You're not alone in this battle, Jerry. A lot of us have been exactly where you are, and with similar feelings as well. I had to control my emotions before they got the best of me -Which, by the way, is how I became an alcoholic to begin with. Where did these emotions stem from? The same place where adversity reigns, in the external circumstances of our everyday lives.
Can I predict future events? No, but the avenues may 'seem' a bit limited even when they're not. It's all a matter of perception, my friend, that's all. Perception, though, can be a paradox of sorts; it can either reflect an unhealthy perspective or provide us a much needed benefit, we choose. But make no mistake about it, there's still a glimmer of hope even for you. Our higher power will always provide the necessary exit plan no matter how troubling things may look. So focus instead on the positives and forget about the 'whys' anymore. That's good enough even for you.
A great philosopher once wrote: "Can anyone sow a seed of optimisim in a field of hopelessness and despair? Probably not. So how, then, can we solve this dilemma when our minds are still stuck in limbo? Simple thoughts like 'There's no way out' or 'everything seems utterly hopeless' slams the window shut before we even begin to breathe. Your mind has no power then, but to retreat". How true. "Your reality is a product of your thinking. Feelings of hopelessness are a sign of something much bigger. Something needs to be changed in your life, whatever that may be. These feelings, however, are not a call for you to give up. They're a call for you go in a different direction. They're a call for us to change". As the world must change, so should we. It takes a conscious effort to break these thought patterns, but it must be done in order for us to succeed. And for me, that's the only viable option worth pursuing. Onward...
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 27th of August 2012 02:18:45 AM
and inner reaction to an outside event, my AC told me at the VA alcoholism center. He had asked me how I felt about a certain relationship event that had gone sideways for me and I responded "like shit". "So you feel like a warm, smelly lump of dog feces left on the front lawn" he responded and I said HUH?!! He tried to go on with the session and I stopped him and asked him for his definition of feelings and when he determined that I was serious and didn't know he gave me that definition and I got it the second after he told me and responded "I'm so f...en angry I could kill somthing"!! I got it and then went on over time in recovery to discover the other emotions other than rage that a normal human being has available to them. I did a 4th step on my emotional defects and discovered that fear was my greatest emotional character defect and the tap root for my fear and as I continued to learn I started to hate the lessons because "feelings" to this alcoholic were more toxic than all of the stuff I use to drink and now I didn't...anesthesia gone!!
I didn't weep at my true fathers death from tuberculosis. I rationalized at the age of 6 that he had been suffering for such a long time that his death was expected so why cry what are you all so sad about? I moved on until I visited his grave with the grandchildren he would never meet and then I felt loss and sadness for him and fear of those feelings...I was in recovery and past the feelings sessions with my AC.
I listened to many in the fellowship expound about the child within and just listened. It was kinda sorta cryptic bs to me and okay for them to converse on and for me that child had never lived...the childhood was over; gone because of the disease of alcoholism and drug addict ravaging the family on all sides. There was no fun or happiness and no feelings. There was no child within because no child can live within that dark empty hole and recovery progressed and while recovery progressed happiness and fun and glee and fulfillment became a part of life and a childlike giggle and personality emerged and I felt it was too late but what the hell leave it go. Its innocent and won't hurt to be entertained by and with it from time to time. I trusted again and started making attachments with people; most in program and some of them passed on...some sober some not and while I felt sad at times it was all rational and within my understanding just like my Dad passing. I had it handled and the child boy within didn't know them so there was no whimper from within. I had it handled...had lots of negative stuff handled.
Three weeks ago I took in two rescued ducklings because no one else wanted to. I wouldn't get attached just would care for them until they were ready to go back out to the ponds without having a predator take them out too soon. I hesitated even in naming them...The littlest one, just merely a peeper I called "pinch" because she is just that just a "pinch" of a duck not a real one. The other one didn't get named until days later and I named him "Roodie"...Pinch and Roodie and everything started to be happy and fun. "Roodie" died sometime during the evening or morning hours. He was the bigger one and the follower and leaves Pinch and me wondering what the hell and the little boy within is almost inconsolable at the loss. He had his first drink at 9 and believed that God lived in the bottle. 61 years later he's had to face a grief he cannot remember ever having before even at his own Father's, Mother's and many other deaths. He violated a personal rule which he kept during all the drinking years...and recovery "no attachments", do most all of your drinking alone or away from the others. I cannot explain the feeling the inner reaction to and outside event. It is beyond explanation for me or for the child within...no amount of tantruming, yelling, pleading, crying or drinking will ease this boys pain...only the God without the bottle who created both ducks and boy.
