Going back over my #4, I've been trying to work on my most obvious (and probably common) hang ups. And after a few hours of letting go, calming myself down, someone threatened that specific area of security. They have since apologized, and it's been almost a week since the incident occured. I'm not mad at the person, we all make mistakes. But now I'm finding it difficult and futile to even change this aspect of myself. I hope that made sense. Has anyone else been through this?
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
In my experience, any threats on my security are fear based. I find it helpful to go through what the Big Book says when dealing with a fear inventory. What am I afraid of? Is it because self reliance has failed me? In other words would i be fearful if I were completely God reliant? I see my fears must be mastered, but how? Ask God to remove my fear and direct my attention to what He would have me be.
Yeah, I've been there too Ruhig. I had a lot of nervous energy growing up, especially around my father. He had issues just like most parents, but what he tried to do was far from acceptable, especially in my young eyes. He made me feel inferior, even though I wasn't, and I resented him for most of my childhood as a result. Instead of learning from my mistakes, though, like most people did, I tried to be perfect instead - which caused me to self-destruct from within. When that didn't work, I started to look for another outlet that would quell all my nervous energy and alcohol eventually became my drug of choice. From there, my life took a nose dive into the depths of hell, literally, but it wasn't permanent. My life has improved dramatically since then (thanks to A.A.) and so can yours.
Instead of focusing on those flaws my father thought existed, I started to promote a positive image of myself even in the midst of some disturbing circumstances. The distorted image my father painted was never an adequate view of myself, and I had to remember that. I wasn't perfect either, and neither was he. So I stopped trying to please him and started to work on being me. I started to look more confident and unafraid, just like I always wanted too. And from there it just got better. The image I see of myself these days is totally different, and it's reflected in everything I do. So instead of being the person who never quite measures up -like I once did, become the whole person instead; the one who's proud of herself regardless what others might think. Looking at ourselves objectively is a solid basis for that, wouldn't you agree. So start with that dear, as you work on becoming the real you -not the one caught in the web of someone else's fears. Only Then can you begin to see yourself just as others do, the lovely person we call...Ruhig.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 21st of August 2012 02:51:33 AM
I will do almost anything to maintain my sense of security (i.e.safety) and when that is threatened or violated by someone I have a hard time getting my balance back. The acknowledgment to yourself that you are finding it difficult is valuable, because it is reality-based. When I know I'm having difficulty it is a good bit easier to deal with it then if I am in denial about it. I can use any number of means that I have learned to use through the tools of sobriety. In terms of finding it futile to change an aspect of myself, when that is my self-talk, I know I am losing ground in a recurring battle to maintain hope, and need to strengthen my gratitude, for starters. I can change most any aspect of myself that I choose to if I am honest with myself about what needs changing and why. And my first question is, do I REALLY need to change anything, or am I just buying into somebody else's negative intrusions into my self esteem. Trying to change what honestly needs to be changed is never futile--the very process of confronting the issue from all angles can be useful to our overall growth as sober beings.
I'm not sure exactly what you're experiencing here ... okay, I can be a little dense sometimes ... You're term, 'security', could take on several different meanings ... identity, secrecy, income, integrity, self-worth, companionship, etc. ... ... ... But something stirred me enough to mention that the 'total honesty' used in the 4th step can be very humbling ... at some point we start looking to make right an injustice we did to someone AND we start looking to accept an injustice done to us ... AND I found out, sometimes the 'truth' does hurt ... BUT it does, in fact, set you free ...
To suddenly start living life in the 'truth' at all costs side of things can be damaging to one's security(or so I thought) ... but to continue to live covering things over, for the sake of security, only allows that situation to fester and get rancid over time, thereby creating a bigger problem in the future ... ... So I had to learn to face the facts and stop making things up that weren't there ... this may not have anything to do with what you're going through ... I just wanted to get this thought out ...
Love Ya, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"Instead of focusing on those flaws my father thought existed, I started to promote a positive image of myself even in the midst of some disturbing circumstances. The distorted image my father painted was never an adequate view of myself, and I had to remember that. I wasn't perfect either, and neither was he. So I stopped trying to please him and started to work on being me. I started to look more confident and unafraid, just like I always wanted too. And from there it just got better. The image I see of myself these days is totally different, and it's reflected in everything I do. So instead of being the person who never quite measures up -like I once did, become the whole person instead; the one who's proud of herself regardless what others might think. Looking at ourselves objectively is a solid basis for that, wouldn't you agree. So start with that dear, as you work on becoming the real you -not the one caught in the web of someone else's fears. Only Then can you begin to see yourself just as others do, the lovely person we call...Ruhig."
Wow.
"I will do almost anything to maintain my sense of security (i.e.safety) and when that is threatened or violated by someone I have a hard time getting my balance back. The acknowledgment to yourself that you are finding it difficult is valuable, because it is reality-based. When I know I'm having difficulty it is a good bit easier to deal with it then if I am in denial about it. I can use any number of means that I have learned to use through the tools of sobriety. In terms of finding it futile to change an aspect of myself, when that is my self-talk, I know I am losing ground in a recurring battle to maintain hope, and need to strengthen my gratitude, for starters. I can change most any aspect of myself that I choose to if I am honest with myself about what needs changing and why. And my first question is, do I REALLY need to change anything, or am I just buying into somebody else's negative intrusions into my self esteem. Trying to change what honestly needs to be changed is never futile--the very process of confronting the issue from all angles can be useful to our overall growth as sober beings. "
for my personal self acceptance it's necessary to attack this part of myself. I just have no way of knowing how to go about it. I haven't brought this to my sponsor. It's embarrasing and personal and I'm not even sure what my issue is. I'm aware that the situation went down because 2insecurities collided and I'm willing to forgive their insecurity but I've no idea how to even address mine. But yes... This has caused me issues repeatedly and needs to be addressed. My dumb ass just thinks that if I act like it's not a hot button, then no one will push it and I can ignore it.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Boy Ruhig, you have the gift of making my head spin a little every time you explain something in detail ... That's good, cause you really force me to think deeply ... you have a way, mostly this is just me, of being 'specific' without being specific ... does that make sense ? ... I just can't help but think that if something jeopardizes your feeling of 'safety', then there must be something left undone ... You are obviously a self-made woman, and a successful one ... I do believe you've done well ...
I can change most any aspect of myself that I choose to if I am honest with myself about what needs changing and why. And my first question is, do I REALLY need to change anything, or am I just buying into somebody else's negative intrusions into my self esteem. Trying to change what honestly needs to be changed is never futile--the very process of confronting the issue from all angles can be useful to our overall growth as sober beings.
But yes... This has caused me issues repeatedly and needs to be addressed. My dumb ass just thinks that if I act like it's not a hot button, then no one will push it and I can ignore it.
I'm still trying to figure out if there was an attack on your personality traits or the way you handle social situations or work situations or just what ... For something to cause you to re-think who you are, then it must have been something that hit close to a nerve ... something you may not be comfortable with ... and something that may need to be changed, or addressed at least, in order for your 'peace of mind' ... If you like who you are, then what other people think of you is none of your business ... let them think whatever they will as long as you like you ... you can't demand that they must like you ... you only need to be who you and your 'higher power' feel you should be ... all else is just stuff ...
Love You still, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
