Hi everyone. This is my first time posting and I've never been to an AA meeting (well I have, but not for ME). So I hope I'm posting in the right forum...
My story: I lived my entire childhood with an abusive, rage-filled, depressed single mother. She got sober when I was 16. Although getting sober was an important step for her, the 2 years I lived with her after she was sober, she was still coping with rage and depression and taking it out on me. All the while, she was getting praise from family and friends for cleaning herself up. I was still living a nightmare but now I wasn't allowed to feel that when anymore, because my mom had "fixed" everything.
My family was also in denial. My father, who had divorced my mom when I was 8, made fun of her because she really wasn't an alcoholic. And I believed that too. She wasn't what you'd typically think of as an alcoholic. She didn't show up obviously drunk or embarrass me at school functions or make the neighbors talk. I rarely saw her drink. Or I didn't notice it. I thought of her "alcoholism" as an excuse for being a bad person.
And it felt better when my father ridiculed her for it, because then at least she was getting due credit for being a nutjob, rather than simply using an excuse. My therapist has helped me understand that this was denial. She was still hurting me when she was sober, physically and emotionally, but that doesn't mean I had to ignore that she also had a drinking problem. I guess 75% of me believes that, but 25% still has trouble admitting it.
Anyway, I've been working so hard recently, going to therapy, writing about how I feel, and trying to be more honest with myself. I left a job that I hated and have been pursuing what I love to do. I feel a lot happier, but it hit me the other night - if I'm so happy, why am I drinking a bottle of wine alone in my room right now? Why am I doing that nearly every night? I'm not out of control drunk all the time, but I'm clearly using alcohol as a crutch.
I know I still have a lot of work to do to overcome the issues I experienced when I was younger, but I can't help but think that an important step to getting there is to stop drinking!
But there's a slew of issues with me quitting drinking. I fear my father's ridicule and rejection just like he ridiculed my mother. I fear my mother's self righteous attitude because she's always been so preachy about alcohol. It's like me getting sober would be a win for her that I don't want her to have. It sounds stupid, but that's how I feel.
I've come a lot further with my mom and I can honestly tell her I love her now. And she's trying really hard too. She has owned up to things, not just the drinking, but everything. And I think she feels really really guilty for what happened, and I've forgiven her, or at least I think I have.
Anyway, I do feel stronger now. I need to do what's best for me and not worry about other people's reactions. But I don't if I'm quite there yet. Can I go to AA and not tell my family? Is that the right thing to do at this point? Does it sounds like I have a drinking problem? I mean, if I don't feel good about my drinking, then it's a problem, right? Has anyone faced these types of issues before with being scared to get sober because of family stigma?
Oh yeah. I just started talking casually about my drinking and being in AA, because it's part of my life now, and I'm good with being me these days. But holy crap - if you would have asked me if I would EVER EVER do this 6 months ago - I would have told you that undoubtedly, no question in my mind... this would have never ever ever happened. My husband told everyone in my family that I'm an alcoholic. I couldn't understand how this could possibly ever be a good thing, but I had to trust it was the path given to me for a reason. I can see now that it's helped me to be closer to everyone in my family... because there are no secrets... I can talk about my recovery, and it's surprisingly awesome! . Being in recovery has changed me entirely, and continues to amaze me daily. I had a conversation with my Mother at lunch today about AA, and she has experience being in Alanon in the 80's. She told me that my Dad always told her she was just there to pick up men. I've looked up to her, and in the beginning, she was the only one I could talk to about AA - because of her "love" for Alanon. She said something today along the lines of both programs being so wonderful because it teaches you a better way of life. I agreed completely. Then she said "People shouldn't want to find relationships in AA". I told her I don't condemn people for wanting to find a partner in life. That's human nature. There is no stopping it. However, being in AA recovery as a married woman, means I get to make it clear that I'm there for recovery, and that I exemplify a person who keeps their eyes on their own paper, and works at keeping distractions of all kinds at bay.
