Mich here... went to the 7am meeting today. I shared about my drunk dream which I am sure everyone has had. Had a glass of wine in my dream. Then I thought oh no I have to start all over. What have I done. So, upset in the dream. Woke up glad I was sober. I am sure everybody has had this experience too. I wake sometimes not knowing whether I am drunk or sober. I go thru my day with a confused feeling. Am I drunk or am I sober. Nervous, anxious, my heart is palpataing. I feel sick to my stomach most of the day. Like I am going to vomit. I am sure everybody has been there done that. I went to the meeting chair after to get a sponsor because I am so sick of everybody telling me to get a sponsor, work the steps, read, do this do that. So, the chair is like ok I will sponsor you. I was like um, I wasn't gonna ask her. Then I was like um ok. So she said get a piece of paper. I asked her for paper. Then I broke her pen. Then she said well you better go get paper. So I get paper. She said write down my name and number. I do it. Then we talked. She is crazy. Not who I would have picked. Anyway, turns out we have things in common. Then she said you gotta call me everyday or I will drop you. WTF. I have a sponsor.
Lol... One of my sponsors said calling and showing up at meetings at the drop of a hat showed commitment. Another friend remakes that because I used my bicycle to get to meetings 5 miles away showed dedication. Everyone has their gauge of how willing a sponsee can be and how worthwhile their investment in said sponsee will be. Just be grateful you didn't get rejected when asking fir a sponsor.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Hey mich:) congrat on sponser!! Listen, I wasn't even thinking about getting a sponser at first. I didn't even attend a meeting til I was ( I think?..) maybe over 2 weeks sober. My sponser is the secretary of my home group. When I approached her to put my name on "call list" she asked if I had a sponser, I replied "ummm, not yet", and she offered to be my sponser- I said "sure" ( I was about a month sober at that time). Not someone I would've chosen, either, but she's been a Godsend, truly. It may or may not work out for you and your sponser, you can always decide on another. Then again, it may turn out to be a great fit:) you never know:)
You know I have just under 5 months of sobriety Kathy, so take this or leave it, but I would trust your gut on this one.
A reasonable option would be to let her know the truth. That you had someone in mind, were appreciative of her offer... but you were nervous so said yes. I'm using how I typically felt in that situation as an example. You of course, know how you felt, and can be open about it if you choose :)
You aren't expected to be in AA with everything figured out, your life in a perfect state, your confidence and ability to take a step back and think about things before responding in perfect harmony as it plays out in your life, in fact... just the opposite. If the lady can't understand that you said yes because you didn't feel the confidence to say no, or you were worried that you'd hurt her feelings if you said no... then you aren't going to get much from her anyway in my opinion.
In my opinion... she should make you feel better about being in AA ---- bottom line!
When I take on a new student, hire a new babysitter, clean peoples houses, work with anyone for any reason, I take a moment to reflect how things are going, (after they've been going a little while), and give the other person/people the chance to share how they feel things are going as well. Letting them know full well, that my intention is to work together as best we can. They get permission to tell me anything without me taking it personally, and I let them know gently how I feel - good or bad.
I know you pray about this stuff, so...
I guess you can stick with her, and reflect in a couple weeks - OR - you can let her know upfront and honestly now that you were feeling a little nervous today - OR - you can ask her what to do... she is your sponsor now ;P
It's really great you asked, and as I'm writing this, I'm realizing... you have a lot more options than the 3 I listed LOL - but I'm sure you'll get them here... thank goodness I do not run AA! LOL
You brought up something that I am currently dealing with too... so thanks! You've helped me!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Had the dream(s) and yes, lots of people have them, but it's new for you, so you have every right to talk about it without worrying that you will bore us. I personally love to hear from you because you seem honest, open, raw and real. It's been a pleasure reading every letter you've typed.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Geez thanks Tasha. That all makes sense. Col thanks for your thoughts too. Can I just say I am still on the fence. So, I called her. Just got off the phone actually. The conversation started off really well. She asked me how my day went I shared it. Then she started to tell me about her boyfriend. She shared all of the intimates and aired the dirty laundry. By this time she was sobbing. Then she told me about her mothers death and the estate issues. More crying. Then came the story about how she is meant for service in AA and how good she is at it. How she sees good things happen to everyone else but her. She finished off with her age, how she wanted children, never had any, and wants desperately to be married. At this point full on crying.... Hmmm. Most people would say WTF. I am most people. Sorry. I talked with her. I offered what I could in the way of sympathy and words. I told her she was inspiring because she is really strong, intelligent, and patient. I genuinely felt bad. I really did not know what to say. Is this how it the relationship is suppose to be or should I head for zee hills. I imagined it so different.
