. Worse things can happen than your fiance and children finding out you have a drinking problem (i.e., relapsing and having your bottom sink lower - which is ultimately likely if you don't get help).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