She agreed... but I know her mannerisms all too well. However, I don't get to assume I know what she's thinking, or know what she wants to say, when she doesn't say it anymore. That is part of recovering for me. She's struggles with dishonesty, and over the years, I've been led to assume by my alcoholic father that she cheated on him and this was the cause of all their problems, and all of his of course. That's the example I grew up with. In fact, each of these role models didn't know that they were only in control of themselves. They didn't understand how character assassination upon each other would slowly take away their integrity and sanity. They didn't grasp the level of confusion throughout life it would instill in me. And I didn't realize there were ways to cope with things without alcohol. That there were different ways of looking at things, other than the way my counselor and I looked at things. I just simply didn't know anything about AA or the program.
My Dad didn't realize that telling me that alcohol was a good way to relax, and necessary to keep stress levels down, would be all I needed to hear when I wondered if I was drinking too much. He hasn't been able to experience this program, and all it has to offer yet, and I can forgive them both for the rage and crazy and addiction and lies and confusion and hurt... and all the rest in between... today. Not so much before giving AA the best I could.
It says in the big book, that we would treat these people as we would treat a sick friend. These people can include the people who we believe and expect to be "better" for us. But in recovery, we get to let go of all expectations... even from our parents. That doesn't mean people will get to walk all over us, it just means that when we hear someone we love, talk about someone else we love in a way that confuses us, or hurts our heart a little... we might feel okay to say something like "I have to let go of that kind of stuff... so could we please not talk about Mom anymore?" Or I just get to change the subject when I feel it's coming. Some healthy boundaries are beginning to work in my life. It's nice.
The cool thing now is, I'm planted as deeply as I need to be in my Higher Power's footprint, to be okay with talking about my recovery. I'm okay with talking about the good things I get to learn about - with this gift of sobriety and work in AA. Not with everyone of course. Some people still just get to think that alcohol doesn't agree with me anymore. They don't know the depths of what those words mean in my life... and that's okay.
It's great to know that both my parents love me as best they know how. I try and reveal the daughter that I've always wanted to be, but was never able to figure out how to be without AA. In such a short time, a lot of good things have happened in my relationships with everyone. There is a lot left to sort out, and I'm not too worried about getting it all figured out today. Mostly, I just wanted to let you know that I felt something like what you're feeling... and this program and the steps I'm taking are helping tremendously. I think it could help you too.
Welcome to MIP!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
But there's a slew of issues with me quitting drinking. I fear my father's ridicule and rejection just like he ridiculed my mother. I fear my mother's self righteous attitude because she's always been so preachy about alcohol. It's like me getting sober would be a win for her that I don't want her to have. It sounds stupid, but that's how I feel.
Anyway, I do feel stronger now. I need to do what's best for me and not worry about other people's reactions. But I don't if I'm quite there yet. Can I go to AA and not tell my family? Is that the right thing to do at this point? Does it sounds like I have a drinking problem? I mean, if I don't feel good about my drinking, then it's a problem, right? Has anyone faced these types of issues before with being scared to get sober because of family stigma?
If you think you have a problem drinking, try going a week without it ... see how it makes you feel ... it certainly won't hurt anything ... an alcoholic will typically have cravings for the stuff when we stop ... then some DT's associated with our detox ...
If you want to stop drinking and need help, AA and this site and others are here to help you with the process that helped us get and stay sober ... you cannot let your family situation make your decision for you ... you must make this decision on your own ... to us, our sobriety takes top priority in our lives, without which we become destructive and useless human beings ... So, if you want to get and stay sober, do it for you, not in regard to anyone else, period ... do it because it's the responsible thing for you to do, if you have a problem ...
Yes, you can certainly go to AA and not tell your family if that's what you want ... we ARE anonymous ... is it the right thing to do? ... time will tell ... I can't see that it would hurt anything ... does it sound like you have a problem with alcohol? ... we cannot tell you yes or no, that's not why we're here ... only YOU can make that determination ...