I cannot ever remember this "feeling" before I cannot ever remember wanting to. So totally unexpected, powerful and baffling. Inventorying it and locating worms for Pinch.
Somebody tell me in your best awareness what the hell just happened to me? I'm listening.
I remember when I was released from the locked ward of a mental institution(early '74) and was sent to outpatient psychiatric care for a determined amount of visits and the Doctor telling me that maybe my deep addictions were about my parents not staying together ,my mother a loose closet drunk and my father a cop,seeing his girlfriend on the side,gambler and into the mob and the hipocracy of their marriage and our family relationships.I was also on my way to oblivion from that first high at 10 years old sneaking the sweet Liquoer creme de menthe from the closet and replacing with water so looked the same,moving to using the barbs in the closet and toulene glue on the streets,TEDRIL,heart pills to keep me stimulated to drink more and refocus on other things rather than my family life.I thought that Doctor was ridiculous and it wasnt for almost 30 years later,thru the grace of God and application of the STEPS in my life ,attitudes and behaviors did I realize'YES , sub consciously I was teaching them "a lesson"The arrests,institutions,devastations, 3 marriages,loss of my children,jobs,failings of many endeavors of my life as 'THE DRUG" progressively became the Boss.My father also died a year and a half before my recovery began('84) and it has taken a daily process of prayer and work to know that thru my 9th step amends and God's grace I have found peace and know in my heart I have been forgiven by my Higher Power and and continue to work to be of maximum service to that Power and others.I have released my guilt and maybe or maybe not some others anger.I know for me,I have had 2 very distinct different lives all in one.The first life at times seems surreal,light years in the past and at other times it was like yesterday,the memories that keep me in recovery ,a day at a time.When my very best friend,like my brother,shot and killed himself after a night of us partying together I never to this day have felt more pain,even with the death of family members and a lot of my crew from the past that didn't make it.It is said that the first cut is the deepest.Feelings can be painful but they are our awareness of 'LIFE' not one drowned out to NOT FEEL!When I am weak,then I am truly strong because I have learned to rely on that Power greater,loving and caring even when I find myself talking a good game but not walking the path or fighting tooth and nail. I keep those around me who will call me on my insanity(oh yeah it still rears its monstrous head at times,anger,fear,judgemental.SELF-CENTERED etc).I am who I am today,because of who I used to be...What a long strange trip its been,oh yeah,but no matter what I am grateful,don't always show it,but each day is working toward the Progress,not perfection.Thanks Jerry for allowing me to take part in my own recovery this morning and continued blessings,strength and serenity in your life May you find some good worms for Pinch.Thanks for going"deep inside" its how WE get to the EXACT NATURE of the human endeavor,seek and ye shall find. a combined ,as soon as my eyes open daily meditation on surrendering to my Higher Power thru prayer,a deep 3rd/11 step suggestion before my feet hit the floor help me to build my base for the day,once Im up the work begins......Maluhia
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
"Roodie" died sometime during the evening or morning hours. He was the bigger one and the follower and leaves Pinch and me wondering what the hell and the little boy within is almost inconsolable at the loss. He had his first drink at 9 and believed that God lived in the bottle. 61 years later he's had to face a grief he cannot remember ever having before even at his own Father's, Mother's and many other deaths.
He violated a personal rule which he kept during all the drinking years...and recovery "no attachments",
do most all of your drinking alone or away from the others. I cannot explain the feeling the inner reaction to and outside event. It is beyond explanation for me or for the child within...no amount of tantruming, yelling, pleading, crying or drinking will ease this boys pain...only the God without the bottle who created both ducks and boy.
I cannot ever remember this "feeling" before I cannot ever remember wanting to. So totally unexpected, powerful and baffling. Inventorying it and locating worms for Pinch.
Somebody tell me in your best awareness what the hell just happened to me? I'm listening.
