I would love to say that I have 8 months sober today.  But I don't.  I came into this program just after Christmas, but I had a slip in March because I wasn't really going to meetings, and not being completely honest (mostly minimizing) with my sponsor.  I went to 5 meetings in a row - thought I had things down - decided it would be too hard on my family to keep going so much (even though I liked it and wanted to ((control issues)) - shot off some remarks about how "I get it now so once per week should be good enough" and it wasn't enough - and I drank on valentines day.  For a couple weeks it was just once per week - and I thought I was doing great!  That this would be the life. I'll just drink once per week and be a total blob, perk up and get back to my meeting, and somehow live like that  - you know - super serene. 

Well... it was kind of serene compared to my past, I mean, I was honest this time right away with my husband and sponsor about the slip.  Normally, I would completely hide and lie about that fact. 

Everyone was so understanding and forgiving... and I rationalized that "hey... they don't seem to mind... they're just happy I'm honest about it... I can do this!!!  YEAH!  THIS IS AWESOME!"  Now I had my craziness and don't forget the nuts.  I was safe once more.

For about 1 more week.

Then I was just back to drinking worse than ever, anytime, any day, AA sucked, you were all crazy religious freaks again, I wasn't, and I was back to hiding and lieing and ZooooOOoooooom!  Right back down the slide and into the gutter with a splash!  What fun indeed!

That lasted another week and then I got the big bang.  "You're going to quit all your jobs now, go to treatment, and the kids are going to be going to daycare."  He said. "Oh, and I've told everyone... your whole family, and my whole family."  (No one knew I was an alcoholic)  My big deep dark secret was out. 

I collapsed onto the floor at my husbands feet. 

He walked away.

From the kitchen floor, I begged and groveled.  Finally, I couldn't even do that.  My body was giving up on me, and I sobbed into my pillow, adding a few more deeply embedded black mascara stains to the family of others.

I lashed out and begged.  I groveled and cried some more.  I scared my children with my sober insanity, and I scared myself. 

I still believed AA was what would work for me, I just had to be brave enough to do it.  I asked for a nanny to come here instead of the kids going away, the opportunity to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and agreed to quit my job as a piano teacher, and stop all other playdates and activites that would mean I was in the care of my kids, and others.  No matter how much being away in a treatment center would have been easier - it would have gotten me no where and I knew it.  I am a Mother.  My mind is on my children, and I wouldn't have been able to focus on recovery, worried about them.  No.  That would have been the easier softer way for me personally.  That would have been too easy.  That would have been more like a retreat, than treatment.  I knew I needed to learn how to live with all of it, because I had no intention of letting go of this family, but some help was very necessary.  I believe that God stepped in when he agreed 3 days later. 

Then I did it. 

Edit:  Then He did it.  My Higher Power.  My God.

I began writing about my days every day here, and going to as many meetings as possible.  I worked this program to the best of my ability, worked the steps, read the big book, reached out to people, helped where I could, did what my sponsor told me to do, prayed... really prayed for the first time in my life, and now 5 months later my life is no longer unmanagable.  In fact...

I will get to go back to school this fall. My son will start kindergarden, and my daughter will start preschool.  I will be sober when they need me to pick them up from school, and take them to activities.  I couldn't imagine how I would manage that before.

I get to teach lessons again this fall, and I will be resuming the music enjoyment classes I've been doing for kids under five.  It was such a struggle before, to not drink the night before I had to teach this group class, because it took a lot of hopping around acting silly...  and now I jump around and harness the craziness inside of me for the good - without having to sweat out the booze and blame my shaky hands on too much coffee.

The world is full of opportunities, and I can dream and make goals for the first time since childhood.  I can let them be part of my life, and have excitement for life.  I can reflect and know when I'm taking on too much, with healthy boundries and a new acceptance for myself and everyone else on this Earth.  It all takes practice, and I am not saying I do it all perfectly... but the progress is there.  I'm still me, and I still have the mind of an alcoholic. 

Most importantly - I can believe in a power greater than myself.  I can make mistakes and still love myself.  I can let others make mistakes, and not take control.  AND - I can sleep at night.  Really sleep.  No waking up for a drink at 2am.  No battle within.  Just peace - my husband - my kids - and God. 

Thanks for being here for me this past 8 months - through it all, the drunk and sober months, it has meant the world to me to have this place to come to.  You were the first AA messengers I had, and I'll be forever grateful for your gentle nudges to get me to walk through the doors of the rooms.  You've taught me so much. 

P.S. 

I just wrote this because I had an uninterrupted 2 hours while the kids were at the movies with their Dad.  It was nice to have the time to go over all of this in my mind, but you know what was really nice?  It never occurred to me that this would be a perfect time to head to the laundry room to pull out the hidden bottles of wine and get blasted out of my mind and pass out at 3 in the afternoon - leaving my kids and husband to find me "sick" and wasting away another beautiful Saturday.