The way it was explained to me Vixen, was that I had spent years heavily into my addiction ... Being the selfish alcoholic that most of us are ... by doing so, and trying to say I was sorry, over and over and over again, my family got numb to those occasions because when I drank again, I tore down any trust I was trying to regain ...
So, they told me that I had to make a living amends to those I repeatedly let down over the years ... to show them that I wasn't just using 'WORDS' this time, that I, in fact, had changed ... and this was the only way to regain any amount of trust ...
My wife can come home now and not have to expect me to be passed out on the couch ... She can see the work I've done and sit with me in meaningful conversation now instead of going to bed crying that I was just wasting away like some spoiled fruit ...
I was told that my 'word' didn't mean anything any more, that it was only by living the program that others could see the change and come to trust I would be available when I was needed ...
essentually to be able to be trusted again ... (depending on our length of drunkenness, living amends can take years)
Great question by the way ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
P.S. Everyday we spend sober is a day of living amends to our family and friends ... some things will go without saying!
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 17th of September 2012 12:00:18 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately and would love to hear your opinions on it.
I often hear about staying sober as a living amend to those you have hurt/damaged/affected with your drinking. On one hand I understand that. Staying sober does halt that particular type of chaos. On the other hand, it just seems like that is something a person is supposed to do, not create discord with an addiction.
Therefore, is doing something "right" really making an amend to another or is it how a healthy human being is supposed to be? Is being sober a gift to others or a normal way of living that is to be expected of us?
It seems to me, to make a living amends, it should go further than just not drinking. The amends comes in when you correct the damage by growing and changing as a person, not just because you didn't get loaded. I think my amends to others comes when I change my thinking and behaviors to less selfish, self-centered ones, when I put their needs ahead of my wants, when I challenge myself to do the right thing and not the easy one.
Surely the people in our lives benefit from not having us drunk, but I don't know if that is enough to say I made an amends to them. I make the amends when I follow through on being a better, kinder, wiser person...not just a sober one.
Any thoughts on this?
__________________
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Great post Vixen. For me, it goes beyond not drinking. It means CHANGE. Change to the way I think, feel and act.
I think you hit it right on the head with this statement:
" It seems to me, to make a living amends, it should go further than just not drinking. The amends comes in when you correct the damage by growing and changing as a person, not just because you didn't get loaded. I think my amends to others comes when I change my thinking and behaviors to less selfish, self-centered ones, when I put their needs ahead of my wants, when I challenge myself to do the right thing and not the easy one."
For me the only way to achieve this was to go through The 12 Steps and have a Spiritual Awakening. Then to maintain that Awakening by practicing The Principles(Steps) in all my affairs. Today, this is a design for living. One that really works. Prior to that, there was no amends, just selfish rhetoric steming from fear and self pity.
I'm with you all also. Amends means change and as I've changed the affect has been to those from my past and those in my present. Although I am alcoholic I no longer live like "Thee" alcoholic. That means that I had myself on the amends list also...I changed for me. Most important the amends puts me right with God and in place to be of use to God. This is better living than living had ever been during the drinking years.
Hi Vixen, I think your right about sobriety being a normal way of life, but in my opinion for an alcoholic, living like a normal person IS a form amends because your opposite behaviour may have hurt people in the past. I've noticed recently near my family that normal living is causing my family a lot of happiness, and as far as going further with it, Ive found weve moved past it and We've begun talking normal about where to move on to now that Im in better health. I think in my opinion living normal IS a form of amends because it can bring great relief to someone whos watched an alcoholic be at theyre worst. As far as going further with it I think that could be considered normal too, AA is about spiritual progress and not perfection, and everyones constantly trying to get somewhere Alcoholic or not, so theres no use in stopping somewhere, theres always room for improvement no matter how well your doing. Good share.
I have to agree with you Vixen. I believe there's more to an amends than just a simple apology. I believe the 12 & 12 defines it this way: "A genuine amends is about a change in our behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology". How true.
I couldn't make everything better just by saying I'm sorry, it required a more delicate touch. Carrying out the amends, through constant daily reflection, seemed a bit more practical given the level of destruction I caused. It was my way of restoring some level of dignity to the brokenness that defined my life.
Basically, I was atoning for all those past mistakes made during my active days. And what better way, of course, than through a living amends. I hope you agree.
Vixen, as I am very early in my sobriety I can't give much life experience with the iving amends but what you say makes sense. I am kind of living the life of "sorry isn't enough at this point, they are just words". I will have to prove myself a better person and I am just beginning to touch on that. I stated in an earlier post that a mirror was held to my face and I was told how horrible I was and how my friends really feel about me. As you said, and I agree, I will have to show them and rebuild that trust. I will have to learn to be less seflish and make a real amends.
Aliasisme - I said sorry to my husband the very first moment I could - day 1. I've made living amends every day since, and I do the best I can, simply meaning, there is no more saying "screw it" and getting drunk. Beyond that, well - there is the complete psychic change, and I agree with Vixen on that too. Finally, will come the delicate and purposeful amends that I will make to my husband in God's time. That time hasn't come yet. There have been a few times that things have been said - and they have been close, but I'm thoroughly prepared for this one to take a lifetime (that includes the one for my kids too).
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Vixen, the part of your post that says "how a healthy human being is supposed to be" kind of made me chuckle, because I have no idea what that person is like, since I have no first hand experience. A raging sick alcoholic, yes, a recovering alcoholic, yes. In my experience, I absolutely think that staying sober is a living amends, especially to my husband and children. This especially hits home when I look around my morning meeting and can count on two hands the people with any kind of long term sobriety. I've worked hard to get where I am, and they know it.
Thank you all for the replies. I feel I have a better understanding of it now. Someone I spoke to in my home group said that being sober is the very first step of a living amends, but for it to have any meaningful depth, it needs to move on from there. That seems to echo most of the sentiments here. I always love to hear how other people view things. It opens my eyes to different possibilities. Quite a change from when I always thought I knew best and knew it all. :)
__________________
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
You said, "It seems to me, to make a living amends, it should go further than just not drinking."
All the answers are in the Big Book. It says in step 9, "We feel a man is unthinking when he says sobriety is enough." It talks about coming up out of the cellar after a storm and saying, "Nothing the matter here, Ma!"
I feel that being sober is a wonderful thing but there is action to take and more action...the directions aren't clear enough to see them with one's own eyes...I needed to put my faith and trust in a big book study sponsor who knew the work inside and out...when I did my own work that answered all my questions.
I needed very specific instructions on how to make my amends, when, why, the wording, etc. I made direct amends to many and then tried to be a better friend, daughter, neighbor, etc. as you said, yes.
By the way, there are no directions for any of the steps in the 12 & 12. the directions have always been and will always be in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Those of us who did not know that for years can do it now too.
I think that living sober means more than not drinking. It does mean growing and changing and becoming a better person, so it fits the definition of a living amends. When it comes to my family, that is the amends I have been able to make. I have become a productive member of society, a better employee, a better parent, a better son, a better husband, a better friend. Progress not perfection. If I were still drinking, I wouldn't have these people in my life to make living amends to.
