I've been lurking around here for a couple of weeks...reading posts, trying to figure out what "fits" me and what doesn't.  I've been moved by many of your posts, and shocked at the striking similarities to my own life of some of them, and yet still can't figure out what the path in front of me holds.  I finally decided just to put it all out there in one big rambling post, and see what kind of feedback I get from all of you.  The insight, support, and constructive feedback I've seen on here so far seems so sincere, I'm hoping to benefit a little from that.  So, for those of you who bare with me through what is sure to be a long, unfocused, rambling post....I thank you in advance! 

I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not.  I tend to overthink a lot of things (ok, everything) and I can convince myself both that I am, and that I am not.  One thing that I do know for certain is that I'm a bit of a chameleon.  I have a really strong tendency to be whatever the people I surround myself with want me to be (or what I percieve them as wanting me to be).  I've ALWAYS been this way.  Not just with drugs and alcohol, but with anything in general.  If the people I surround myself with are focused on health and exercise: so am I.  If the people around me are focused on reading classic fiction: so am I.  And unfortunately, if the people around me are surviving on alcohol, prescription drugs, and hangovers:  so am I.  I'm literally "Ready to be Me", I'm just not even sure to begin figuring out who "she" is.

What got me to the point I'm at now, was reading Drinking:  A Love Story  by Caroline Knapp.  So much of who she was, is who I am.  I connected with far too much of her high-functioning alcoholism to not at least entertain the possibility that I have this disease.  Though I would have to say I'm more of a binge drinker than anything...but, you can also usually count on the fact that if I don't have to work the next day, or have any outside commitments, I will be binge drinking.  What concerns me most, and what leads me to think it's an alcoholic situation, is that once I start I don't stop.  Usually black-out drunk, or not far from it.  And if there is anything else around while I'm drinking...well, heck, I'm up for that too!

I want to quit drinking.  But, I sincerely feel like I'm socially handicap without it.  I have a crappy personality, and while I know I need to learn to embrace who I am without my "social lubricant", I'm afraid of the loneliness while I figure out who that person is.  I like the idea of meetings, but live in a small town and work in a very community-involved job, so I think anonymity is hopeless unless I go to a nearby town, and with the hours my husband works and the ages of our children I don't know that I could make that work. (Excuses, excuses.) 

The other hurdle I have is my husband.  An admitted addict, who has been through treatment/AA/NA in the past....who even admits to having a problem now, isn't ready to move on.  And I don't know what the future would be like with one of us moving on and the other staying in place.  We've been through a lot together, but I'm SO ready to get my shit together and grow-up (finally), and he is still stuck at his 18-year-old, trapped in the body of a 37-year-old, phase. 

I'm ready to surrender, leave it in the hands of my HP....but, it's almost like I don't feel worthy of that.  Why would any God want to help me find my way out of this hole...I've done nothing to earn it.

So, I think that's it for now.  I don't know what the point of all of that was....just putting it all out there, writing what's been on my mind.  Hoping for some insight....not even sure what I'm hoping I get out of it.  But, I appreciate all of you and have learned so much, and felt so much connection/comfort just from reading your posts, thank you for that!

-A

Thank you, Frodo and Pappy...you've given me much to ponder as I head out for my 5 mile run! Much appreciated, and I will respond in detail later. :)

Hey there:) I must say, I was waiting for this post haha. I knew it was only a matter of time for you to reach out after I saw you respond to a post or two. With the exception of a few small details, I could've written your post a while back. I think you're in the right place.. I think you should continue posting:) Can I answer the question of whether or not your an alcoholic? Absolutely not.. Only you can. I'm guessing you probably already know the answer:) welcome

ready2Bme wrote:

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I've been lurking around here for a couple of weeks...reading posts, trying to figure out what "fits" me and what doesn't.  I've been moved by many of your posts, and shocked at the striking similarities to my own life of some of them, and yet still can't figure out what the path in front of me holds.  I finally decided just to put it all out there in one big rambling post, and see what kind of feedback I get from all of you.  The insight, support, and constructive feedback I've seen on here so far seems so sincere, I'm hoping to benefit a little from that.  So, for those of you who bare with me through what is sure to be a long, unfocused, rambling post....I thank you in advance! 

