I began a " sobriety journal". I had stopped keeping a journal for the last couple of years of my drinking, there were, however random entries here and there. I thought it might be an interesting exercise to skim through my old journals. Good Lord, the level of denial I had been living in is quite profound. It was also very surprising to see how long I had been living in this hell. Entries going back over a decade tell the same story.. I need to stop drinking- then detailing the reasons why. I can tell by the handwriting that oftentimes I was drunk when I made these sincere proclamations to " never drink again". Seriously, these entries are almost identical for years and years. Madness. Then I wondered ' well, what was different' about THIS time?? First, I was defeated. The war I had waged against my alcoholism had been lost, and I knew it. Nothing- I mean nothing in this world mattered to me aside from the drink in front of me, and the others after it. Also, this time My Higher Power intervened and spoke to me... And this time I listened. Just a 30 second moment of calm clarity from a voice that said ( from me? From God? From both of us finally in agreement?) " you need to stop this now, or you will die very soon". That's it.. I knew it to be true. How strange.
Awesome Col. Its not really defeat if you strategically surrender, knowing that is the way to defeat your demon. Congrats. It sounds like a long struggle that we are all familiar with! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
when Japan at the end of WWII had to admit complete defeat, they had to make an invintory of all their defenses and surrender them over to their higher power from battle ship to bullet. After their reconstruction period, although a small naition, they are most wealthy and prosperous. A good definition of surrender is not quiting of giving up, but joining the winning side. A good lesson for me to remember is that I can not be surrenderd and defended at the same time, they are exclusive positions. If Iam defending any thing I am not surrenderd.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
Wow Col! Nice post. Sounds very familiar to me. We must suffer from the same malady/illness. The deep denial, fear, insanity, clarity and then surrender and head down a different road. A road walked by many before us. The surrender created a willingness for change, a willingness to listen to those who walked before me. I learned through their wisdom when I got honest and opened my mind to their way of life. They led me through the 12 -Steps and to a God of my understanding. The Promises materialized and my life changed. Thank you God.
Awsome post! I had typed a "life entry" about a year before I got sober talking about all things that were worrying and troublesome. I then made it like "5" font and it filled one whole page. I printed a couple copies and kept them. I came across one after about 2 years sober. WOW!!! What a way to take a look at how I was miserable and living in the madness and just didn't know how to get out of it.
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
I can so relate to this post. Soon after getting sober I found a diary entry about my first AA meeting from when I was in my early twenties. Then there were about twenty years of drinking entries. It took me that long to get to my second meeting. *lol* Yea, denial is pretty powerful. D'oh!
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Col, when I read a journal I kept in the 90's I could just faint. It's hard to believe that I was writing what I was writing, and still drinking! Madness indeed! I understand the 'God experiences' too; I was fortunate enough to have one last week. Thanks for the thought provoking post.
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'The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.' -William Faulkner
Good post Col. i sometimes look through old journals of my mine and see a more scattered mess of what alcohols done to me than I would ever know, and like what you said, it looks like the same message going around in circles for years, asking the same questions, and writing the same things over and over!
