Welcome Aura_lee...You're in a good place...Some great people on this site. Sounds to me like you are doing the right things....One thing that helped me was not overthinking it....This alkie knows how to complicate things....It didn't help me at all. It's as simple as this...Trust God...Clean House...And help others....That's it. Continue reading the book...Study the first 103 pages...The directions for the steps...Listen to your sponsor....Get going on those steps...They are the suggested program of recovery...They are the solution....You may hear meeting makers make it...I'll tell you step takers stay sober and happy. Glad you are here...Continue to read and post...You're going to be fine!

It was really confusing to me not very long ago too. It hurt a little. I feel what you're saying cuz I've heard such whispers and people complaining about how much their sponsee's call them in early sobriety - needing too much time etc, in fact, it was my sponsor, her sponsee that's 5 yrs sober, and I at starbucks having coffee, and those two discussing it. They said it in a way though, that made me realize, they have a whole life to be a part of too. I was totally selfish when I came in, thinking that my sponsor should be available to me every day, when she is a single mom, a part of a church community, AA, and works full time - not to mention maintains a home alone.

I thought about it for a while, and really it's true, she alone can't carry me, as it talks about in the pamphlet for sponsorship. It's up to me to "build a village" in my life, and It's not healthy for me to rely completely on one person for everything anyway. My husband and I discussed this last night, as we have dwindled our friends list down to non-existent since having kids. As much as it would be great to bask in the idea that we are all the other needs, that's not healthy. We need to make an effort reconnecting with old friends, and an effort to make new ones. Take action! That's something this program has taught me, and I get the idea of "PRACTICE, these principles in all our affairs". It's going to take practice being a good friend again, I've sucked at it for a while now.

Sorry to get off track here, because what I really wanted to say was: I hear people complain and say things, sometimes what I assume are the wrong things quite often. When I read the portion of the big book that explains we are not saints, I remember that those people are human, and that if I'm thinking they should have said something differently, I've taken their inventory and placed expectations on them - usually leaving myself wallowing in disappointment. Just recently, I've been taught that all I can do is pray for them, and be an example of something I feel is working for me in the program.

The cool thing is: The people who were whispering that they hate it when newcomers call them, will be able to get over some of those things that are more likely fears than hate - and that is why this program rocks MY world... cuz I get to experience that, and see it happening in other peoples lives. Where they are today, is just today - we get to love and accept them, and watch them grow or the opposite, and we get to learn from it all, as long as we keep doing what the program suggests.

Finally, where I was going with the sponsor conversation above is, when I remember that she is not a saint, seeking progress not perfection, just as I am, I can remember that she ultimately is teaching me to live by working the steps with me, and that means I get to learn how to live my life according to God's will for me. When I disagree with something she has said to me, I can pray for clarification, and peace and wisdom for her as I turn it over to Him. So far, in my short recovery period, one of the greatest joys is receiving the gift from my Higher power as more each day is revealed.

I've only been sober 4 months - so I'm literally JUST getting through what you posted about. I can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say! Thank you so much for being so honest, and brave enough to bring this up. (((hugs)))

Aura lee, I went through so many periods of thinking "I understand now" and then feeling like crap and that I had gotten it all wrong. The actuality is that you are slowly forming a new way of life. You are having a spiritual shift and there are lots of ups and downs. It's painful. The moments where you have clarity and think "Ahhh I understand now!"....those are not invalid because you later realize you didn't understand or have to shift thinking some. It just means you are getting PART of the truth and there is more to learn out there. As you progress in sobriety, the ups and downs are less pronounced and you don't feel totally derailed during times of doubt - you feel "off center" or "not right sized" and you use the program to bring things back into focus.

Trust me though...you are doing fine. You will be okay. Try and take what your sponsor says and apply it to yourself as best as possible without ripping yourself or rejecting your sponsor out of hand. I think I felt lower than doodoo when my sponsor told me he "was not cosigning my BS"...It was humbling in retrospect and I was throwing him a lot of BS lol. Nobody is doubting that you are learning important things and that you are also a smart individual, but this is also a spiritual journey in AA and it lasts a life time (we pray). When folks say "wishing you a slow recovery" it's a good thing cuz you dont' want "all the answers" overnight. That's not solid recovery. It's from feeling knocked down and repeatedly getting back up (without drinking!) that you grow strong and break out of the self-destructive victim mode that is often at the core of our disease.

Welcome Aura Lee!  Glad to have you here with us.  Sounds like the growing pains of early sobriety.   Keep moving your feet and more will be revealed.  There's going to be ups and downs.  It's all part of the growing we do here.  They say, pain is the touchstone for Spiritual growth.  You're in a growth spot at the moment.   

Aura_lee wrote:

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I've been going to meetings everyday,  working with a sponsor and calling people like they're always telling me to do.  I've been throwing myself into my aa community and I'm trying really hard.  I truly hope that this program works for me because I can't go back to living the way I was living before.  When I read the big-book I felt totally comforted and this program seemed very do-able to me,  it seemed like a simple program to me and I felt like those were all things I was capable of doing.  Now I'm feeling like everything has been overly complicated.  I felt like I was making some really good progress and then over the last couple of days I just feel stopped in my tracks.  My sponsor told me that I'm worshipping myself and not god and I really didnt feel like she was understanding what I was trying to say,  and... ...  so there it is,   alot of people seem to say the things they think everyone wants to hear,  I am really truly grateful for my sobriety and I'm sorry if this comes off as self-pity or something similar,  I just want to be honest and I just needed to get some perspective so that I understand whether these feelings are normal. 

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Thanks for sharing, Aura_lee. One can sense your unease, even though you have clearly been making progress in the program of AA.

It'difficult to get, however, a clear picture of what may be causing your discouragement because of the inherent limitations of writing in brief form on a forum. But, you pointed out that your sponsor used a concept of "worshipping" yourself, " but "not god." This sounds a little bit like a religious concept of some kind. AA doesn't really make any direct appeals for "worshipping god."  You stated that your sponsor didn't seem to be "understanding" what you were saying. It's possible that there is an impediment in the communication process--or that she simply is not capable of hearing/assimilating what you are telling her.  It could be that the communication will get better over time as you continue to work with her. On the other hand, it could be that your needs would be served by professional counseling, especially in this crucial early stage of sobriety. In my early sobriety, I had such counseling and it was very helpful. I had a good rapport with my counselor, better than with my sponsor at the time. I managed to cover a lot of issues with the counselor--who also happened to be in AA. Perhaps that could be discussed with your sponsor. An AA sponsor "does not hesitate to help the newcomer obtain professional help (such as medical...) if assistance outside the scope of A.A. is needed." 

Hope you continue your willingness to pursue the AA recovery program.