I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not.  I tend to overthink a lot of things (ok, everything) and I can convince myself both that I am, and that I am not.  One thing that I do know for certain is that I'm a bit of a chameleon.  I have a really strong tendency to be whatever the people I surround myself with want me to be (or what I percieve them as wanting me to be).  I've ALWAYS been this way.  Not just with drugs and alcohol, but with anything in general.  If the people I surround myself with are focused on health and exercise: so am I.  If the people around me are focused on reading classic fiction: so am I.  And unfortunately, if the people around me are surviving on alcohol, prescription drugs, and hangovers:  so am I.  I'm literally "Ready to be Me", I'm just not even sure to begin figuring out who "she" is.

What got me to the point I'm at now, was reading Drinking:  A Love Story  by Caroline Knapp.  So much of who she was, is who I am.  I connected with far too much of her high-functioning alcoholism to not at least entertain the possibility that I have this disease.  Though I would have to say I'm more of a binge drinker than anything...but, you can also usually count on the fact that if I don't have to work the next day, or have any outside commitments, I will be binge drinking.  What concerns me most, and what leads me to think it's an alcoholic situation, is that once I start I don't stop.  Usually black-out drunk, or not far from it.  And if there is anything else around while I'm drinking...well, heck, I'm up for that too!

I want to quit drinking.  But, I sincerely feel like I'm socially handicap without it.  I have a crappy personality, and while I know I need to learn to embrace who I am without my "social lubricant", I'm afraid of the loneliness while I figure out who that person is.  I like the idea of meetings, but live in a small town and work in a very community-involved job, so I think anonymity is hopeless unless I go to a nearby town, and with the hours my husband works and the ages of our children I don't know that I could make that work. (Excuses, excuses.) 

The other hurdle I have is my husband.  An admitted addict, who has been through treatment/AA/NA in the past....who even admits to having a problem now, isn't ready to move on.  And I don't know what the future would be like with one of us moving on and the other staying in place.  We've been through a lot together, but I'm SO ready to get my shit together and grow-up (finally), and he is still stuck at his 18-year-old, trapped in the body of a 37-year-old, phase. 

I'm ready to surrender, leave it in the hands of my HP....but, it's almost like I don't feel worthy of that.  Why would any God want to help me find my way out of this hole...I've done nothing to earn it.

So, I think that's it for now.  I don't know what the point of all of that was....just putting it all out there, writing what's been on my mind.  Hoping for some insight....not even sure what I'm hoping I get out of it.  But, I appreciate all of you and have learned so much, and felt so much connection/comfort just from reading your posts, thank you for that!

-A

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 I'll offer a few points as comments/suggestions.

1) The question of whether you are an alcoholic is a crucial one. Perhaps an alcohol/drug evaluation would be helpful. I gotta think so, if you truly "don't know" whether you are one or not.

2) The anonymity problem, in connection with where you work/live, is another crucial question. If anonymity is a requirement for you, then you describe a situation that will blow it. For some people that is unacceptable. For most of us, we find that many more people knew about our problem than we thought. Hence, mostly good feedback comes back when peopple we work with/live near hear we're in recovery.

3) The home situation you describe seems to indicate tensions and stresses that might have to be dealt with through counseling or therapy--not necessarily a 12-step program. That might be a siginificant factor in your choices for action.

4) There are alternative recovery programs and approaches available nowadays.  AA, of course, is one. It's the one we talk most about here. But there are others, such as SMART Recovery, Lifering, SOS, AVRT, CBT. And other 12-step programs such as Celebrate Recovery. Take a look at the Alcoholism and Secular Recovery subforms at:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

Some participants even use just the website/forum of SoberRecovery as their solution for recovery.

Thank you ready2Bme for your honesty and frankness in share many of the details of your situation. That took a lot of courage. I can relate to the complexity and stress in the marriage. I had my share when I decided to pursue recovery.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do. Whether it's AA or something else, the paramount issue is your own well-being. That's assuming of course, that you answer affirmatively to the question in No. 1.

Great share ready2bme. Welcome to "MIP".

