My 5 yr old son broke his arm again yesterday.  He did it just a hair under six months ago.  You know how come I know exactly how long ago?  Because I was only a few days sober.  It was the day I was skipping out on seeing my whole family who had just been told that I was an alcoholic by my husband.  I had invited everyone over for a family picnic a week or so prior, so I got the house cleaned, prepared the food, and then slipped away to hide.  I wasn't strong enough to face them.

I wandered around town, doing a lot of nothing for almost 8 hours before I realized it was selfish and silly to be hiding.  But before I had the chance to turn the car around on my own accord, I got the call that my son was in the ER.  His arm was at a 90 degree angle.  I panicked... but I was ready to face anyone and put myself aside for that little boy.  I finally realized that I loved him after all.  You see, when you drink around your kids, and do terrible things like drink and drive with them in the car... you wonder how it could even be possible to do that if you love them.  I was sure I was the worst person and Mother in all the world.  And that the only real answer could be that I failed humanity and Motherhood.  That I was less than human.

But nothing would have stopped me from seeing my son that day.  I realized I would die for him if I had to.  That's when it seeped deeply into my soul, that I was an alcoholic, and that alcoholism is a disease.  That didn't mean I couldn't love... that meant I needed help.

With that, came the first real hope for forgivness, and a better way of life for all of us.  A living ammends that I have re-commited to each day since. 

So my husband spills my secrets to the world, and I spill onto the floor.  No more drinking in the closet (well, laundry room) for this chick. 

The word was out, and I was shattered.

That's the way it felt anyway.  I fell to my knees and then melted onto the floor along with my tears.  I could still see my husbands feet turn and walk away.

We hear about people who's family come to them lovingly, and offer support and hope and information and help.  I seemed to hear repeatedly in those early days, how people had their family to lean on.  It was because I was still full of pity for myself... that I couldn't see how much I did have... even if I didn't have my husbands love. 

I was in pain, hurting so deeply... but because of my own doing.  My own selfishness that rides in on a black stallion... along with the addiction. 

It took a lot of meetings and working with a sponsor to do the steps the best I could, to see all of that... and I know there is so much that has not been revealed yet.

I was sober the day my son broke his arm.  I could have been drunk and passed out.  For 2 yrs I was drinking at least half of my days with my son in my care.  He never broke his arm any of those days, he broke his arm while I was sober.  I could be there for him.  If I believe that my God could shake me on the shoulders, and say to me "Hey look my child... now be grateful!" than it is so. 

Almost 6 months have gone by.  My son broke his arm again on the first full day of Kindergarten.  First recess.  I was there within 10 minutes to calmly pick him up, with his arm this time shattered in 4 places, and get him the help he needed.  I just so happened to already be in town, and the dentist just so happened to be 15 minutes late for my appointment - so I was still in the waiting room, and not in the chair and unable to take the call.  It just so happened that no one else on the emergency contact list was within 2 hours of our town.  It just so happened that I had rekindled an old friendship, something I've been doing a lot of lately thanks to sobriety - and she was able to get my 3 yr old daughter from the emergency room before there were any needles or breathing tubes or any of that other scary stuff happening yet.  She was free the entire 5 hrs it took for my son to be put under and have his arm straightened, and had balloons and gifts waiting for my son when we came back for my daughter. 

"Now look my child... be grateful!"  It is so.

Sobriety and Life are fragile.  We get to look at things through our higher powers eyes if we are willing.   I think today looks just perfect. 

Thank you for being here for me.