Mahalo
You have become a drunk with a conscience ... ... ... There can be no healing without 'attachments' ... 'attachments' constitute LOVE, and without it we die inside long before the body does ... Roodie was part of a different story too, not just yours ... he fulfilled his destiny just like you and I are ... it could be he gave his very life that it might awaken in you that emotion that has been buried for so long ... For me, I believe this was all part of God's plan, to make you, now us, aware that we have things inside us all that we haven't acknowledged ... this is all part of the growing wisdom we experience in sobriety ... alcohol takes our 'awareness' and growth away, sobriety promotes it ...
Pappy
P.S. Wishing Pinch to find 'night-crawlers' for dinner! ... The kind us 'red-necks' find ... LOL
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"I didn't weep at my true fathers death from tuberculosis. I rationalized at the age of 6 that he had been suffering for such a long time that his death was expected so why cry what are you all so sad about? I moved on until I visited his grave with the grandchildren he would never meet and then I felt loss and sadness for him and fear of those feelings...I was in recovery and past the feelings sessions with my AC."
I rationalized (and still kinda do) that "every living organism dies" and that "people die every day" all this has done is create two resentments 1. The loss and 2. 9/11/01 (dad died in 06 and I got mad during the "moment of silence" held every year there after)
Sometime in late feb this year, a woman I never knew died in my hands. I went numb. The rn's rushed in and said welcome to theclub. As I left I called my mom and told her what happened. I realized two days later that I feel these things because I am human. I have respect for life. It's ok to be upset, as long as it doesn't reseble my drinking, ie- consumes all my thoughts and gets in the way of daily living activities.
I could be wrong, or misinterpreting but... When you become a caregiver to any living thing, you become attached. Name or no name. And to deny yourself that attachment is to cut yourself emotionally. I don't expect this to help, but I find comfort in "it's better to love and lose than to never have loved at all"
__________________
sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Basically, nothing on the outside really has any power to affect our insides. This is a truth. But this is the stuff that takes lots of practice. It's applying this stuff that is so difficult. But totally doable.
Many nights I allow myself to sit with God in the dark or even lie on my bed hugging my pillow. That child never goes away. It is there. I invite God in to heal her slowly. I am simply careful not to slip into self-pity. There is a difference. I never want to ignore or avoid who I am or what my story is. It takes real courage to accept my past and work through rage and fear and shame. Then one day we mature spiritually and we don't stop being angry with others and we develop some compassion for them, they suffered too inside. We heal.
Then the day comes when we give ourselves permission to actually have a little fun. Wearing sobriety like a loose garment and all that.
We are human. It's ok. Others have these feelings too.
Fear and all other defects come from human ego and pride. Our pride levels and our ego deflates and we start taking chances and feeling the fear and allowing ourselves to attach.Scary stuff, esp when I'm so afraid people will take advantage of me or reject me. Tons of abandonment issues I have. But I can't let that allow me to isolate and not live the life God gave me.
so weird to read this today. My Dad died when i was 26 and my thinking was the same as yours at 6. Plus I was counting the money. I felt great shame about this but learned this is hwo some people cope with unbearable feelings, they shut down and focus on something relatively mundane.
First sponsor told me when you bury feelings you bury them alive. And how.
Last night I dreamed I was trying to find my dads grave. We have a few massive cemeteries in NYC, in Queens, I mean huge, sprawling like the size of a small town. so in the dream I was going to the officials, giving my dads name, and one asked "why don't you know where it is" and I said I was only there once, when he was buried. He shook his head. I was crying in the dream, trying to hide it.
I think have this delusion that when I ignore a feeling I just postpone it, it ha sno impact on once suppressed. That is not the case. I drag it around until it is dealt with. It's like being handed a brick and saying"I won't carry this" and throwing it into my backpack. I can't see it, but I am carrying it. So now it's like I'm pulling out those old bricks that have been weighing me down and dealing with them, whatever that may mean, and then putting them down, making my load lighter.
As the Skipper said to Gilligan, "remember when you pulled me from the water during that storm of Maui?" Gilligan: "I saved your life" Skipper: "Gilligan, you didn't save my life, you just prolonged it."
-- Edited by mattbox2 on Saturday 25th of August 2012 02:57:56 AM
