Hey all:) just a quick post about gratitude, forgiveness, understanding and love. So, I'm not going to rehash the details of my relationship with my mother. It's been dysfunctional, abusive, hostile, passive, love/hate- just a mess. I think I spoke to her briefly on my 2nd day sober.. Not much since. It's been very difficult for me to even begin trying to deal with her since getting sober. She's...ummm.. Frustrating. I received a package from her on my 91st day of sobriety. Open it.. Beautiful jade earrings reminiscent of tiny wind chimes. Now, when I was a very young child, I was fascinated with wind chimes- would gaze at them for hours just daydreaming. I also loved jade (I couldn't tell you why- I just did). So I call her, thank her, and ask what's the occasion. She responds with "What's the occasion?!? 90 days sober for you is certainly an occasion!!
I'm so proud". Ok. She remembered it had been 90 days, she remembered little details of my childhood that I myself had forgotten. She thoughtfully chose a gift- not the generic crap I usually receive. AND she never doubted that I had indeed remained sober, even though I hadn't spoken with her about it. She remembered the day. THIS I can work with. THIS I cannot be filled with rage about any longer. In her way, this is an attempt at asking for forgiveness. After many years of "war" I realize this is all I need from her. We can move forward:)
Congrats on the 90 days, and thanks for sharing a great story.
For 23 years my mom never missed a year sending me a card and a nice note on my sobriety date until she passed....I remember her most on that day.
As it reads, The World and it's people can be quite wrong, but our troubles where of our own making. Often the people around us seem to change as we change. I hope the realtionship with you Mom improves, but it's not one of the promisies, we will lose our fear of people and intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us are.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Congradulations Col...good work...good persistence. I look back now at the mother/son relationship and run it thru the filter of the programs of recovery I have been blessed with and all I do is smile...what an amazing journey every inch and hour of it. She and I at times were not good for each other and at other times we were grateful we came thru the same doors. In the end I believe my Mom was grateful that the program gave her some semblence of the son she always wanted and for me I was grateful to learn to accept with out expectatons others in my life even those who had positions of authority and power real or presumed. I came to understand my mother as my "sister"...we had the same father (a literal lesson from my Higher Power on a short drive from my office to home). That leveled the playing field and I could love her and my step-father without conditions place upon either of them or myself. Honesty often times isn't something I do or am expected to act out with others...often times its the message I get about how the picture really is outside of my false impressions. Keep on keeping on.
My Mother hurt me in a lot of ways also. Most of my 5th step encompassed that. I feel like the relationship isn't totally different or anything, but we are on a different playing field now, and because of that little things are different. Some are still the same, but since the playing field is so much cleaner - we players seem cleaner - and the relationship changes.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I love watching miracles unfold...in the program and in our relationships. It really does keep getting better. Many congrats to you! :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
The truth is somewhere in the middle. I had to come ut of denial and acknowledge the dysfunction in my family and feel the rage until it became anger, then work through the anger until it became a matter of tolerating my mother, who knows exactly how to push my buttons because she grew up with the same dysfunction I did. Think about how your mother was affected by still others. That should help you with compassion.
So while I know today the truth about what they did to me, I also have to take responsibility for my reactions to it in order to recover.
Making amends to my mother was freeing - but I had to do steps 1-8 first out of the Big Book with a very experienced sponsor, even to know HOW to really do those amends.
Healing does come with the 12 step process.
Going back and forth between rage and guilt is not helpful - we have to slowly get to the middle - the truth - then act from a place of God's will for others and ourselves.
Col wrote:
Hey all:) just a quick post about gratitude, forgiveness, understanding and love. So, I'm not going to rehash the details of my relationship with my mother. It's been dysfunctional, abusive, hostile, passive, love/hate- just a mess. I think I spoke to her briefly on my 2nd day sober.. Not much since. It's been very difficult for me to even begin trying to deal with her since getting sober. She's...ummm.. Frustrating. I received a package from her on my 91st day of sobriety. Open it.. Beautiful jade earrings reminiscent of tiny wind chimes. Now, when I was a very young child, I was fascinated with wind chimes- would gaze at them for hours just daydreaming. I also loved jade (I couldn't tell you why- I just did). So I call her, thank her, and ask what's the occasion. She responds with "What's the occasion?!? 90 days sober for you is certainly an occasion!! I'm so proud". Ok. She remembered it had been 90 days, she remembered little details of my childhood that I myself had forgotten. She thoughtfully chose a gift- not the generic crap I usually receive. AND she never doubted that I had indeed remained sober, even though I hadn't spoken with her about it. She remembered the day. THIS I can work with. THIS I cannot be filled with rage about any longer. In her way, this is an attempt at asking for forgiveness. After many years of "war" I realize this is all I need from her. We can move forward:)
Congrats!!! Very inspiring because I too had a frustrating relationship with my mom. Funny, we came together before I got sober. Hoping it is even better now. It is never to late. It sounds like she really loves you. That's awesome!
