How to drop a sponsor?

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

How to drop a sponsor?

SoberMomma · Member

I have been sober for 87 days today, and have been "working" with my sponsor for about 6 weeks now. In that 6 week timeframe, I have met with her once. We had planned on meeting two other times, and she cancelled on me both times. I call her every day (per her request) and on average, I actually talk to her twice a week. She rarely returns my calls, and a few times she has ignored my call (like it'll only ring twice before going to voicemail). Most of the time I don't feel like I really need to talk to her, because I'm struggling. But a few times I have really wanted her input. Once, I was very distraught over something and wanted to run some things by her. I called and left a voicemail explaining that I needed to please talk to her ASAP. I actually called her 3 or 4 times that day, trying to get ahold of her. She never called me back.

When I asked her to be my sponsor, she acted very excited. She has 12 years of sobriety, and said she had worked with sponsees in the past, but currently didn't have one and would like to.

I am doing well so far with my sobriety so far, and I am attending a meeting every day. But I really want to start working the steps with someone. Not because I'm thrilled to dig deep inside myself while working them, but because everyone says that's the only way to stay sober. And I really want this to work!

So I have a few questions: Is her contact with me (or lack thereof) normal for a sponsor/sponsee relationship? If not, how do I go about finding a new one? Do I just tell her it's not working out? Should I find a new sponsor before I drop my current one?

Thanks for the help!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello SoberMomma. There is no hard feelings when it comes to moving on to a new sponsor. I would suggest finding a new one first before letting her go. Somehow, "having a sponsor" albeit an unresponsive one, just feels better than not having one at all, especially with just under 90 days. Congrats in advance btw.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey SoberMomma, ...

I agree with Dean, I'd suggest finding a new sponsor first before letting the current one go ... I don't know why your sponsor is not responding as you'd expect, maybe other situations exist that hamper her ability to be available ... but I agree with Dean that you need close and frequent contact in the first 90 days for sure ... and you very much need someone who can spend the time with you to guide you through the steps ... someone who can't or is not willing to spend this time with you shouldn't be a sponsor to start with, in my book ...

Congrats on 87 days ... that's absolutely fantastic ...

Pappy

nezyb · Senior Member

turninggrey wrote:
If I remember correctly the protocol goes something like:

"I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee", and then you throw the dog poop on her shoes.

-- Edited by turninggrey on Saturday 15th of September 2012 10:04:05 PM

I love this forum and the people on it. I laughed out loud, literally, turninggrey.

Pappy and Dean have good ideas SoberMomma. Congrats on 87 days and thanks for stopping by. I've been wondering how you are doing. (((hugs)))

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

turninggrey wrote:
If I remember correctly the protocol goes something like:

"I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee", and then you throw the dog poop on her shoes.

Dog poop? I thought it was puke not poop. Seriously, though; I would change sponsors SoberMomma. My sponsor would 'make' the time even if he had a hectic schedule. That's why they're called sponsors by the way. They're our eyes, ears and voice of reason in early sobriety, so the least they can do is call us back. I hope your next sponsor treats you much better, or at least returns your calls. Just don't give up on A.A. altogether, it's still a great program overall. Like Dean and Pappy said, look for another sponsor and then make the call. It's just better that way. Onward dear...

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hey SoberMamma....congrats on 87 days and working your program.All good suggestions given here.I would also suggest once you locate a new sponsor to also approach your old sponsor and discuss the reasons you are moving on .This helps your sponsor to look inside at their behavior,gives you another opportunity to be honest(not always easy)and owning up to your own responsibilities.Maybe your sponsor hasn't helped you lately but there most likely was a period where they did.It keeps any resentments from building between you in the future and helps both .You can simply not call but that is a suggestion I wouldn't recommend(my stuff)Good job taking responsibility for your own recovery.A sponsor is just another person also working their own program and also needs help.12 years or 12 days WE all recover a day at a time, time doesn't equal recovery it just means WE may have had more practice..Do what is right for your recovery(we are responsible for that) and More is always revealed!! smile