If your scared about the family stigma thing ... forget about that ... do what you know in your heart to be the right thing to do, period ... otherwise you'll have less regard for yourself in the future which can bring on a whole other set of problems ... you do what's right for you ... then you'll be better able to deal with others ...
Welcome and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Haha, I just realized that was long and probably confusing. There are lots of people that have been in the program for a lOooooooooooong time who know A LOT more than me, who will give you some wise words. Welcome again - and keep checking back!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I will sometimes stop drinking for a week or so, and I feel so much healthier and like I could do it forever. I feel like my urge is completely gone. And then I just fall back into the same old pattern of regularly drinking a bottle or so of wine a night for a couple of weeks and repeat the pattern.
I think I need to go because deep down I am beginning to think I'm in denial about this. I mean I haven't even addressed it with my therapist at all, she has no idea I think this might be an issue, even though I've been drinking like this for 4 years or so. The thought of bringing it up with her terrifies me, maybe because I'm not even bringing it up with myself in a truthful way.
No matter what it takes, I need to commit to healing from the stuff I experienced as a child and is now plaguing me as an adult, so I gotta find a way to face my fears... But it is REALLY scary.
Yes - AA did seem scary before I got there. Then I realized it was just me being scared of not being perfect. Or admitting truly and deeply that I can be powerless over others, and even alcohol.
I went through the same exact cycle of drinking, getting too hung over or black out a long period of time - then I'd stop - feel great - then think I could handle it again. That went on for years. Bleck
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Aloha Tippy...and welcome to the board. Alcoholism is a habit; a compulsion of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body...hangovers, blurred vision, speech, lost of behavior control from stumbling to peeing yourself to vomiting to get it out of you (your body telling you it's pissed at you) spots, rashes, varied hued skin color (mine was yellowish/green) and all kinds of other conditions. It is also an addiction over time where it chooses when you drink and you just follow it. Overtime the ism gets progressively worse resulting in insanity and death. One of the things that happens to most of us is that we worry that we are drinking too much, to often and can't control the when, how, where and how much at any level and we question if maybe we should change it or stop all together. It's the questioning phase where we get a chance to find out (if we inventory our drinking) if it is misuse, abuse or addiction. AA open meetings are a great place to go and listen to others identify the disease of alcoholism and themselves. I learned to sit and listen with an open mind and look for the similarities twix "their" drinking and mine. There are differences...some worse some not so and it is the similarities that break thru the denial.
I went 9 years without a drink before I took my own alcoholism assessment and after going to college on the disease and after being a therapist in a in/out patient rehab. The assessment with medical review can shorten the research period for folks who question "if I am or if I'm not" such as yourself. That's my suggestion. The assessment is free as is open AA meetings. You get to sit in the meetings and just listen without saying a word...you don't even have to identify as an alcoholic if you don't know...you can say, "I'm not convinced, I came here just to listen" and then just quiet down.
Your mom's sobriety isn't keeping you from getting sober...nothing keeps you from drinking or makes you drink...maybe that's a clue. You Mom's not responsible for you finding out or being concerned. Go take care of it yourself...it's what most of us do...similarities you see. Keep coming back.
Sounds like your mom has done the best she can - sobriety takes tiem, you know. But this isn't eally about her, it's about your happiness now.
Everyone affects everyone, that's the way the world is and that's what happens with this disease. This stuff goes back generations in my family and the denial is hilarious. People still speak of my wonderful Grampie as a "tee-totler", i recently found out he was making wine in his cellar, and I don't blame the guy for wanting to take a few drinks either! My Nana was very controlling and the poor guy needed relief!
Therapists can't really help an alcoholic unless they are guiding you through the 12 steps, and I believe many of these people KNOW they can't help us, yet instead of sending us to AA they are more than willing to keep working with us. This pisses me off, frankly. On the other hand, have you told your therapist about your drinking? if she knows about it and is still not telling you to go to AA, get away from her.
