ya know, i think there is something in the nature that wants to pick up that bucket of fuckits. If I put all the recovery aside I think my lifes song could be " i want it all, I want it now, and I want someone else to pay for it. Im glad you figured out that bucket aint worth it but you are. there has been many times i have sat in my pitty party, which is always a table for one, and and said to my self " I stayed sober for this". your not different Col with what you just went through. But as you just experienced there is " the other side ". We just have to get to the other side. If your like me I hade a cycle of spree and remorse that kicked my ass into not wanting to drink any more. We learn to change that cycle to surrender and commitment. Whenever i go through the mill and I dont give in ( to what ever ) I come out on the other side with a stronver commitment and i would bet you have too. I believe that for us with alcoholism drinking was a spiritual experience. What i mean is that when drinking worked it aloud me to be right here right now and everything was good weather it was or it wasnt. alcohol did that for me till it didnt. Nothing has ever been able to do that for me and I think in the back of my mind it compairs eveything with how a few drinks made me feel and it fails to compair and im left empty and needing to feel the wholenesss
-- Edited by billyjack on Tuesday 11th of September 2012 06:10:53 PM
-- Edited by billyjack on Tuesday 11th of September 2012 06:11:29 PM
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
Hey all:) I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank those of you who asked after my well being. It is sincerely and hugely appreciated. Early sobriety can be a bitch- but this bitch isn't gonna take me down- no way. It's also wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding.. Confusing. I know beyond a doubt, for a fact, that I cannot ever drink again. I have known this truth for close to 4 months. It will kill me. I will drink myself to a miserable, lonely death if I say 'f it' to aa. My father did it, his father did it at 52 years of age. This is not a question for me. Everything else may be a bit difficult to navigate, but all I need to KNOW for certain is this core truth. Also God is with me, and always has been. Everything else can, and will be, worked on. Just needed a couple of days for a breather to get back to basics. Am I gonna be exactly where I want to be right now? Nooooo. But I'll get somewhere near it eventually. And it really CAN be that simple. I just have to ignore all the bs I seem to be gifted at creating lol:) so, Ive changed my mind- this is where I belong ( thanks to those that reached out for reminding me).
Awe - Col - that brought a tear to my eyes. For real. Damn it - I'm not suppose to get this emotionally attached! I CAN'T HELP IT! - I'm so glad you staying for today!!!!! : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
So glad to see you posting again Colleen ... ... ... It isn't the same without you ... deep in your heart you know you've made the right decision to stay ... in 6 months to a year, come back to these posts of yours and see the progress you've made ... (like Tasha did ... I think she felt a little bogged down till she reviewed her early posts, then it was clear she'd made amazing progress ... you can do the same ... we'll be here!)
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You said it brother! Earl sobriety is just what you described... wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding, confusing. It helps to know that others: have gone through it (and lived to tell about it,) are going through it (seems like the hounds of hades get after us sometimes - doesn't it,) or will go through it when they finally desire to stop drinking (and work to be happy, joyous, and free.) I'm new here and your post caught my eye. No matter where we are on our journey - what we share can help others. Your post has helped me today and today is what I have.
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'The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.' -William Faulkner
continued........need to feel the wholeness that alcohol woud give and everthing else is now crap. so im glad you made it through and are sticking around.
I cant wat to get my computer back on line. trying to put this many word here on my phone is not easy, plus the site does not always cooperate.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
Hey Col, Early sobriety is a bitch. It sounds to me like you are hanging in there really well! Like Pappy said, six months from now you will look back at this post and see the difference in your life. From what you are saying, you have a great grasp of the program. God is with you. Just load God up with your problems. Give them away. Take a break. Take a breath. Press on. I know I am glad you are here on the board, and I always enjoy your posts. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Col, I haven't been on line in a couple of days, and I must admit, I read more than I post. I can definitely relate to the rocky road of early sobriety. I can also tell you what I was told when I was thinking I was never going to get this simple program. If you are willing to do the work, and follow suggestions ("directions"), you can know a happy, joyous and free life. Your posts speak to me and I would hate to have you leave the board. Glad you decided to stick around. I need your ESH. ((((hugs)))) and peace.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Atta girl...This forum wouldn't be the same without you. You're heading in the right direction, Colleen, so keep that momentum going, okay. You're bound for a breakthrough.
You said it brother! Earl sobriety is just what you described... wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding, confusing. It helps to know that others: have gone through it (and lived to tell about it,) are going through it (seems like the hounds of hades get after us sometimes - doesn't it,) or will go through it when they finally desire to stop drinking (and work to be happy, joyous, and free.) I'm new here and your post caught my eye. No matter where we are on our journey - what we share can help others. Your post has helped me today and today is what I have.
Welcome Isabell. Thanks again for the wonderful post, it does mean a lot.
Like a new plant you are growing, blooming, blossoming. Some days the wind will blow harder or the sun might not shine as brightly, but the only thing that will stop you from growing is ripping yourself out by the roots (giving up and not coming back). Stay where you have planted yourself :)
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