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

SoberMomma wrote:
I have been sober for 87 days today, and have been "working" with my sponsor for about 6 weeks now. In that 6 week timeframe, I have met with her once. We had planned on meeting two other times, and she cancelled on me both times. I call her every day (per her request) and on average, I actually talk to her twice a week. She rarely returns my calls, and a few times she has ignored my call (like it'll only ring twice before going to voicemail). Most of the time I don't feel like I really need to talk to her, because I'm struggling. But a few times I have really wanted her input. Once, I was very distraught over something and wanted to run some things by her. I called and left a voicemail explaining that I needed to please talk to her ASAP. I actually called her 3 or 4 times that day, trying to get ahold of her. She never called me back.
When I asked her to be my sponsor, she acted very excited. She has 12 years of sobriety, and said she had worked with sponsees in the past, but currently didn't have one and would like to.
I am doing well so far with my sobriety so far, and I am attending a meeting every day. But I really want to start working the steps with someone. Not because I'm thrilled to dig deep inside myself while working them, but because everyone says that's the only way to stay sober. And I really want this to work!
So I have a few questions: Is her contact with me (or lack thereof) normal for a sponsor/sponsee relationship? If not, how do I go about finding a new one? Do I just tell her it's not working out? Should I find a new sponsor before I drop my current one?

I am glad you asked about it, SoberMama. No, this is not normal behavior for a sponsor. Something is wrong and you are totally correct in trying to correct the situation. As others have suggested, finding a new sponsor is a good idea to consider. To me, whether you get one before or after you release your current sponsor--should you decide to do that-- doesn't make much, if any difference.

Another option to consider is to have more than one sponsor--just in case one sponsor is busy/preoccupied.

Take a look at the sponsorship pamphlet in:

http://aa.activeboard.com/t50146639/sponsorship-pamphlet/

There are a few paragraphs in there that will will help.

People in AA are human and they sometimes falter in their interactions with other AA's. That seems to be the case with your sponsor. But we must remember that a sponsor doesn't keep one sober. It is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that keeps one sober. And the program includes the fellowship--meaning all other AA's, and meetings, and AA online forums, etc.

Let us know how it works out, SoberMama. Sounds like you're making progress. 87 days sober is not an accident. You must be doing some good work.

Isabell · Veteran Member

Congratulations on being serious about your program. I had a sponsor who had family obligations that were taking her out of town, and I couldn't get her on the phone very often. I'm trying to remember if she ever called me (lol.) I told her that I had thought about it, and meditated about it, and that I decided to find a sponsor who had more time on her hands. I told my sponsor that I thought we would be better friends than sponsor-sponsee at that time. She was glad that I brought it up and said that she knew she wasn't in a position to spend time with a sponsee. That's the first thought that I had when I read your post. My second thought is this. I am sponsored by a lot of people, not only by the poor, unfortunate soul who calls me her sponsee and sadly shakes her gray head and rubs her wrinkled brow. I call many other women in AA, and even a man who has 30 plus years of sobriety. I also post here. This alcoholic needs all the support she can get! Keep up the enthusiasm and dedication - you are an inspiration. (Oh, and I have not only been the dropp-er, I have been the drop-ee. My sobriety is a long and winding road.)

-- Edited by Isabell on Sunday 16th of September 2012 12:43:16 PM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You do need more support than that. I called my sponsor daily for a year and we met at least 3 or 4 times a week (usually before or after meetings). After a year, he had started a new business and he was less available, started cancelling meetings etc... I was mad at the time and I still needed lots of support, so I got a new sponsor - similar to your situation (except my 1st sponsor was available for that 1st year).

Anyhow, a graceful exit was essential in the form of "You have helped me so much and I am so grateful, but I feel like I need to work with someone who has more time for me since I'm so new."....that's the best way to go in my opinion.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

I agree with Tanin' about the multi sponsor approach. You can't have too many phone numbers in your wallet. Working the steps is essential, but when you have the slightest urge to drink, you need to call someone, on your way to a meeting. I will absolutely not drink today, it's not an option.