Only an alcoholic can touch another alcoholic in that special way, and it sounds like AA is a place you just might find your solution. The first step here is getting there and stopping drinking. You will go when you are ready.
You don't have to tell anyone about anything you do in your life, but why hide it? Who cares, really? You sound smart, and I come from a very prestigious family and I could give a sh-t who knows I'm in AA...I am who I am and I'm a proud member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I feel blessed to have been brought there and I found pretty quickly that my membership there was something that others who couldn't seem to get there want to talk to me about.
I would take care of you right now and stop worrying about what others think.
You can certainly go to AA meetings and not tell your family. One step at a time. When you are ready to share that with them, you will know. I can't recommend meetings highly enough. Try a few out, listen to what others share, have an open mind, read at least the first 164 pages of the Big Book for starters. If you do these things, I think it will become clearer for you whether or not you are an alcoholic, which is something only you can decide for yourself. I found that once I started working the 12 steps of AA that relationships began to change in my life, or at least my perception of them. This program has a solution for the alcohol problem. It's pretty simple, but not always easy. Sounds like you are in a willing place though and that is an excellent start. All the best to you. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I felt that a little bit, because my uncle was the alcoholic. He spouted off AA slogans and became a big know it all (go figure that runs in the family). He was more of a rageaholic too though and he beat my cousins and would rant and stuff. He even had a few good rants in sobriety.
I didn't want to get labeled like him, BUT - at the time I came into AA, I was so miserable and my drinking was such an obvious problem that those concerns were not important in contrast to the need to change.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I had a hard time getting over that hurdle myself -alcoholic or not, but it didn't last very long. All it took was a couple of more times in the doghouse to prove that theory wrong. Just ask my ex-wife, she'll tell you. If you're still in doubt over this matter, well, don't worry yourself any. It's bound to rear its ugly head before too long, just wait and see. Sobriety does have its moments, though -both good and bad. But as far as comparisons are concerned, it doesn't even compete. The nausea drenched hangovers I was so accustomed too pales in comparison to the life I currently enjoy, even on my worst days. All it takes is some willingness and a good support network. The rest you'll learn along the way.
I had the desire to change, but I didn't have the proper motivation at first. So I needed a push in the right direction. After many years sober and many more years fighting just to stay alive, I finally came to grips with my past and my drinking. So can you. My suggestion; make sobriety your priority for today. It's the only option worth striving for.
There seems to be a lot of confusion around the term 'alcoholic' that some of us never seem to quantify. I guess it depends on who you talk too, though. Alcoholism affects everyone differently, and in ways that only few can fathom. It can even become an enigma of sorts if not addressed properly. For some people, it's not even a question anymore -a given I suppose, while for others it's become more of an ongoing mystery if anything. Like, it's shrouded in a sea of uncertainty or something. But for me it was abundantly clear...I had no other choice but to surrender. I had to stop circling the campfire of doubt with my usual 'alkie-logic' and focus instead on the obvious...my drinking. And then make some wise decisions from there.
Basically, I was drinking way too much -which for me signified an even bigger problem...active alcoholism. So from that standpoint it became rather obvious to me. There was no other choice for me, but to surrender. That was 11+ years ago. I've been able to achieve some quality sobriety since then -with the help of my awesome support network of course. And so can you. The question still remains, though. What are we to do? Sobriety, will always be a priority in my life even if it costs me dearly. But that's just me. How others choose to respond is up to them. I just hope 'you' make the right decision, for today. Welcome, again.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 15th of September 2012 04:57:21 PM
"My mom's drunkenness kept me from getting sober" "My father's active alcoholism lessened my perception of my own" "My two brothers were a lot worse than I ever was". I dealt from everyone else's hand when I got into AA. Relapsed and realised quickly that it was going to cost me my life. Alcoholism is cunning, baffing and powerful. I could not stay stopped. I did 10 days off drink before I got to a meeting and had made contact with this online board. Members of it encourage me to go to face to face meetings. Life saving stuff. I really thought I was going to have no problem stopping, it would be just when I needed to. In actual fact I have no control over this disease. My life and the life of those around me was badly affected by active alcoholism. I could not form meaningful friendships. I could not end unsuitable friendships. I had bad decision making processes. I have improved. I will never be cured. I do get a daily reprieve, with the help of my higher power, meetings, my sponsor and other members, at meetings and here also.
