At this point, I'm teetering between sitting back, and letting myself be a newcomer, and sometimes swinging waaaaaaaay up into the reaching out to those area's where I can be of service. I really do feel like I'm just flying up and down from one thing to the next - gobbling up some knowledge on one end as fast as I can on the way down, and throwing it back out there as I zoom back up.
I decided to get off the teeter totter, and I immediatly became complacent. Or, possibly, I was just avoiding those inevitable feelings with lots and lots of riding the AA teeter totter. I don't really know. I'm all perplexed again. I've been saying a lot of I don't knows at the end of anything I share at meetings... and I've been letting myself pass a lot too. As soon as I do that, I start to wonder how much grip this AA thing should really have on my life, and when I get off the teeter totter, I'm tempted to just walk out of the playground and never look back. So I guess this is just being 5 months sober for me.
I know for a fact I can't do it alone. I know I'm being a perfectionist. I know that this is my alcoholic brain doing it's alcoholic tendencies... saying to me... hmmm that drinking sure looks fun... that sure would be easier than all this.
I went over some of my old posts here. I read and relived the pain. Thank God I wrote about it. It's so easy to forget.
I do have a better life now, unquestionably. That doesn't mean I'm not still an alcoholic, and that I wont start thinking like one. I guess I just get to embrace it all, and remember I'm where I'm suppose to be today. I am who I am suppose to be.
The Higher power that encompasses anything good I can list along side my 3rd step prayer, has a path for me. I would feel safe on a calmer steadier path, but that wouldn't teach me the lessons in patience and tolerance that I so very much need. I suppose I can choose to feel this moment is a gift to reflect, accept and move forward as best I can... remembering the qualities my God has, and using his example in everything I do.
Today I get to see that my life is a gift. My hopes and dreams are still inside of me. Today, I get to not do what's easy.
Today I get to be sober.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
What a wonderful way you have of expressing your feelings ... (a gift in itself) ... What's easy ??? ... to drink, of course, most of us can gain access to a drink within minutes ... when I first came to AA, I got to some point I said, what's the use, and I drank again ... and I allowed King alcohol to take control again ... then I suffered again ... then I got sick again ... then I went to rehab again ... then I went through withdrawals, again ... then I read all the 'self-help' books on how to quit drinking without AA, again ... then I drank again and got even sicker ... then I came back to AA, again ... this time I stayed ... this time I discovered God inside of me where He'd been waiting all this time ...
The problem, ... ... ... my 'thinking' ... but with 55 years of thinking, I knew best, I thought ... my two brain cells struggled to find any happiness without a drink ... they finally began to see the happiness found in the AA way of life when I found myself starting to laugh one day ... I never thought I'd ever laugh again without a drink ... but I was wrong, AA and its fellowships taught me a new way to think and there I found the happiness I was missing ... we had a cookout after our meeting last Saturday night ... there was a 'fire pit' with a glowing fire and the warmth of friends all sharing stories of our past ... I ain't the only one that did some crazy shit before getting sober ... LOL ... we had a blast and the amazing thing was, we were all sober ...
It took me a long time to learn to enjoy sobriety ... I always thought I needed a drink ... One of my sponsees felt he was depriving himself of a good time being in AA ... alone and contemplating life one night, three weeks ago, he decided to reward himself by grabbing a case of beer ... the next morning, it was gone ... he'd called me and I knew he was drunk over the phone, all while he denied it ... I finally saw him at a meeting later the next week and asked if he still thought he was a millionaire? ... he had no idea or memory of ever calling me, much less what he talked about ... (he lives in a mobile home in a trailer park ...) ... I said the next time you get to feeling this way, call me BEFORE you step out the door to go to the store ... he was a couple weeks shy of his 3 year anniversary ... We had a long talk and he's started to rework the steps again ... I made some signs for him to post in his home to try and 'constantly' remind him of what his thinking should consist of ... (he just drank that one night and realized the next morning what he'd done and immediately had remorse and came to the next meeting and got another 'beginner's' chip ... )
So yes, it's that 'EASY' to do something stupid ... the hard part is being responsible ... I don't always know what's best for me but God does ... that's why I talk to Him every morning and every night ... He helps me make the right decisions ...
Great subject, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Tasha, you can't always pinpoint how you are growing, what the result will be and so on and so forth. Just trust in the process. You do service just by going to meetings and sharing here. I do think you are ready for a formal commitment to chair meetings or something along those lines.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I hadn't even thought of the 'service work' she's ready for ... thanks for mentioning that ... our group only requires 90 days sober to chair a meeting ... and we always have some crusty old guys (me) around to help ... great idea PinkChip ... what do you say Tasha, ? ... ... have you chaired many meetings yet ? ... 'Discussion leader' ?
You've been ready for this for a while ... you're much further along in sobriety than I was with the 'time' you have ...
Love Ya, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I agree about chairing a meeting. I was lucky enough to get to be secretary one day a week at my home group for six months and it was so awesome to be of service at a level that was a good fit for me at the time. I am now the treasurer for our group and it feels good to have a purpose and be able to give back to a fellowship that gives me so much. Is there a chance you could take on a weekly or monthly service position? I just have a hunch it would be great for where you are at in your program right now. :) Best to you, lovely one.
__________________
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Today we get to be sober. I like the way that sounds. A friend called this a.m. on her way into the local college for a class. She said, "The liquor store is just across the street and thank God I'm not shaking and about to throw up waiting for it to open up so I can get a drink." I thank my HP every time I realize I am NOT obsessing or craving. I keep focusing on the moments and hours and days that this stinkin' thinkin' isn't with me. Yep! Today we GET to be sober. I don't have to drink anymore (when I want to or when I don't.) Thanks for sharing this post.
__________________
'The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.' -William Faulkner