Toad · Senior Member

Hi,
Well something has been working correctly.
Almost 3 months sobriety is evidence.
At times not getting what I wanted was the best motivation around to help me take responsibility for my own recovery.
It took a bit of time for this alcoholic to discover the world did not revolve around me.
Just a thought ----------
Great things await -----
All is well.
Toad

Shane Shane shane · Newbie

My little sister and I were talking on the phone, she was sharing with me that my mother and her were fighting. So, she laid out point by point the hurts and disappointments she was feeling. As I was listening my thoughts drifted from yah! Tell her what she doing to you, wow! She's really pissed right now, I think I should be getting back to work, and I really love our mom and wouldn't want anyone talking to her from a place of anger. As the conversation continued, it was my moment to say something which went something like say what you need to say to her, she's your mother, say it from a place of love not out of anger and remember no ones perfect. Thanks for letting me share.

Db1105 · Senior Member

I agree with Tanin, read the pamphlet on sponsorship, ask someone else to sponsor you, just tell your old sponsor it's not working out and you're moving on. She should know why.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Shane, and welcome to the board!

odat · Senior Member

A few things here. i think what you want to do is "let go" of your sponsor. We always want to be kind and considerate in all our relationships and this is a good place to practice. If you want to let go of her, try to have courage and tell her either face-to-face at a meeting or on the phone (not voice mail unless you absolutely have to) that you are going to work with a different sponsor and thank her for the help she gave you.

A few other things. No human being should have that much time for one sponsee, a call every day on an ongoing basis? As a sponsor I would only be able to work with one or two people in that fashion.

I meet with my sponsees for 1 hour and 15 minutes once a week and the whole time is spent on the work itself. They are so busy doing their step work at home that they don't need me much aside from that, they are already in the solution by doing their own work. Sometimes they need 1 phone call a week when something big comes up, other than that they are learning how to deal with things with God in their own work.

You are correct that the steps ae the way to go. I would seek out a Big Book Step meeting and go and watch for the women who seem serious about doing the work and committed to the process. Ask God for help and He will guide you to the right person. You've got good willingness.

One last thing: I return everyone's calls within 48 hours. Always. It's part of the discipline I learned in my own process. Also, if I call someone I wait for them to return my call, i don't call again. That shows me who is truly able to do this and who is not. I don't push people to answer me, it's not necessary. I can always move on to other folks.

A sponsor's main job is to guide the new woman through the steps and a sponsee's job is to do the steps.

It just works that way.

-- Edited by odat on Monday 17th of September 2012 07:11:03 AM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

The only thing I question here odat, is the return phone calls ... When my sponsees call

and I can't pick up for any number of reasons, I always call them back immediately upon

discovering the missed call ... You said you call back within 48 hr's ... that to me sounds like

an extremely long wait, especially if one of them is fighting the urge to drink ...

kinda' like me carrying a gun, legally ... I know, some don't care for that, but consider ...

when you need a policeman and 'seconds' count, they, the cops, are just minutes away ...

by the time you get assistance, you could be dead ...

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 17th of September 2012 10:43:17 AM

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to this forum, Shane.

Glad ya found us.

smile

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

odat wrote:
A few things here. i think what you want to do is "let go" of your sponsor. We always want to be kind and considerate in all our relationships and this is a good place to practice. If you want to let go of her, try to have courage and tell her either face-to-face at a meeting or on the phone (not voice mail unless you absolutely have to) that you are going to work with a different sponsor and thank her for the help she gave you.
A few other things. No human being should have that much time for one sponsee, a call every day on an ongoing basis? As a sponsor I would only be able to work with one or two people in that fashion.
I meet with my sponsees for 1 hour and 15 minutes once a week and the whole time is spent on the work itself. They are so busy doing their step work at home that they don't need me much aside from that, they are already in the solution by doing their own work. Sometimes they need 1 phone call a week when something big comes up, other than that they are learning how to deal with things with God in their own work.
You are correct that the steps ae the way to go. I would seek out a Big Book Step meeting and go and watch for the women who seem serious about doing the work and committed to the process. Ask God for help and He will guide you to the right person. You've got good willingness.
One last thing: I return everyone's calls within 48 hours. Always. It's part of the discipline I learned in my own process. Also, if I call someone I wait for them to return my call, i don't call again. That shows me who is truly able to do this and who is not. I don't push people to answer me, it's not necessary. I can always move on to other folks.
A sponsor's main job is to guide the new woman through the steps and a sponsee's job is to do the steps.
It just works that way.

