Last night I'm leaving work, it's around 1030 after a long workday. I'm just happy to be headed home as I have to wake at 4am-thinking 'well, it's not ideal, but it is what it is'. Kinda wrapping up the day in my head yknow...and as I'm walking along I pass by a bar just a few doors down from my workplace and, of course, there's a group of smokers congregated on the sidewalk, that I walk around. Then I notice this girl sitting on a step chatting with the group looking happily buzzed... She looks very familiar- where do I know her from? Working in 2 restaurants, I often see familiar faces that it takes me a moment to place. Then it hits me- AA.. I've seen her at meetings. Though I've never spoken with her, I've seen her around at various meetings, though not consistently. She kind of stood out at meetings because she was very emotional and wore an oversized wooden cross around her neck. I contemplated turning around to approach her, then thought it wasn't my place to. I also didn't think she'd recognize me. I thought about her the entire 1 1/2 walk home. It just disturbed me. I realize how blessed I am. I am one of the lucky ones ( thus far ). Although I felt terrible that this young girl is struggling, I am so grateful that I wasn't in that bar last night. I'm not sure if this is selfish or not.
I don't think it selfish to have feelings of concern for another human being, and that you're not giving into the temptation to drink ... you're just showing maturity in the program and are walking proof that it works when you do ... It was the right thing to do, in my opinion, to walk on by ... you never know but what something might get said that makes you question your own sobriety and tempts you even more to have that drink ... good job ...
You did use the phrase 'happily buzzed' ... meaning that your first thought was 'happy' in her instance ... dangerous to have stopped I think ... I always thought I was giving up my happiness when I stopped drinking, but we all know, I wouldn't have stopped at just being happy, I'd have moved on to 'passed out' ... happiness to me now is sobriety ... being conscious of what's happening ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I get caught up in thinking about things like that too. It's not so much that I think anything that I can pinpoint... I just can't stop thinking about it. I have to guide my thoughts using what I've learned in AA. That's when the slogans come in handy... almost as if to stop, or at least divert the broken record in my head, to another healthier spot on the album.
I suppose I'll never stop my mind entirely from doing this kind of stuff, but at least now I get the chance to say the serenity prayer and move on. It kind of haunts for a bit, but slowly fades away. You'll probably see her again at a meeting. She may say some things you know are dishonest - for example - her sobriety date. You'll get to leave her in her world, and purposefully stay in yours, and that will give you a growth spurt that will feel great probably. I don't know... that's what happens to me.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"By the grace of God go I"...that's how I define moments like these. I only hope she makes her way back. Sobriety is precious, isn't it Colleen? Thanks, again for reminding me of that. Now off to a meeting.
This is the 2nd post I have seen here this morning where I see how we alcoholics compare ourselves to others. It's a way for the ego to make us feel superior. But in your post, I see an honest sincere desire to want to know if how you felt was selfish. Good for you.
I mean, it's basically about feeling compassion for her. That's the feeling that should arise.
I use my discernment in the moment to decide whether I should approach someone or not and how to do it. If you see her again you could always say something like this; "Hi. I recognize you from the meetings. I miss seeing you and hope things are ok." Then you take it from there.
I have an awesome home group with tons of sobriety, men that have lived life on lifes terms. There is no doubt in my mind it is a gift. One of our guys recently lost his job and has some relationship struggles, he has a couple of years sobriety time less then me he is my friend and want to help him. So, we talk and I share my losses and victories oh! and of course the pain that come with these life lessons. I don't always feel that hope I want to feel all the time but god this fellowship, and those moments I get a glimpse of every so often that allow me to know that god is in my life and he's got a plan for me keep me coming back or shall I say trudging. Have a blessed one all!