 

Aloha Ready and you found my journal!!  The similarities in the experiences of the room with my head nodding up and down was a reality check for me.  The assessment was the exclamationn point to this reality.  I'm not a "real" alcoholic...I'm just alcoholic.  I am also tuberculic, a former catholic, I use to be real icky before program and to find that I had a disease and wasn't a bad person was very freeing for me.  My wife was alcoholic/addict also and I wasn't going to continue to kill myself because I was married...I had no mandate from God or any other higher power to remain in our progressive and fatal disease until she got clean and sober or anything else.  I was done period...loved her and was done.   I read your post and I hear my fascilation from the past.  I was 9 years alcohol free before I got into AA.  I was in the "other" room for family, spouses, friends and associates affected by someone elses drinking and also a therapist in a large rehab program when my HP urged me into my own assessment.  I am college educated on alcoholism and substance addiction including my own 37 years of actual experience but wasn't for sure alcoholic until I did that assessment after I helped another do his just before he went into inpatient.  My back of the mind concern was relapse and the awareness that in relapse I wouldn't go back to where I started drinking but to where I stopped and would be urged into doing "catch up" on all the drinks I missed.  I've over dosed several times in the past and being witness to other relapses including those which resulted in death caused me to do the whole practice.  It was difficult but not much more than a good sized speed bump on over inflated tires.  Got past it and have stayed.

Welcome to the board.  You're looking for love and support and family to stand by and with you.  You got it at MIP.  This is where miracles happen and miracles are the fellowship that have responded to your post.   Keep coming back.  ((((hugs))))

I figured you were a stalker from there. What a bore.

He can have this place...I'm done with this asshole!

So ready2bme - It took me a really really long time to remember that humans even in recovery still don't always get along, they aren't living in kingdoms, and sitting on golden seats while typing here... and even the old timers in meetings aren't always right, and living a program I admire. I have seen amazingly awesome things from each person who has posted in this thread! I have posted some very crappy stuff on this site, that might have turned a newcomer away, and I have apologized for it at this point. Doesn't mean more isn't coming, because I am far far away from perfect today.

I have accepted these people into my family of recovery long ago, and everyone here has shown me overwhelming support overall. I always think of that first and cherish that.

This message board is the only one I use. I check out other ones for a minute or two here and there, but I'm so used to this one, and I literally feel like the regulars here are my home group away from home group (that may make sense if you make it to a meeting someday soon, that you really like and feel comfortable at, and you will them decide to call that your home group, which means you try and be there every week, and share as much as you can about yourself, helping out with some of the things that need to be done to keep the meeting going, making friends you care about etc). I always come back to MIP, for me it's all I need. I know lots of people use many sites, and I commend them for doing what's best for them.

This is still your thread, and you've got some love here... Pappy and Frodo opened my eyes once again to their gratitude for this program and life. It's so inspiring. Stepchild can find sections of the big book that relate to every word you say - even "the" lol - and it always just amazes me to discover myself in the book over and over, I'm always grateful for the plug of quotes from that book, as I'm still not used to going to it as much as I'd like to. Tanin shows his love for recovery through much needed info that I forget to refer to and post for others, he/she is always on top of that, and I'm always grateful.

There are always tests of tolerance, love and patience - tiny little obstacles that we get to practice our recovery program on, presented to us as gifts every day. We chose how we want to unwrap them, and sometimes I still tear in, and sometimes I'm careful and gentle. I can chose to learn from all of it because of this program.

Thanks so much for this thread, and please keep us posted!

It's entirely your call on if you are or are not alcoholic. Nobody else can decide that for you. It is a serious one though. Alcoholics either die or go insane if they don't stop drinking, and it won't get better by itself. Actually it is guaranteed to get worse: nature of the beast, I'm afraid.

A read of chapter 3 in the Big Book will give you a better idea of the situation, and I'd suggest you drag yourself along to some meetings to have a listen and see if you identify with the stories of other members. It will only cost you a bit of your time, and the bars and clubs will still be there if you decide AA isn't the place you need to be.

Whatever you decide I do hope you do stick around for a bit. Nobody ever comes to a place like this because things are going well, and from your post it sounds like drinking isn't much fun anymore and it's started to give you a good kicking, and that's something we all know very well.