Ummm, huh?!? Ya, no.. RUN!! Hahaha.. I'm sorry, I know I'm new at this but she doesn't seem to be in a stable enough place to even consider being in a sponsorship position. She should be guiding you, and available to support YOU. I dunno what others have to say, but being a sponser is a position of responsibility.
Also, I didn't intend for that to come across as me laughing at your plight at all... Just the nuttiness of conversation you retold. I know it must be frustrating to be in your position. Did you have someone in mind who you'd like to be your sponser?
So mich, ... You got a sponsor that turns out to be an emotional drunk ... huh ... recovering drunk, hopefully ... be careful of expectations, but see how this plays out over the next few days, it may surprise you ... but she should really concentrate more on getting you off to a good start before revealing issues she has to deal with ... it's still too early to judge at this point I think ...
But if your future conversations are mostly about her, then it'll be time to switch ... ... ... Just remember, sometimes it really helps being a nut ... ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I have to agree with pappy on this one Mich....There has to be some reason things happened like they did...At least give it a chance...Pray on it....Pray on it again....If it becomes all about her or it doesn't work out...Move on. But keep an open mind...She might be just what you need.
Hey Col you got it. I was trying to see the humor, not at her expense, but trying to keep it light. No worries. I did have a few prospects. I think Pappy is right though, just give it a few more days and see what happens. Thanks Tanin. I read it already, but it this case I may re-read it many times. Clearly I missed a few major points. Oh and yes Pappy nutty can be good. Keep you posted.
Lol.. I must admit that pappy and stepchild both seem to be right a lot more often than I am haha:) keep in mind my thoughts are coming from a newbie standpoint... I think it's wise to give it some time. Like I said before I started getting preachy.. Ya never know:) it may work out wonderfully
I'll pray for you Kathy - I think you're right where you're suppose to be, so however this turns out, no matter what you decide - you'll learn from it - you're smart, kind, and best of all - sober!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I felt really awful at first and I didnt know whether or not this program was worth it. I was still in my "old" ways of living, but I've been sober 8 and a half months now and I've found life is a lot better since I finally started doing what they talked about. Im reading the entire big book, and going to meetings online/offline etc, and I found I started feeling like the old me quicker than when I wasnt serious and wasnt wanting it.
Geez thanks Tasha. That all makes sense. Col thanks for your thoughts too. Can I just say I am still on the fence. So, I called her. Just got off the phone actually. The conversation started off really well. She asked me how my day went I shared it. Then she started to tell me about her boyfriend. She shared all of the intimates and aired the dirty laundry. By this time she was sobbing. Then she told me about her mothers death and the estate issues. More crying. Then came the story about how she is meant for service in AA and how good she is at it. How she sees good things happen to everyone else but her. She finished off with her age, how she wanted children, never had any, and wants desperately to be married. At this point full on crying.... Hmmm. Most people would say WTF. I am most people. Sorry. I talked with her. I offered what I could in the way of sympathy and words. I told her she was inspiring because she is really strong, intelligent, and patient. I genuinely felt bad. I really did not know what to say. Is this how it the relationship is suppose to be or should I head for zee hills. I imagined it so different.
Ug, Mich
Hey Kathy,
A lot of this program deals with a power greater than yourself. Your story jumped out at me as......something....meaning a "higher power" could have dropped this in your lap for a reason. Your main job is to stay sober, so if this situation interferes with that, you need to swap sponsors, but like the others said, this could have some type of divine stamp on it with a message attached. You just have to look for it.
Keep up the great work!
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I was still in my "old" ways of living, but I've been sober 8 and a half months now and I've found life is a lot better since I finally started doing what they talked about.
Isn't it amazing how much better it works when you just do what is suggested?....I think that's what they mean when they say Keep It Simple.
I'm so happy for you Kathy. My sponsor has been instrumental in keeping me sober, and active too. So take her cue as well and learn what you can. It's going to be great, we promise.
Kathy, my first sponsor was nuts too. I did call every day...I was so active in AA though - it was like I had multiple sponsors. No matter what it was a huge improvement over previous functioning. It does sound like she doesn't have much grasp on her emotional issues and might not be a good long term fit.
On the plus side, hearing her ramble about her problems probably stopped you from thinking about yourself and your problems right? lol.
