One of the main things I'm doing in recovery is I'm going back and I'm filling in all the growth I missed, probably since about age 12 or 10 or even 8, I can't remember some days what it was really like being me at that age. Even my teenage years and definitely my 20s are a blur...some might say that's from drinking but I wasn't drunk all the time, some might say it's because I'm getting older and the memories are slipping away, I don't think that's it.
I mean basically when youre' so full of self-centered fear all the time and trying to get through life with a mask on gosh forbid someone should see who i really am, how can you be present? And if you're not present in this moment right now how can you remember it? It's like it's gone forever...a moment lived but not lived.
So this fear thing, it's got to be outgrown as much as possible as I go through life and recover. More God, less me. A simple procedure for inventorying that takes away the fears little by little...sometimes we don't even realize how much we grownas we continue it. Like being afraid my mother and father will die...I know they'll die and it'll be rough but I'll be ok. Or being afraid of what everyone thinks of me and always running from town to town and meeting to meeting when things go wrong...today I can have the courage to be myself and not invite in trouble or react to it when it's there.
I don't have to stay on the fringes of life anymore wearing my mask...I have one shot left at this and it's either get the courage to be myself or not. Of course as a worker for God this means I don't fight anyone or anything, I tolerate situations I don't like, but my demeanor shows who I am and I've got a little self-esteem today...I can be myself withuot apology for who I am, what i do, or Who my God is.
As for gossip and troubles or mistakes I make or people who want to live off my history...it's easily accessable to anyone who needs security...but I don't feel the need to defend myself, I know the woman I am today and I just keep following princples. The Big Book says when I'm on the firing line of life He will keep me unharmed and if it's in the Book I know it's true, it's something I can rely on.
So basically all I have to do is accept the plan outlined in the Big Book and do the work...we continue to grow with each passing month...and our fears diminish as we inventory, pray, and carry the message and work for God. It's a way of life that makes life worth living, a deep rich fulfilling life. For an alcoholic like me with all kinds of grave emotional and mental disorders, the hopes of not being a consumer of the mental health system or faking it through life is a great hope...
I'll ask God to be with me today, I'll bring Him into the picture of my life and spend some time with Him...He loves that.
Go out into the world and give your best today, put some positive energy out there and watch what you get back, most of the time anyway...
God bless, enjoy your day
-- Edited by odat on Wednesday 19th of September 2012 04:14:01 AM
Yes, being present is key, turn it over to God and keep chopping wood and carrying the water.
I like to remember that I have lived through hundreds of catastrophies.....none of which actually ever happend.
I love the 4th step section on fears in the book....we listed our fears on paper and asked God why we had them ?????
Later it says we commenced to outgrow fear at once. Although it did take some practice, the prospect of immediate gratification always appeals to me, progress can happen sooner than we think.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thank you for carrying the message Odat! Wonderful share to read this morning. I pray that I do God will for me today. To do and be as he would have me today.
" I can be myself without apology for who I am, what i do, or Who my God is." I love this. Great reminder!
There are many things workers for God have to tolerate and put up with in the world...these are the things we can use to help ourselves grow and build a tolerance to pain, so as we mature the pain burns less. It wasn't meant to be easy...God is in the business of making saints. God bless, don't give up, you're strong.
Great post! I identified with lots of it. Big portions of my life are like a blur to me. I suffered through life for a long time. I don't suffer any more.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