-- Edited by odat on Monday 17th of September 2012 07:11:03 AM

Thanks for your explanations, odat.

How many sponsees do you have now?

vixen · MIP Old Timer

My sponsor had me called daily for the first 90 days and it was such a blessing. It helped me in a number of ways. It got me into the habit of picking up the phone and reaching out. She would always ask how I was feeling and it made me evaluate where I was at each day. Getting in touch with what I was really feeling after numbing my emotions for so long was very beneficial. It kept me in touch with the program even on days when I couldn't get to a meeting, though I did make meetings most days. I think for a newcomer daily calls are so valuable. I never felt alone and that is priceless when starting out. I agree with Pappy about the 48 hours. That does seem like a long wait. It seems kinder to tell a sponsee in advance if you will be unreachable. My sponsor and I had a standing phone date every morning at 8 am. I knew I could count on her to be there and it aided me in being responsible and honoring my word to call. Of course, things come up that can't be controlled, but in general, I held those appointments as sacred. I am so grateful this program brought me a sponsor that was perfect for me. :)

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

I'm of the "Toad" variety...I am responsible for my recovery and...I had a sponsor that told me that whenever and where ever I needed to reach out for help and he was not available...I was to contact the next number and then the next until I found someone to help me. That makes me a Toader I know. I won't do Turninggreys suggestion cause I don't hold on to dog poop for as long as I will say three times....I break with thee...LOL (((hugs))) smile

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

odat wrote:
Tanin wrote:
Thanks for your explanations, odat.
How many sponsees do you have now?

Tanin, I basically work with as many people as I can at once while knowing my limits.

How many people is that now, odat?

I'm curious.

-- Edited by Tanin on Tuesday 18th of September 2012 09:07:04 AM

odat · Senior Member

Tanin, I basically work with as many people as I can at once while knowing my limits.

Pappy, The idea here is to begin to help the sponsee rely on God, not another human being (me). I don't save people, that's playing God. I pass on a simple set of directions and my sponsees are so busy doing their own work that if I can't get back to them for a day or 2 they find they are actually able to sit with the pain they always avoided because they are in the solution of doing their own work at home with God. And so it was with me as well.

Pythonpappy wrote:

The only thing I question here odat, is the return phone calls ... When my sponsees call
and I can't pick up for any number of reasons, I always call them back immediately upon
discovering the missed call ... You said you call back within 48 hr's ... that to me sounds like
an extremely long wait, especially if one of them is fighting the urge to drink ...
kinda' like me carrying a gun, legally ... I know, some don't care for that, but consider ...
when you need a policeman and 'seconds' count, they, the cops, are just minutes away ...
by the time you get assistance, you could be dead ...

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 17th of September 2012 10:43:17 AM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

That is the whole point odat ... ... our sponsees are learning to trust and have faith in God ...
but this requires close guidance in the beginning (1st year) ... as they gain time and experience
in the program, they tend to rely on God more and more and tend to need less of our help ...

But when the call for help comes in, it is my responsibility to respond quickly, as if their sobriety
is at risk ... and I don't mind if it's something you or I might see as 'petty' or not, to them it's
the difference between knowing we care or not so much ... they need to be comforted in knowing
that we take their sobriety as seriously as we take our own ... this will serve them well on the future
when they themselves sponsor others ...

Now if the sponsee has multiple years, and simply wants to talk, then we have a different scenario
... then I might put them off for a 'call-back' until I can find a block of time convenient to discuss
an issue at length or just have a nice chat ...

You mentioned having a sponsee start relying on God rather than you ... consider this, God is
talking to your sponsee through you ... and if you wait an extended amount of time to respond
to your sponsee's call, then they may feel God is ignoring them too ... I'm just sayin', that's the
way I see it and I do my best to let my sponsees see God working through me by giving God the
credit for their success, not me ... I am happy living in sobriety and I wish for my sponsees to
find the same happiness that I have been so freely given ...

As a sponsor, I was told by my sponsor, that I may being awakened in the middle of the night
to answer a call for help ... that I will be asked to make time for sitting down with my sponsees
and guide them through the process ... that I will be called on when it's not convenient to me ...
that I must be willing to do these things before committing to another, to help them in the program ...

I do not take sponsorship lightly ... I hope, neither do you ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy