Mich here... I feel stuck. Ug. My weekend was wonderful. I was faced with alcohol, but not only did I not want it I was able to have a really good time without it. Why do I feel down. I feel like my mind has not been focused on staying in the present. Thoughts wondering. Focusing on being an alcoholic. My head is obcessing with the fear of being out of control as if my body and mind will take over and do what it wants. Like being possessed and not having control over your own body. I am nervous and anxious. I am to far from the calm and zen I was feeling my first 2 weeks. I thought this was going to get better? I am also still struggling with being social. I got over the initial fears... talking to people and phone calls, but now I find myself isolating. I do not call people because I do not feel like taking a drink. I still do not have a sponsor. I guess I was waiting for God to guide me. I do not know who to ask because I do not really talk to any of the people with time. I shared today. I promised myself I would share at least once a week just to push myself. I am hopeless. I find I am comparing myself to others who are able to talk and call people freely. I feel so stupid. I am so shy, but I am not. But sober me is sooooo shy. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there. This will sound stupid I am sure, but I feel like I do not even belong with the AA people. Do I belong anywhere. Why am I so sad. Somebody said to me today in the meeting you are soooo quiet. I hate that. I am hopeless.
In my opinion, this sounds like untreated alcoholism. Restless, irritable and discontent in short. You mentioned you do not have a sponsor, so I assume you have not done much step work. That elated feeling we get when we first come in, which I think is God's grace, only lasts for so long before life hits us again. What you are dealing with now is your alcoholism without the benefit of having alcohol to treat it. The steps are the perfect medicine.....
Hey Mich....This disease loves to get us isolated....That's where it does it's best work. How are you doing finding a sponsor and maybe getting started on working the program?...The 12 steps. That's where the healing happens...Have you read the book?....Maybe read it again...AA works if you work it...Keep on keeping on Mich!
Some folks did the shy act for years in AA before blossoming and reaching out more. Just keep coming back and trying your hardest. You are being harder on yourself than anyone. Put the bat away and stop beating yourself up!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
We all struggle with things Mich, so don't get too worked up over this. Your bound for a breakthrough sooner or later. So keep trudging along for now, it will happen before you know it.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 22nd of August 2012 01:26:55 AM
Thanks guys and gals! Once again MIP pals to the rescue. Tanin I read most of the posts about PAWS. Yup, sounds familiar. The bat is in the closet for now pinkchip. Ha that sounds funny coming from a lesbian. lol. A great big thank you Tasha. You caught me just before an all time low. Thanks a bunch. Still haven't taken that nap so its off to bed with my tired but sober butt. :) One day at a time.
Oh... Yup. I felt many similar things- I was high as a kite, loving life, feeling wonderful in sobriety initially. Then I began to isolate, stopped calling people, felt very uncomfortable at meetings. BUT I had a sponser, someone to check in with everyday to calm my mind and tell me what I was feeling was ok. Yes, I also felt a sense of being out of my body, and suffered many of the symptoms of PAWS. I had a few meltdowns ( sometimes still do- had a bit of one tonight, actually). IT PASSES! If I don't allow myself to get all caught in my head, that is. I dunno, somewhere after 2 1/2 months sober, I began to level off. Now I am eager to make connections with people in AA again.. I look forward to meetings. I don't know why i isolated from people at meetings, but I just couldn't force myself to be social. Now I'm becoming more so. I will tell you that having a sponser was, and is, CRUCIAL. Try to make that your priority:) it helped me more than anything else. She's the voice of guidance and sanity when I'm getting all over the place:)
I love this program & how it works Col wasn't it you who posted a day or two ago about not being sure if you're getting AA? From the sounds of it you're getting it pretty good Great post in support of Mich. A sponsor is crucial and so is prayer if I am to stay sober Lots of great info from everyone who responded Keep coming back Mich Peace and cyber hugs
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Awe, thanks everybody. Maybe someday soon I will start becoming more independent and do the calming for myself. I met another person today and she reassured me that I am not hopeless. Just like ya'll. She said I need to open up and share. That everybody wants to help. I just need to let them in. I am going to do what come so unnatural to me. Try to connect. No signs of a sponsor yet, but I stuck my big toe in the pool again today and yep the water was just as warm as the last time. Maybe I will think about putting my foot in soon. Ha. At least I have my sense of humor. Thank God for that!
Oh, I almost forgot. I did want to say that I am aware that this is the alcoholism. Duh... But I thought it was huge to acknowledge that even if it was just for me. To sit around and say why oh why do I feel this way is an endless circle that now has an off ramp... AA. i just need to remember to park the car and stay awhile now that I know the way.
I was on sober training wheels for a good while and am still only barely riding a 2 wheeler. I called my sponsor crying and freakng out every time I had a new challenge or relationship problem. In retrospect it strengthens my resolve to stay sober because I can clearly see now how much alcholism robbed me of coping skills and I had to learn them all over again.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Any alcoholic can stop drinking, staying stopped was my problem. I found not drinking, talking to people, and going to meetings didn't work for long. I had to change. I did that by getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps. It's better just to find someone to start and get the right person later.
Point well taken Db1105. Good thoughts pinkchip. Thanks Stepchild. Yes, it is about time I suppose. I was just about ready to ask anybody and everybody today, but alas I was sponsor blocked. I didn't get around to everyone I wanted to talk to.
You're ready now, so what are you going to say? How are you going to ask?
I said "Hi, I'm Natasha, I saw you raised your hand tonight when it was asked who is willing to sponsor, and I am looking for someone. Would you be willing to talk with me about it?"
She said yes, and took me outside, and we exchanged phone numbers, and talked a little bit about when the first time we'd meet. I mentioned I had a big book, and asked if there was anything she'd like me to read, and she did give me assignments in reading, and wanted me to get a 12x12.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Col wasn't it you who posted a day or two ago about not being sure if you're getting AA? From the sounds of it you're getting it pretty good Great post in support of Mich. A sponsor is crucial and so is prayer if I am to stay sober Lots of great info from everyone who responded Keep coming back Mich Peace and cyber hugs