I would look for someone with a bit more serenity and more sobriety time. Did this lady say anything about the steps in talking to you?
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But she isn't here and Mich is. A sponsor bawling on the phone the first time their sponsee ever calls them is a bit over the top. The lady is probaby very nice and lord knows, I have my own emotional issues which I admit to. I'm not the right sponsor for most folks I'm sure.
You are right Tanin that we rush to judgment here and probably it's due to it being the internet where there is some presumed veil of anonymity that really isn't there cuz our statements stay here after we write them. Also, we don't get to see the nuances and real interactions and we don't have to be held responsible cuz "it's just a website" and we are all safe to take pot shots behind a keyboard it would seem (even though I don't think that was the case here). All are inherent dangers of this site. Cross talk and fast judgments are inevitable on a message board like this but we probably should take stock.
Sure. That is the salient variable, presence in and membership of this forum/group. The culture of groups frequently includes an instant bias in favor of the member. But then I thought of the contrast to the hootchiemama interactions. She was here, a member of the group...with a gripe against a sponsor....and several folks in this group kinda slammed her. So I wondered ....why? What could explain that contradiction? How does the culture reconcile the two structurally similar cases.
I'm mulling over that question. I think there is a moderator variable at play. Which, if its' what I'm thinking it is, would be quite interesting.
Nevertheless, it is clear that this group's culture allows a certain amount of judgmentalism within bounds, a certain degreeof slagging some people places or things--in order to make assimilate some news or some facts. This is true of most groups. That's not news. Humans are humans, even alkies who are in a program that instructs and encourages us not to do it. We're not perfect, of course, of course, of course. That's the line that comes up right away. A weak one.
I think that all we can really do, though I question that we will do it, is take stock, as you wisely suggest. A little 10th step action, eh? Critiquing someone is A-OK. Even an AA sponsor who is indisputibly performing service. But we clearly had only one side of the story. Having only one side is, uhm, not optimal. Such a condition should foster conservatism in thought and blame.
-- Edited by Tanin on Sunday 26th of August 2012 03:40:53 PM
But she isn't here and Mich is. A sponsor bawling on the phone the first time their sponsee ever calls them is a bit over the top. The lady is probaby very nice and lord knows, I have my own emotional issues which I admit to. I'm not the right sponsor for most folks I'm sure.
You are right Tanin that we rush to judgment here and probably it's due to it being the internet where there is some presumed veil of anonymity that really isn't there cuz our statements stay here after we write them. Also, we don't get to see the nuances and real interactions and we don't have to be held responsible cuz "it's just a website" and we are all safe to take pot shots behind a keyboard it would seem (even though I don't think that was the case here). All are inherent dangers of this site. Cross talk and fast judgments are inevitable on a message board like this but we probably should take stock.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
We're human when we let our guard down a bit, I love that in people. My ex-sponsor was a bit of a hall monitor, and lacked the emotion and feeling as she hid behind facts and big words and empty or fake inflection in her voice. Brilliant woman - sober (YEAH for her) - working the program to THE BEST of her ability, and still a wonderful addition to my life... BUT - I can gravitate toward being like that - hall monitor type - shut you down with my big words and lack of feeling as I beat you silly into the ground, looking you straight in the eye as I make you crumble with my righteousness and self proclaimed brain power! !
It's hard to explain, and before doing the steps, I thought I was right in being like her, but now I see - feeling feelings, and engaging with love at all times is better for me, everywhere, with everyone. With God's will - not mine. I needed to let her go, so I could grow in a different direction. I was following and thriving and perpetuating her lead in that area, and I need to learn how to be the truly caring loving person I was born to be.
I understand the "hard" approach too, and how people end up that way. She used to say to me "I just want to save your life". She used to explain to me not to take anything she says personally, and that she doesn't care about hurting my feelings etc, because she is here to save my life. I got the point. I understood how that was her purpose as my sponsor. But she hurt me, by hurting my feelings. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I don't want to hurt anyone else either. I have a God now, and my God is love. When I always have that to rely on, I can put my love out there - risk rejection - risk it all - love you when that's what it takes to save your life - and let you go when that's what it takes to save your life.
Or at least this is how I dream it would be : )
I'm starting to remember how I used to say how things would and wouldn't be, the things my kids would and WOULD NEVER do when I was a parent - only to discover those little people I was bringing into the world, were their own people, with their own life, and It wasn't going to be the way I imagined it no matter how hard I tried. lol
I always say: I was perfect at parenting. Then I had kids. LOL
God's will - not mine.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