Tippytoes, the time that you're spending in therapy is going to be wasted until you get sober. There is a million dollars worth of therapy in every big book of AA and working the 12 step program but it won't accomplish anything until the person gets and stays sober. You can't rebuild the house until you put the fire out. You can't fix a car while you're driving it down the road.
Okay thank you again for your replies. Especially hearing that my time is wasted in therapy until I get sober. Yikes.
I don't want to be putting the blame on my mom. I see that it's really MY own problem getting through an issue that I have with my mom's sobriety and the effect it had on my family. I guess that would be a better way to put it.
And Odat - you are absolutely right that my mom has done the best she can. She and I are in a much much better place now. Although I'm still working through some of the anger I have towards her from childhood, the person she is now is night and day from who she was before and I'm very happy about how our relationship has changed.
I have decided I'm going to AA, but I'm not going to tell everyone around me about it for now. I'm going to tell ppl that I am taking a few months from drinking to cleanse myself and just get healthier. It will buy me some time until I have to address it with people. I think I'm ready to stop, but I'm not ready to face others with my problem just yet. I know I'm not being as courageous as I could be:( but for me, I think it's what I need to do. Otherwise, I might just not do anything...
Wow, I think my mom's openness about it from day 1 made me think that's what I would have to do if I went to AA - tell everyone I know immediately. Okay this even sounds stupid to me now, but I am having a huge aha moment that that's not necessarily how it has to work! Yay.
Oh and no, I have not told my therapist a word about this!!! Not a word. I don't know why.
Actually I do know why - I didn't want her to tell me to quit drinking. I wanted to keep drinking while working on other stuff, and then maybe quit drinking later. (Yeah, no need to tell me that that doesn't make any sense ha.)
That's some great honesty there, tippytoes, you're going to go far. Be patient with yourself and the process in AA, it takes a little time for all of us. I would just think about what the plan is for today. The first thing is removing alcohol. Everything else will come after that. You will have the support you need in AA. It has worked for millions of people and so it can for you too. In fact, it will work if you have the sincere desire to stop drinking. Best of luck.
Tippytoes...........getting sober is a journey & it's hell getting to that point.A social drinker doesn't worry about how much they drink,urges aren't a worrying thought for them.Do they try AA if their drinking is social or not a problem? Noooooo!!! You are worrying about your drinking & mentioned urges....typical symptoms of an alcoholic.Your mum might tell you to get sober but it is your journey of life & her saying that might put you off ever going.People have an issue with you opting not to drink,to me that's a sign of trouble drinkers.People casually drinking wouldn't bother if you opted for non alcoholic drink.Your dad giving your mum rubbish because she's doing AA programme is awful but that you as his child to fear him doing it to you is horrendous (if he did it).My father was a bully & suspect he was jealous of me trying to improve my life..... I was very dominated by my family despite being in my 20's & a mother to a toddler.My father one day had me backed against a cupboard & arguing with me he'd never been a beater but I feared he was going to beat me then,forget what his crap was about but at one point he angrily said I was hiding in AA,I was sober at that stage I was very upset by that.I replied I'm sober & working on my life,I am not hiding from anyone/anything,attending meetings regularly what am I doing so awful.Why am I hiding?? He didn't answer the question & only years later I came to the idea he was jealous.My family seemed normal,acted superior to me,like I was a black sheep.......I had a very dysfunctional family & they were jealous I was infact the sane one most likely.
I'm glad to read you are giving AA a go for yourself.
Best wishes to you for your future.
Das28
-- Edited by Das28 on Saturday 22nd of September 2012 05:14:40 AM
