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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Judging others sincerity in regards to AA
Post Info TOPIC: Judging others sincerity in regards to AA
Angell


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Judging others sincerity in regards to AA
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I decidecd to start a new thread in response to something Tasha said in her thread entitled 'question'.  Specifically:

I do however, get a pang in my heart and gut "picking" certain people who seem "good enough". I feel like I want to help everyone, and I know I can't, but I don't feel right about premeditating it. I feel best when I just try and help anyone I can, tall, short, smart, the opposite, homeless, wealthy... you get the point.

Here's what Dr. Bob had to say on the issue:

You should be able to judge if a man is sincere in his desire to quit drinking. Use this judgment. Otherwise you will find yourself needlessly bumping your head into a stone wall and wondering why your "babies" don't stay sober. Remember your own experience. You can remember many times when you would have done anything to get over that awful alcoholic sickness, although you had no desire in the world to give up drinking for good. It doesn't take much good health to inspire an alcoholic to go back and repeat the acts that made him sick. Men who have had pneumonia don't often wittingly expose themselves a second time. But an alcoholic will deliberately get sick over and over again with brief interludes of good health.

The whole of the pamphlet can be found here:

http://www.barefootsworld.net/aamanual.html

As for the idea that we are too youngin the program to be of help - here are some excerpts from that pamphlet:

You feel that you have nothing to say to a new patient? No story to tell? Nonsense! You have been sober for a day, or for a week. Obviously, you must have done something to stay sober, even for that short length of time. That is your story. And believe it or not, the patient won't realize that you are nearly as much of a tyro as he is. Definitely you have something to say. And with each succeeding visit you will find that your story comes easier, that you have more confidence in your ability to be of help. The harder you work at sobriety the easier it is to remain sober.

and

Always bear in mind that your caller not so many days or months ago occupied the same bed you are in today. 

 

 

 

 



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justadrunk


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It's difficult to trust your own judgement when you're new and are being told that everything you think is wrong and backwards - and it is - and it gets confusing - not that we shouldn't be told that as newcomers - it's just that we are certainly limited in knowledge and time and experience.

I think that if I'm doing the program to the best of my ability, I'm stepping back and questioning everything I think and do... and I don't know how long that will last... and I don't know when I will feel more confident to know when someone is sincere - so for now I must just assume everyone is and try and help.

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Frodo


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justadrunk wrote:

It's difficult to trust your own judgement when you're new and are being told that everything you think is wrong and backwards - and it is - and it gets confusing - not that we shouldn't be told that as newcomers - it's just that we are certainly limited in knowledge and time and experience.

I think that if I'm doing the program to the best of my ability, I'm stepping back and questioning everything I think and do... and I don't know how long that will last... and I don't know when I will feel more confident to know when someone is sincere - so for now I must just assume everyone is and try and help.

 

Just take the sincerity at face value. I assume every one that walks in is sincere. They might leave or relapse because they are fearful or confused or forgetful of the pain, but the sincerity got them through the door.

And some people just don't get it. It's no fault of their own, but whatever cord was struck in me when I first walked into the rooms might not hit others for months or years. I know of people that have said that it took them 5 or 10 long, hard years for the penny to drop. Maybe I was lucky that I'd been beaten into the right state to be receptive. Others haven't, I guess, and need more time and tolerence. Six months before I found AA (or it found me, to be more precise) I wasn't ready. I wanted to be sober but I wanted things on my terms. I didn't realise that it wasn't possible then even though I was dying inside and desperately needed help. I was close, but not close enough, and may have looked like a waste of time to anyone that tried to help me. I wasn't. I just had a few more drunks in me.

Just keep doing what you're doing. You've got a good soul and IMHO that'll make up for all sorts of experience.



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Rob84


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Good topic to bring up Angell.

The term judgement has a bad connotation these days. The whole process on how people end up in AA is usually different than it was in Dr Bob's days. If someone is has made a effort to walk into an AA meeting, my duty is to be kind, friendly and helpful where I can be, there is nothing to judge. It doesn't take much time, I've been sober awhile and try to set a good example, I may have sponcee's in the room and I expect them to do the same.

If someone asks me to be their sponsor, that is a totally different story.  I have learned from my past mistakes, there is hardly much worse than sponsoring someone not willing to work the steps, go to meetings or do service work. I won't be a sponsor if they won't do the work or just because they need one for court, treatement or 1/2 way house etc, it is a diservice to us all. 

I do judge/make decisions to sponsor others based on whether they can meet the preconditions we agree on, then follow through with action. Reasonable # of meetings based on their situation, have a homegroup, do service work, helpful to others, call/text me and a few others several times a week, work the steps to the best of ability. I'm not a hard-ass, this is just basic stuff.
What are you willing to do to stay sober?

Want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it?

We are uniquely qualified and gifted to help others suffering from this disease, squandering time helping those not serious means that others needing/wanting help might die.

Where would I be if my sponsor was too busy pulling guys out of the drunk-tank to work with me?

We can't/don't operate like a treatement facility and other professional organizations,  you pay them money and they are obligated to try and help you whether you really want it or not(not a knock on treatment etc, they help many).  You can't buy the AA gift of soberity, it's free if you work for it,  you just need to pass it along to keep it.

Rob <3

 

 



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Rob

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Rob84


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That is a great pamplet BTW, great to get a view of early history.

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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Dan B 76


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For me I don't and really can't judge another alcoholic/addict as to their desire to quit. I have seen those sent by law to attend meeting to get their card signed and those who you would believe do anything to get clean. Out of both groups some stay some don't. If anyone anywhere reaches out... I am responsible. If we pick and choose who we think might be a ready we can miss many who are.

Everyone has something to offer the new person. I remember sitting in detox and all I knew was that if I drink I won't stop. Talking with another drunk in detox about the liquor in his house all I could give was my experience, about 24 hours worth, dump it out if it is there you will use it. That was all I knew of this at the time but I had something to pass along.

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Pythonpappy


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Excellent point Dan ... ... ... thanks



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justadrunk


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Moved it to a new thread as it didn't quite fit here. I do get your point - but I don't completely agree. It's the same ol' same ol' in my opinion. People trying to get you to "get it" wont make you get it, you have to want it for yourself - just as we've heard millions of times... it's so true.

On the other hand, once we have that want, we do have some reality checks in store. It's hard to hear. It's also hard to know how to present them to people. That is up to each of us in recovery, and I believe we are all doing the best we can in that regard. I have days when I'm cranky (like today) and I come off a bit thorny. Okay a lot.

Still - I am more quick to find that smoother softer side these days... I strive for it, because that's what works for me.

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Pythonpappy


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Ha! ... I moved my post before I read this ... you are sneaky!!!  ...  LOL



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