In reading and working through the final steps with deep reflection to the best of my ability, I've discovered some astonishing things.
After I found my ex had shot himself in the head, there was fear, there was stress, there was trauma... but there was also... a fleeting moment of joy. Instantly I knew this would make a great excuse of all excuses to drink the alcoholic way I was already striving for at 21 only a couple years after picking up my first drink. There was this moment of joy... a horrible selfishness to the very extreme, that I shut out, never to admit again, even to myself, until right now.
I did proceed to fake extra trauma and stress right up until today - always having this to fall back on for extra pity when I was lonely and wanted attention. Always having this as a widely accepted excuse for the most part, when I was drunk and neglecting life. Always avoiding truly feeling anything about the incident, or ever able to work through it, because there was this moment of joy, I could not bare to let even myself believe could be in my human mind, and might come back if I dared to feel anything at all. But it WAS there. In admitting it... I am free to grieve, forgive, accept and remember the good times... as so many counselors and books tried to instill.
Now I can root out what I need to, go back to the grave site and make my ammends... I just needed to get this one deep dark secret out. I got a new sponsor yesterday, and she was sent to me with all the right words to get me to this life changing little sentence: I felt glad for someone's death... So I could drink.
So I could drink. I am an alcoholic. This is alcoholism. This is the disease.
This was my ticket to the train ride that eventually became a train wreck after 10 long years using this same old raggity free pass.
There is no excuse for the fact that I am an alcoholic, and I can not reserve this particular excuse for that day down the road when I relapse, as the "thing she never worked out". I realized I WAS reserving it, not fully conceding to it, until this morning while seeking conscious contact with the God of my understanding, and praying for the first time ever... His will be done... not mine.
I couldn't begin to understand what this meant, said it with emptiness, dishonesty and self will run riot still. My 9th step ammends were confusing for this reason. I was given the "click" yesterday, when I saw my now ex-sponsor's defects of character with new eyes, and the overwhelming irritation I felt for her was turned over to Him - that his will be done - not mine... a concept that she tried to teach me, but didn't have herself. Now I can pray for this woman... and trust that. She has taught me so much and she'll always be in my heart.
My tears today carry tiny little peices of my sins, falling from me one by one - finally.
Finally... I am free.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Saturday 25th of August 2012 10:51:43 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
You know Tasha, I really have to say that I'm honestly inspired by the growth and progression I've seen in you since I've joined MIP (that would be since May 18th).. It's truly amazing! I'm so proud of you:) youre just an inspiration to me. AND you're a fantastic writer:)
At times I want to rename alcholism "playing the victim disease" cuz I know I sure played it up. I lived in "poor me" for decades. 1 episode of depression became the reason for me to give up on school, give up on advancing in my career, give up on finding a partner that would treat me right, and to continuously drink and self-sabotage for years. And...that is just what I did until that act got so old I couldn't stand it any more. Not sure why I was gifted the moment of clarity needed in order to have the psychic change that I did, but I am so grateful to be off that miserable drunken, self-pity train.
Not saying you didn't have PTSD or that I didn't or don't have depression, but it was never the chronic mental illness or life sentence that I made it out to be. It never entitled me to act like I did and it never was a good reason to give up on myself. I very much relate to your post. Thanks.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yes and yes! I can completely identify with this. Ive hesitated to post my own thoughts on these similarities because your talking about completing steps that I'm nowhere near... BUT i found a lot of myself in this post, and the responses. Yes, i experienced a lot of trauma as a child, yes, I have had some crazy, and rather unique experiences ( living on the streets of NYC working as a cocktail waitress as a teenager as an example). I now understand that although I'm not 'happy' about these experiences, I did use them as an excuse for inexcusable behavior. I felt entitled to treat people in my life horribly, I've used them as an excuse to wallow in self pity for far too long. I used to re- tell events of the past to get attention, excuse my behavior, manipulate people. I've used them to set myself apart, to remain 'other'- whether thinking myself above or below other people. In a way, I hung on to the 'victimization' of these past and used it to my twisted advantage. You articulate much more eloquently than I the true insanity of this, Tasha. And pink chip- we have much in common, as well. We all have this 'illness', but it's now a Choice for us to 'suffer' from it or not.
Col - You're posts are honest and from the heart, they show bravery and growth and change. The more you simply open up, the more you help me too : )
We are on this journey together - TODAY - and totally completely in every single way equal. My ego takes me places of being worse or better than everyone else... but in that thinking, I'm not able to carry the message, which is what I believe is God's will.
When I return to a more humble place in my head - I can share about my life with the same qualities I mentioned about you, and that is "how it works" for me to help in early sobriety.
Every time you share - you help someone - some way - and I for one care about you, and love your posts - so I would LOOOOOOOVVVVEee to hear way more!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
